h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm soon to come out of a relationship in which I've been a bit of a hermit. Part of this was due to having depression, partly giving up smoking so avoiding evenings out, partly avoiding nightclubs because everytime we left OH would have people calling to him "she's a big girl mate, best get brekkie or it ain't worth it" and suchlike wore me down.

Anyhoo, I am now ready to embark on getting back into what I perceive to be 'normal life' where people go out with thier mates and stuff, but am not sure how.

It may sound daft but inviting somebody out to the pictures or anything really terrifies me, quite frankly. How do I entertain them so they wish to spend time in my company again, but not be overtly chummy and weird.
What do you invite people out to do? I realise I can't sit around waiting for people to invite me, so I have to make the gesture. However I feel if I invite somebody to do something, it is then my duty to make sure they're entertained. I don't want to be dull, but don't want to bore them with chatter either. I know one should ask people about themselves but wonder if I'm asking too much? What gives me the right to ask people about their relationships? I don't want to ask them about their work - why would they want to talk about work if they're in their free time?
I have 'friends' on Facebook but an empty wall, yet their walls seem full of comments.

Maybe part of it is that I'm going to be single soon and subconsciously it's scaring the out of me.
Maybe because the guy I've spent the last 3 years with isn't a social person, doesn't like family social gatherings, and won't join in with songs/games at parties.
Maybe because my mum is a hermit and been alone so long she seems to have lost her social skills along with her awareness of personal space with people she's just met.
Maybe because I'm a Leo and thus have an innate need to be adored by all.

Those of you that have met me may (hopefully) remember me as a chatty friendly and not weird person. I'd like to be that again, but not sure how. At the moment, I'm looking forward to a near future of loneliness.

Help?

I'm afraid I can't help, because I'm about in the same boat as far as making-friends-ability goes... Do you mind if I listen in, too?

Come to the next HooToo Meet in London.... and if thats too far off... I'm free not* this weekend but the one after ,erm>

A single Queegle looking to go out to the pictures 'or something'?

Count me in!

Seriously - you're female and you're attractive. Socialising should hold no fears.

B

fanks 2legs, you're a gem

Amy, you're more than welcome.

I know it's a difficult thing to answer, so I'm trying to break it down into questions to make it easier.

So even if you've managed to chat to someone at work on a regular basis, and said "we should go out to have a proper bloke moan/fix the world chat" and they've seemed agreeable, what then? Going out for coffee seems very scary, one can't have a drink to relax a bit. Going out for a drink is difficult when one can't speak over the music 99% of pubs insist on turning to 'loud' at 8pm (it's midweek people!). We're all a bit skint, it seems a great imposition to invite oneself over to their house. If I invite them over to my house I feel it's my job to entertain and again worry about the too boring/too much quagmire.

Am I wrong in any of these assumptions?
How often do you call mates for a chat/see them?
What about people with babies, whenever you call you may wake the baby!
How would you deal with rejection, if you invited someone out/over and it was obvious they were uncomfortable with taking the 'friendship' outside of work.
I use work as an example because currently that's the only place I meet people. Though when I leave my unsocialble hours job in a few weeks, I do plan to go to some evening clubs of some description to get out and meet people. However even if I'm meeting people, I don't want to be overly keen and scare people off and besides, they've already got their own friends, why have me trying to edge in and hanging around with a nerdy "will you be my friend" body language and expression.

Thanks B. 'Should' and real life are entirely different things!

I'm pretty sure a Lot of my confidence has gone because I'm more overweight now than I've ever been. I feel that being so tall, and so large, I'm quite an imposing figure anyway.


Maybe it's because my BF is an inch shorter than me and slim. I've always felt like this giant person overwhelming him (if you've seen that internet pic of a very large woman lying face down on the bed with a pair of skinny male legs sticking out from underneath her, that's it) so part of me worries about getting to close; maybe that feeling has in some way transferred to take in everybody else.

H2G2 is certainly cheaper than a psychiatrist!

i've had this problem for years... learn to enjoy solitary walks, volunteer for some charity work, go back and look up some old friends you've lost touch with. maybe here's more to life than clubbing, that's something you do when you are young?

Thank you for those points bcr. Solitary walking on it's own I can't do, it's just boring! Now I've become an Avon lady so I get paid for being out walking!
Clubbing is great, dance music is my favourite genre to bop to, I find it very uplifting. When you're with a large group of people enjoying the same thing it's a wonderful vibe. Akin I suppose to being a football supporter at a match, but with more endorphins!
I am in touch with old school friends through Facebook(.com), but again find myself reticent about attempting to make arrangements to visit.

Fundamentally I refuse to succumb to just being alone. It is not acceptable to me, I need more than just my own company. We are a social species.

