h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

With all due respect to my fellow Scotsman Billy Connolly, he didn't originate the saying 'Don't vote; it only encourages them.' W.C. Fields made this same comment back in the 1930s, and I shouldn't be surprised if someone else said it earlier than Fields.

Hey all! here's another old curse(I think it's Irish), "May those who love us love us; and those who don't love us may God turn their hearts, and if He can't turn their hearts may He turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping."

>Zax<

I forgot where I read it but...

"God, protect me from my friends, I take care of my enemies."

Also the classic...

"A Smitth&Wesson *always* beats 4 Aces"

"Don't vote, the government will get in."

"Even nuns get screwed in their coffins."

"In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king."

"I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case" - that one was Groucho Marx.

"Never rub bottoms with a porcupine" - that one is an old Ashanti proverb

A curse, I believe from The Tall Guy and said by Jeff Goldblum's character "May all your children have small penises, especially the girls"

"He who laughs last laughs longest - probably because he's thought of a dirty meaning"

(Can't remember who said this, I believe it was an exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill)
"If you were my husband, I would poison you"
"Madam, if I were your husband I would take it"

My favourite (because nobody specified that the quotes had to be from famous people):
my 4 yr old niece at my wedding during my father's speech (very loudly, of course): "Daddy, my legs are bored"

Sir Thomas Beecham (a famous conductor):

"Why should we import third rate conductors when we have so many second rate ones of our own?"

Beecham: "What is your name?"
Player: "Ball, sir"
Beecham: "How very singular!"

To a lady cellist (apocryphal):
"You have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."

Describing the harpsichord:
"Two skeletons copulating on a tin roof"

Sho - that was a Churchill quote. I don't know which woman he said it to, though.

"There are three kinds of people in this world - those that can count, and those that can't."

how bout this one from one of the greatest TV shows of all time, the A-Team:

"You can fool some people all the time, you can fool all people some of the time, but that sucker i coulda fooled every time!"
-H.M. Murdoch

Will - go put something on your page so people can visit!!

Its probably already been said but what about..

your drunk
yes well your ugly and at least Ill be sober tomorrow

I think churchill and Lady Astor but i could be wrong

Churchill and Lady Astor are responsible for many fine, fine cutting quotes.

There was a reception at some Actor's house early last century. One young up and coming actor saw a lonley chappie by the fireplace, went over to him and said (proudly):
"Hello. My name is xxxxxx. I'm an Actor"
"Oh. I'm George. I'm a King"

In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king.

"There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who think there are two kinds of people and those who don't" (I think it was Tim Ferguson who said that one)

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

3

JOTD: The only thing worse than X Winsows: (X Windows) - X

Early to bed, early to rise,
makes you tired.

i will add something to it soon, thanks for the suggestion...

it was actually Bessie Braddock who had the quote with Winston Churchill:

House of Commons late one night:
-Bessie Braddock: 'Winston you are drunk!'
-Winston Churchill: 'Bessie, you're ugly. And tomorrow morning I will be sober.'

How about the last words of general john sedgwick spoken while trying to reasure is men under fire at the battle of spotsylvania in 1864 "THEY COULDN'T HIT AN ELEPHANT AT THIS DIST.....

"SUCH IS THE HUMAN RACE.OFTEN IT DOES SEEM A PITY THAT NOAH AND HIS WIFE DIDN'T MISS THE BOAT".

"I AM NOT AN EDITOR OF A NEWSPAPER AND SHALL ALWAYS TRY TO DO RIGHT AND BE GOOD SO THAT GOD WILL NOT MAKE ME ONE".

both mark twain.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

-Groucho Marx, I believe

Everyone complains about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it.

Mark Twain

"It takes two to lie. One to lie , one to listen."

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what seperates us from the animals...except the weasel."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and saloution to - all of life's problems"

"I want to share something with you - 3 sentences that will geet you through life:
number one, 'Cover for me.'
number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population you."

"When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get."

"If you don't like your job, you don't strike, You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

A couple of these may have been said before but..

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Mlitary justice is to justice what military music is to music.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

"I want to live forever or die trying".
villa (blake's 7)

"Don't you ever get tyred of being right"
"No just with the rest of you being wrong"
dayna to avon(blake's 7)