h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

lol

Blimey. Is this thread back in business?

Quick quick, try to think of amusing anecdote...

I miss this old thread.... Sighhhhh....

It hasn't been the same since Gosho left the portals of Cheapo's for good. Speaking of which.... Gosho, just for old time's sake (or perhaps with the help of someone currently in the employ of Cheapo's) another tale??????

There was, it seems, a Canadian (sorry Mudhooks) tourist in my Dad's pub (he's the landlord) a few nights ago wanting a pint of gin. Dad of course explained he could sell him a single, or a double, or a bottle to take home, but not, as licencing laws stand, a pint in a pint glass. Man was under the impression that in Britain you could buy just about any alcoholic drink in pints. Dad pointed out the extreme danger inherent in drinking a pint of gin in one evening, which is why they don't sell it in pints. The tourist didn't exactly lose his temper, but was overheard complaining to one of the regulars about Dad being an old stick-in-the-mud and British pubs were no fun.

Did this fellow not understand the nature of gin? Is gin something different in Canada? Or does every nation suffer its share of dingbats?

This sounds like an urban myth, but it really happened:
I used to work in a computer store (a small privately-owned business, rather than PC Universe), and one day we had a call from a customer saying that she'd spilt coffee on her computer and was worried she'd ruined it. We told her to bring the PC in and we'd have a look inside to check that everything was okay. The woman comes into the shop with her PC and we look at it everything seems to be fine except that the CD drive won't open. When we told the woman this she asked if we meant the coffe cup holder which had "disappeared suddenly" causing the spill.

And then there was the time I was working for a Peugeot Fleet Hire dealing with the road tax for the vehicles.
"Good morning, Peugeot Fleet Hire, how can I help?"
"I want to know where my new tax disc is."
"Can I take your registration number."
""
"Okay, it appears that you haven't submitted the V10 document -"
(Interruopting)"What's a V10?"
"The V10 is the registration document for your vehicle, it shows that the care is in your name for the duration of the lease."
"Why would I need to submit one to you?"
"Because without it we cannot automatically generate the tax disc request for your vehicle."
"That can't be it, you're lying to me."
"No I'm not. I can order an individual tax disc now but in order for the tax disc to be automatically ordered we need the V10."
"I want to speak to your manager."
"I'm afraid my manager's in a meeting at the moment."
"No, that's bulls**t. If you don;t want my business that's your problem you f**king t**t. I want your name so I can register a complaint."
"I'm afraid I cannot speak to you if you are going to be abusive."
"Right, f**k off then." (hangs up)

Client rings up at half past ten: Do you have the results for Batch X?(We're a lab that runs blood tests.)
Me: No, they haven't finished running yet.
Client: What do you mean, they haven't finished yet?
Me: The samples arrived at five o'clock last night, sir. Your contract is for twenty-four hour turnover.
Client: Can't you do it faster?
Me: No sir. We don't have full staff here overnight or at weekends.
Client: Why not?
Me: Because we don't, unless you'd like to come in and run the samples yourself...

We have a student who caused us hilarity off and on for several weeks last term...

In the library, we send out overdue notices to remind people that their books are due back to us. These generally go by e-mail. One nice student responded and said 'Sorry. Could you renew them for me?' However, as they had deleted the original message and neglected to sign the e-mail, we had to respond, saying 'please could you give us your name or library card number, so that we can renew your books'. No reply.

The next week, someone comes to the issue desk and says 'Why haven't my books been renewed?...' and told us the above story, including having received the e-mail from us. However, she hadn't replied to it, hence not getting her books renewed. We explained that we would need her library card number as an e-mail address of (for example) abc987 means little to us. She got irate and eventually left, WITHOUT giving us her name or library card number, or returning her books. However, we did give her our line manager's e-mail address so that she could pursue the matter.

Later that week, my line manager receives an e-mail about the situation, mentioning the e-mails and the conversation at the issue desk. What do you think she forgot to include? That's right, she didn't mention her name or include her library card number. We had a good guffaw at this and my line manager replied "Again, we need your name, or preferably your library card number in order to access your library account and renew your books or waive your fines. Please could you respond with this information. It would also be useful if you could tell me when you originally e-mailed us." She got a response fairly quickly. The full text of the message?:

Wednesday.



We have no idea if she has returned or renewed them yet... With a large staff, only three of us actually know what she looks like and none of us know her name!

Students...

I love these library stories.... Where would we be without having complete morons to laugh at? Thanks for that, David!

