h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

<'to explain truth to him who loves it not is to give more plentiful material for misinterpretation.'...George MacDonald> Mich2ael


From your journal: Mich2ael

As has been discussed elsewhere, plans are underway for the building of the Third Temple of God in Jerusalem.

Here we read about the dedication of the First Temple:

1 When Solomon finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices, and the glory of the LORD filled the temple. 2 The priests could not enter the temple of the LORD because the glory of the LORD filled it. 3 When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the LORD above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the LORD, saying,
"He is good;
his love endures forever."
4 Then the king and all the people offered sacrifices before the LORD. 5 And King Solomon offered a sacrifice of twenty-two thousand head of cattle and a hundred and twenty thousand sheep and goats. So the king and all the people dedicated the temple of God. 6 The priests took their positions, as did the Levites with the LORD's musical instruments, which King David had made for praising the LORD and which were used when he gave thanks, saying, "His love endures forever." Opposite the Levites, the priests blew their trumpets, and all the Israelites were standing.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2chron7&version=31

Further on in the passage God gives this waring to Solomon for Israel:

19 "But if you [c] turn away and forsake the decrees and commands I have given you [d] and go off to serve other gods and worship them, 20 then I will uproot Israel from my land, which I have given them, and will reject this temple I have consecrated for my Name. I will make it a byword and an object of ridicule among all peoples. 21 And though this temple is now so imposing, all who pass by will be appalled and say, 'Why has the LORD done such a thing to this land and to this temple?' 22 People will answer, 'Because they have forsaken the LORD, the God of their fathers, who brought them out of Egypt, and have embraced other gods, worshiping and serving them—that is why he brought all this disaster on them.' "


We know from history that this is what happened.

We also know from textual criticism and archaeology that this almost certainly happened before the verses in the Bible were written. Verses such as references to Joshua conquering independent city-state in Canaan at a time when Egyptian archives tell us that Canaan was part of the Egyptian empire, thus showing a lack of even basic understanding of the time period in question, thus meanning that the Bible (at least in its current form) cannot be contemporary with the events it describes:

And Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. And the LORD said unto Moses, Write this for a memorial in a book, and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua: for I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven. - Ex 17:13-14.

cf http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amarna_letters

Gif

WHy is it that when bible excerpts are posted, and "lord" is capitalised all the way, I always hear it read in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson?

http://xkcd.com/462/

Possibly you are thinking of this?

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel%2025;&version=31;

Personally I was always rather fond of Joshua 10:12-13 and 2 Kings 20:8-11.

It's the parts when astronomical phenomena are moved about the sky to make a point just to make a point because the LORD is such a tremendous show-off.

I saw this last verse in particular being used on a religious programme aimed at children so it's nonsensical view of the universe stuck with me.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=6&chapter=10&version=31

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings%2020;&version=31;

this is a good old one:

'The LORD was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had iron chariots.'

Judges 1:19

Those darn iron chariots. God is all powerful, except for those darn iron chariots. Like garlic to a vampire.

and salvation didn't arrive for well another 3906 years.

http://tiny.cc/gChqi

I'd always thought that verse was a metaphor. I certainly couldn't take it at face value until I'd looked at at least 3 different possible translations of 'iron chariots'. I suspect the original Hebrew may read 'pungent feet'.

Gif

Gotta love Leviticus. Verse 20 is what Iris Robinson et al use to call homosexuality an abomination, but I do wish they'd get on with the rest of the chapter, and outlaw eating shellfish and pork, wearing mixed fibres, and that awful practice of trimming one's beard. Oh, and kill fortunetellers.

16 I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.
ROMANS 1:16

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%201:16;&version=31;

1CORINTHIANS 4:16

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

another oldy: Mark 16:16-18.

I'm rather fond of Mk 16:18

'Come on in, true Christians. (cough, cough), Would you like something to drink, (cough, cough), while you cuddle my pet diamondback?
Oh, I'm fine, (cough, cough). No, really, It's just a touch of typhoid..'

I'm currently particularly fond of the magic spell for causing abortions in unfaithful women. It take up most of Numbers 5.

Gif

I looked and I saw the glory of the LORD fill the temple of the LORD, and I fell face down


EZEKIEL 44.4

*that should be 'filling the temple of the LORD'