h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/B&Q

Originally called Block and Quayle after the two guys who founded it

My eight year old, after watching a nature programme on TV - "I'm glad I'm not a spider - I'd be terrified of myself!"


Also evidence that my wife may not always address me in an entirely respectful manner - on finding me in her way, my daughter cheerfully, and innocently, said "Excuse me, Silly Sod"

Oh!.. You didn't bleed to death then?

Once again, Cheeky Monkey with her wonderful literal view of the world...

My mother in law was telling us how her husband was transported in an ambulance by a woman he served in the TA with over 20 years ago. "It's a small world" she said.

Cheeky thought for a second and replied -

"No. Actually it's very big. As big as... well... thousands big. It's *not* small!"

After being told that standing on the edge of the couch with her back to the room wasn't such a good idea, PaperKid (now 5) replied,'I know. I'm just a kid, so I didn't know that.' (All in one breath)

we went to see (now 6), as we do every friday night and i (being the clever one) tend to play loads of scrabble and/or other word games made with the scrabble tiles.

this week i wouldnt allow one of her chosen words as she put it on the board backwards.
i was told that as i only played with her once a week and her big brother plays daily, that i dont know what im talking about.
implying that i dont know enough to spell words or play it properly.

i wouldnt mind, but i spent many years as a classroom assistant and all i ever did at one point was 'spellings'.

A conversation with a mate of mine. He is the assistant manager in a certain shop where you can build your own teddy bear...
A young boy came up to him and asked if he could have a new box in which to store his bear (these are given away free when you buy a bear).
"Mine's got blood all over it!"
Steve, my mate, must have looked a bit bemused, as the lad continued - "I wanted to know if my pet mouse would make noises if I squeezed him like my teddy does, but blood came out"

Ahh, kids... gotta love 'em!

Yes, but did it make any noises?

RF

A muffled squeak before it croaked?


Ooooooooooookay.. I'll get me coat!

That sounds like a kid with issues...

We went to Llandudno on May Bank Holiday Sunday.
Over the weekend, there was a three day Victorian Extravanganza.
There were loads of people dressed up in appropriate costume, vintage cars, lorries and buses and steam driven fairground rides.
Basically, loads to see and do.

As there was so much to see, we had planned to take to the beach as one of the last things on our 'to do list'. Which for a 6 year old is agony .
So for quite a time,every few minutes, it was... 'When are we going to the beach?'.

Then, it became....'If we dont go to the beach soon, it will be closed and I wont get to build any sandcastles.'

You must know about beach closing times, surely?

My youngest has come out with a couple of good ones over the weekend…

An old friend of mine, in her 70’s, is suffering bad arthritis in her hand. Apparently it runs in the family, and, pointing to her hand, said “I got this from my father”.

My daughter looked horrified – “You mean that’s your dad’s hand!?”



Then on Saturday she was playing with a balloon, rubbing it in her long hair, and watching in a mirror as the static pulled her hair up on end. She came running in to us, looking like someone who’d had an electric shock, and exclaimed,

“Look, I’ve got ecstatic hair!”

We were watching Hot Fuzz (yes, I know it's not at all a suitable film for a six year old boy, I'm a bad parent). Osh (six year old boy) asked why the people wearing black cloaks and hoods were dressed like that.

"It's a disguise," I said.

"Well it's not a very good one," said Osh. "You can tell they're killers."

Eldest daughter this time - at school yesterday they were learning about DNA. They were told about important events - when the first model was made, when it's significance in reproduction was realised, and, apparently, when, in the early 1930's, the first recorded occurence of a sheep being "artificially incinerated"...

A friends 3 year old grandson was watching our dog as she was doing her 'hoovering' impression and collecting stray crumbs.

" Look, Holly is eating the carpet!!!'

Daughter in law was in a shop and we stood outside with grandaughter

We were studying the clothes on the window mannequins and grandad said that it was rather expensive for the 'scrap' of material that was supposed to be a mini dress/tunic type outfit. He said that anyone wanting to spend £36 for that must be mental.

To which replied...... Its fashion grandad, ITS FASHION !!!

Grown ups don't undestand fashion. My 11 year old tld me not to buy a shirt once, as "it's WAY too trendy for you!"

My younger daughter last night told me she wants a dog when she grows up. I told her, fine, you buy it, then leave it alone, lonely, in the house all day while you go to work!

"I won't get a job then"

"But how will you pay for all the dog food, vets bills - nd py for your own food, too?"

"Oh, I'll get a husband for that!"

She is brilliant!!

"peaches have fuzz on them so that blind people don't mistake them for apples"

THAT is brilliant!!