h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I was at school we used to play a rather silly game during very dull lessons where we would write a story by passing a piece of paper around the class on which people would write a paragraph each untill you have a created a master piece Well I thought it might be funny to try the same thing here. I will start and lets see if we can create somthing funny.

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Once apon a time Bob a tall dark haired man, and Jill a not so tall blond were walking down the street discusing the events of the day. The sun was out and the light reflected of the tall glass buildings. Sundenly somthing made Bob look up, and to his amazment there was a huge.......

...Policeman, snoring away completly dead to the world who was blocking the whole road.

"Do something Bob" Jill urged nervously.

(She was in a bit of a hurry as she'd left a bottle of peroxide in her flat and she urgently wanted to get back to her roots)

Bob dutifully stepped forward and prodded the policman with his walking stick

The policeman wiggled, but stayed awake, and continued snoring away loudly. Bob was disturbed that he could not wake a policeman with a walking stick, so tried again, extremely hard this time, and this made the Massive copper wake up quickly.

He grunted loudly, and stared at Bob and Jill. The policeman's voice echoed around, "I'm going to get you". With this, Bob and Jill could see the anger brewwing in his eyes, and ran as fast as they possibly could without straing themselves. The policeman ran after the couple, and they hid behind a large dustbin in a nearby alley.

The policeman huffed and puffed his way past the entry to the alley and didn't even look down it. Bob and Jill waited for a while and then came out from behind the bins.

Jill spotted something sticking out from under a bill of black plastic bags nearby as she tried to stiffle a scream. Bob turned and saw.....

A half-used bottle of peroxide!

Jill quickly did her roots and then Bob and Jill both decided to explore the alley some more. At the far end, secluded around a corner, was a door. Jill tried the handle and found to her shock that it was open. Together, they both peered into the gloom.

Inside was a...

...

fish

"My god" screamed Jill, "who could do such a thing." She picked up the small blue fish and checked for a pulse. It was dead! Bob walked over and put his arm around Jill in a comforting, no sexual way.
"Come on lets get out of here" he said. Jill looked up "We have to find the people who did this, they cant get away with it!!" They began to look around.....

and standing behind them in the doorway was a young man in the familiar brown uniform of a UPS delivery man, holding a package about the size of a shoebox.
Though the UPS man did not look particularly threatening, Bob and Jill clung to each other in terror, and in a fairly non-sexual way, (-but you never know where these things could lead, right, -heat of the moment and all that?)
"I've got a parcel, -for a small blue fish called Beatrice," said the UPS man.
"That must be her," said Jill, "Poor Beatrice."
The UPS man offered up a clip-board, "Look, I'm going to need someone to sign for this," he said.
Bob stepped forward gingerly, signed and took the parcel. As the UPS man made his way back along the alley to his van, Bob tore the tape from the box and opened it. Inside, he found...

... an audio cassette. No message, just the tape.

They decided the message must be recorded on the tape and Jill put it in her personal stereo and started to listen to a strangely familiar voice. She couldn't quite put her finger on who it was. She gave the headphones to Bob and asked him if he recognised it.

"Of course", said Bob, "I know that voice, it's......

... "Boutros Boutros-Ghali"

"Oh no" gasped Jill "not Mr. Boutros Boutros-Ghali who was the sixth Secretary-General of the United Nations between the 1 January 1992, and 1st January 1997"

The very same" replied Bob grimly "At the time of his appointment by the General Assembly on 3 December 1991, Mr. Boutros-Ghali had been Deputy Prime Minister for Foreign Affairs of Egypt since May 1991 and
had served as Minister of State for Foreign Affairs from October 1977 until 1991."

Jill stood in silence for a few moments, stunned by all this strangely spurious incidental detail "But why would an ex Secretary General of the United nations be sending a message to a dead blue fish?"

As Bob opened his moth to speak however 12 Nazi stoormtroopers burst into the room brandishing large automati weapons (in a menacing but fairly non sexual way) - Their officer a weasly looking man strode forward "Herr Bob, we've been expecting you?"

Jill coughed and tried to remember some German. She was determined either to impress this guy or seduce him but either way she wasn't going to let him get his hands on the tape.

"Es ist verboten..." she stammered, remembering a sign she had read in McDonalds in Berlin, then she dried up - No good, the guy was an American actor impersonating a German and looked blankly at her...

She stared back, then she lunged at him, grabbed his automatic and aimed at the guy's henchmen.

At that moment.........

All of the other stormyroopers pulled out their automatic weapons. 12 against 1. Standoff.

*poor german impersonation* "Therr really is no point rezisting, Mz Jill."

One of the gaurds took away Jill's gun.

"You fel rrright into our trap.", laughed the mock gestapo officer.

"You mean the...", said Bob

"Indeed." said gestapo Man,"Zee iclke blue fisch waz juzt a rrred Herrrring."

"And the UPS guy?", stammered Bob

"Vot UPS Gi?" asked tyhe Gestapo man, looking distinctly worried.
"Qvickly! FIND HIM!", the guards all went outside.

"You vill tel me eferytingt you know."

Jill, who had used this time to gather her thoughts, grapped the bottle of peroxide she'd carried in with her fro outside. And threw it at the gestapo man, who caught it. But then slipped on the dead fish and brained himself on the brass door handle.

"Quick, now we can escape." said Bob. He took Jill by the arm and the pair fled along the alley way leaving the gestapo man supine on the floor.

Back out on the street Jill turned to Bob and said "What can we do now, where shall we go Bob?" she asked desperately

" Pssst!" said a shadowy figure behind them.

As one, they both turned around.

"My God!" said Bob

"It's you"...

... for indeed it was Hugh Grant (the floppy haired star of films such as Four Weddings and a Funeral and Noting Hill) but he was obviously in no mood to be self-indulgent...

"Grab them lads" he cried pointing to the nazis "no-one gets away with impersonating a german officer without an equity card in my parish"

Without any warning the assembled stars of british Stage and scene descended on the bemused pseudo-germans.

Bob who was a black belt in origami quickly joined in the fray and soon the opposition folded

Meanwhile in the middle of a desert somwhere in Arabia ...

One cacti turned to another cacti and said...

"The batteries on my walkman have run down. Have you got any". The other cactus looked quizically at the other in a way that only a cactus can look and said.....

"Never mind this! Tell me what's happening to Bob, Jill and Hugh!"
"well," said the First Cactus, "Hugh dusted off his hands as the last stormtropper toppled to the earth and he flicked back his mildly annoying fringe. He turned to Bob and said:

"Certainly," dipping into the pocket of its moleskin trousers, (which seemed wholely inappropriate for the climate), for the packet of batteries it always carried for when those in its electric spine trimmer went flat, "What are you listening to?"
"Well," said the other cactus, inserting the batteries, "This morning I received an audio cassette message from Boutros Boutros-Ghali."
"Oh, you mean the former UN Secretary General?"
"That's the one. We were at Cambridge together, you know? He sometimes calls me when he needs help in one of the worls trouble spots," he pressed play, "It must be important, he sent his best agent, dressed as a UPS man, to deliver it."
Ghali's message went like this:

*Oops*

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