Maybe I should set up a friends-finder website, which would be a change to the 'matchmaking' websites.

I just don't know about boundaries / etiquette / etc.
If these things are meant to come naturally, I must have been last in the queue.

Single lass, attractive, looking to go on a date, doesn't understand boundaries...

Well, this just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?!

B

" I must have been last in the queue"

Oi! I bagsied last place in that queue! Along with the one on how to make smalltalk.

(good to see you back, you're still on my friends list )

Good to see you back Queegle. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don´t think I´m really the best for it. What Mu Beta has said is rather true in his own weird way. You´re young and attractive, that should make socializing easier for you.

i would definatly advise doing some evening classes or joining some clubs so you can get to know a wider group of people. Do you ever chat to friends over msn and suchlike? The best advice i can give for getting to know people is just be yourself, I have discovered this recently (I just started university) and i have found that being myself instead of trying to project some kind of fale persona is very much appreciated by most people.
Hope this makes sense.

mini

Hey Queegle! Good to see you back again!

Sounds like you're making loads of changes to your life just now: new job, newly single (sorry it hasn't worked out) etc... so just making all those changes will probably help to shoehorn yourself out of the rut you're in.

Wish I could give decent making friends advice but as I am totally crap at it too I can't really offer too much. Am good at acquaintances but not great at converting them into friends - only ever managed to turn two colleagues into actual friends I would voluntarily see at the weekend (and I married one of them). Doing stuff so that you've got something in common with the people you meet is a good start though, especially if its a fairly sociable thing. Probably good to focus on things that you think are fun to do and where coincidentally you meet other people as you're more likely to be in a more outgoing frame of mind if you're enjoyng yourself, and it is easier to turn a shared enthusiasm into conversation about other things.


k

I always appreciate it if someone puts in the effort to organize something social. The majority of people, myself included, can't be bothered very often or are a bit to timid to put themselves out.

So I suppose just be forward? If someone's not interested then they can say so. If they're not capable of saying so then it's time they learnt. Everyone else will probably feel grateful if you get them together for a nice evening.

Also, smallish group invites are a little less scary to do than 1-on-1. Less chance of awkwardness.

Queegle, wooo slow down!
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AS said just be yourself. Work is a good place to meet people as no pressure and you can just chat to people and find out if you like them or not. Don't go OTT and chill out as no rush to meet people and make them friends , it isn't a contest! Most people actually only have one or two really close friends. I think many people meet people who will become close friends when they aren't really trying. As said already, voluntering is a good way to meet people along with night classes where you can learn something useful and fill your evenings.
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I don't think making too many rules for having a conversation is a good idea as makes you tense as trying to do the right thing. Just go with the flow and say what feels natural, remember new people you meet are unsure and nervous too!
If you are worried about making small talk then go somewhere where you are both involved in an activety so don't have to talk much.
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This sounds silly but isn't, get or borrow a dog as dog walkers meet lots of people with other dogs and again you can have conversations with people in a none prsssured way. Also of course walking a dog gets you out in fresh and gives you exercise, which is great for helping depression, particulary in winter, but it helps all year. Not only that but dogs can be bloody good fun with throwing their toys, etc.

It's easy for someone that's outgoing to say to someone who's not to "be forward"--but it can be about as helpful as telling someone who's depressed to "cheer up"... I realize such advice is meant well (more often than the "cheer up" advice is) but *how* *forward* is the *right* *amount* of forward? Where's the line between "forward" and "pushy", and between "pushy" and "eek, desperate, run away!"?

in my experience the difference between those who are successful at socialising (by which I mean meeting new people, gaining new friends, keeping old friends, meeting partners etc) and those who aren;t is that those who aren't care/worry a lot more about getting it wrong. Those who seem good at it are not so bothered by the possibility of getting it wrong.

Same with relationships. The successful blokes I know don;t care so much about the knock backs - they'll ask anyway. Even with a 99% failure rate they ask enough times that it doesn;t matter.

Note I am not saying you should be like this (I know I am not and don;t think I want to change) but it seems to me that the difference is not in skills or abilities or opportunities but in the mindset of the individual. They don;t mind if someone thinks they're a prat, or a sleaze or an idiot they just go for it.

I agree with Ictoan here. Before I went to university I had pretty severe confidence issues and had terrible trouble making friends or going up and talking to a girl I liked. Now I have improved. I'm still quite bad at it, but I'm improved, and to be honest that been done through a certain amount of masochism, placing myself in situations I feel uncomfortable and trying to become comfortable in them.

"...had terrible trouble making friends or going up and talking to a girl I liked"

Yeah, I still get a lot of trouble doing that.

B

Ah, Exhibit A - Master B.