h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Accodrinbg to my Mom, Great Granny Weatherwax, he was an American film actor popular in the early days of talkies, and the actual quote was "I like children but I couldn't eat a whole one". Another of his was "Anyone who hates animals & children can't be all bad"

Hey Zax,

I agree with you that Buckeroo Bananzi is a ridiculously bad movie, but it is still really funny so don't knock it "Monkey-boy" (another short quote/insult from the movie)

Granny,

I knew I didn't have the quote exactly right, thanks.

Actually, Granny, that last quote was said ABOUT W.C. Fields, at a dinner in his honour. It wa salso said by a comedian, but I forget who. "Any man who hates dogs and children can't be all bad."

W.C. Fields is also noted for having said, "A man has to believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink."

Also, on another track...

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."

-Marie Corelli

"I'm a superb housecleaner. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."

-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman... - Woody Allen

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force - Dorothy Parker

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice...but in practice, there is - Jan van de Snepscheut

'NO!' Flakfilzer doesn't know the MEANING of the word 'no'! We're also a little fuzzy of 'panglutin' and 'viscosity' - Roland T Flakfilzer, Brain Donors

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by - Douglas Adams

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday - Woody Allen again

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read - Groucho Marx

3

JOTD: Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate!!

(Bob should like this JOTD)

There is nothing as annoying as having two people go right on talking while I'm interrupting... - Mark Twain

Democracy is the theory that the comman people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard - H.L. Mencken

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce - J. Edgar Hoover

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armour and attacked a hot fudge sundae - Kurt Vonnegut

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde -- dyed by her own hand - Saul Bellow

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public - H.L. Mencken again

I am about to -- or I am going to -- die; either expression is used - Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian (dying words)

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall - David Chambless

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it - Groucho Marx

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair - Douglas Adams

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents - Nathaniel Borenstein

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer - Robert Frost

3

JOTD: Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate!!

(Bob should like this JOTD)

"Start every day off with a smile, and get it over with."

"A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for."

"If at first you don't succeed try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at'em but I wouldn't want to own one."

"Never try to impress a women because if you do you will have to keep up that standard for the rest of your life."

Oh.. and uppon further investigation the correct Ilike children quote is -- "I like children. If they're properely cooked"

I thought is was "If at first you don't succeed - cheat!!"

"It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean."

"I generally avoid temptation - unless I can't resist it."

"He how hesitates is last."

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful"

"when I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better."

"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."

"I've been in more laps then a napkin."

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before."

and of coarse....

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day" - Harry S. Truman

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can get with a kind word alone. - Al Capone

"Sex is one of the most beautiful and natural things that money can buy"

"I gave my cat a bath the other day....He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my toung, but other than that..."

"I learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. The most important thing I learned was: never let go of the girl's leg no matter how hard she tries to shake you off."

"Boy those French have a different word for everything."

"I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress."

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us choose to look to the stars."

Here's one that I can't remember the author of, "This wallpaper is killing me, one of us has to go..." -dying words of ______.
Anyone know???

Keep the quotes coming,
>Zax<

"There are three things you can do in a baseball game. You can win or you can lose, or it can rain"

"Now all you fellers line up alphabetically by height."

"They say you can't do it, but sometimes it doesn't always work."

"The secret of managing a (baseball team) club is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the five who are undecided."

"Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in."

Das Leben ist das Loch in das Du fällst,
bist zum Zeitpunkt des Todes,
Du endlich zerschellst.

Tranlate and say if you find it funny

"No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up."

"The trouble with the rat race is even if you win, you're still a rat."

"You are what you think.... Geez, that's frightening."

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"

"What most distinguishes us humans from lower animals is our desire to take drugs.

"Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination."

"What goes up must come down...but don't expect it to land where you can find it - Murphy's Law applied to Newton's"

"The best mind altering drug is truth"

"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying-but when God talks to us, were schizophrenic?"

"If something's true you don't have to beleive in it."

"If you read alot of books you're considered well-read. But if you watcha lot of TV you're not considered well-viewed."

"We're all in this alone."

"Death is just nature's way of telling you, 'Hey you're not alive anymore.'" - Bull Shannon

"I've never felt closer to group of people. Not even in the portable johns of Woodstock." - Reverend Jim Ignatowski

"Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith. I consider a capacity for it terrifying." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Personal favourite

"Never try to keep up with the Jones's - drag them down to your level. It's cheaper" - the late lamented Quentin Crisp

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."

"Be good and you will be lonesome."

"It is by the goodness of God that we have in our country three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either."

"There are three kinds of lies - lies, damn lies, and statistics."

"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen how hos merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid."

"I believe that ouor heavenly father invented man because he was dissapointed in the monkey."

and of coarse:

"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, then to open it and remove all doubt."

More true than funny, but cool all the same.
Thanx,
>Zax<