A new addition to the recurrent theme of 'strange things used as bookmarks', which in our library has included family photos, credit card bills, a condom (in the wrapper, thank goodness!) and a slice of raw bacon.

This week's addition is not quite as outlandish as some of the others, but still a little odd: a free sample of Fructis conditioner...

David

I borrowed a SF novel from the local library yesterday. It was bookmarked with an unsmoked cigarette squashed nearly flat. That was odd.

... A slice of raw bacon!

Interesting. I once bought a second-hand book that came with two used train tickets included. It was an unexpected surprise.


Geggs

After reading a few comments in this thread, I'll be sure to be a more careful customer in future!

These isn't exactly retail, but they do fit somewhat. I and some fellow students were out collecting money for the tsunami, and one guy as he walked past me exclaimed "Wow! That's a great bucket!" He didn't give anything, just said I had a great bucket. He wasn't the worst.

The worst was this old guy who asked me what I was collecting for. I told him briefly about the tsunami and how it had been on TV and radio, and in the newspapers. He then told e his life story, where he was born, where he grew up, how he had been around the world, his work history, etc. He had recently returned to Galway and had seen enormous numbers of young people resorting to prostitution, sometimes even just for a place to sleep. He then gave out to me for having the audacity to try and help people in a foreign country when the money was needed here.

One of the other collectors spent some time trying to convince a woman to donate, but she failed because the potential donatee insisted the God would bring them back up and there was no need to help.

At the nasty people. If I ca't/don't want to donate to any given cause I just say 'sorry' and walk on (and believe me, I'm almost always genuinely sorry).

And the raw bacon - yes, really. But, of course, as we knew who the last person to borrow the book was, we were able to charge them for a replacement (the relevant pages were, unsurprisingly, ruined!).

David

I imagine that they were rather non-plussed at being expected to PAY for a book and couldn't see why....

It was like deja vu all over again at seeing not just one but SIX postings, here. It warms my litttle heart.

While I was relating the bacon bit to a friend, here at work, she mentioned her "customer service heel" day.

Firstly, one of the "baristas" at Starbucks spilled hot tea on her hand and then basically ignored her, despite the fact that her hand was lobster-like from the scalding.

Then she went to The Bay (The Hudson's Bay Company, a department store, and the North America's oldest retail establishment) to buy boots. After making her purchase, she said that she wanted to wear her boots out of the store. The clerk said that she needed to spray them if she was going to do that (weatherproofing spray).

By "she" I don't mean the clerk should weather spray them, but that my friend should. She gave her the spray and said "Just find a secluded spot in the purse department." My friend said that she didn't feel like engaging in espionage simply to spray her boots, couldn't understand why this basic bit of customer service was being soughed of on her, but dutifully wandered off to find somewhere to spray her boots.

After asking in the sock department where she could spray her boots, they directed her out into the mall to some benches.

So, out she went and began spraying her boots. She was interrupted by the first clerk, from the shoe department, "just making sure everything was alright, and by the way, she needed her spray back and so she offered to spray her boots for her....

That was "customer service hell", although heel is sort of apropos....

A truly spectacular stupid student this morning.

I entered the photocopier room to copy the cashing up sheet from the till and various other thrilling items, and as I was doing so, a student made three trips to the recycling bin. Finally, she asked me for help, as the copier was copying the wrong thing. I lifted the lid on the photocopier, and she had the piece of paper face up instead of face down and was therefore copying the reverse side of the sheet, which had something she didn't want on it. I turned it over, pressed the OK button and she got what she needed.

I can understand (just!) getting it wrong the first time, but at least three times? Surely, after one attempt, she should have realised what was wrong and turned the paper over?

David

Glad to see the old thread back again! Yay!

When I started work at our local library right after I left school, the deputy librarian told me the weirdest bookmark she'd ever encountered was a fried egg!

Egg and bacon.. mmmm...

Interesting you mention the bacon David. I was reading an essay by John Steinbeck recently, in which he mentioned that a library in Birmingham found this a sufficiently widespread problem that they issued a public request for members not to use kippers or slices of bacon as bookmarks.

Perhaps this is some weird tradition that's been going on for years!

I can't help but wonder what sort of person would think it a good idea to use food as a book mark... maybe they were hoping for a quick snack next time they got the book out ?

I keep speaking to customers on Friday afternoons who have obviously been to the pub at lunchtime... and there was one guy who had obviously had a few 'jazz cigarettes' and kept calling me 'man'.