h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have recently been Skyping with a guywho was a room-mate in college.

He has been working for a number of years for a large pharmacy chain, here in Canada. He has been a font of weird and wonderful retail tales. Unfortunately, a lot of the stories have been verbal. Fortunately, he has beenemailing them to me. I sense that being able to vent to me, a former fellow-traveller, has been rather cathartic for him.

I am going to post a few of these stories for your delectation...

The Tales of the Drugstore Cowboy....


Hi There!

And then there was the time when I was at the **** store. It was Christmas and the manager chose our "underprivileged" family to sponsor from the list of names provided by whatever organisation. They wouldn't give any names but they would tell the ages and genders of the family members and what they wanted for Christmas.

Well, this family asked for so much loot but it was the mother in particular who blew it for them. She asked for a fax/modem and any computer software. Like, duh. So our manager called the organisation and expressed her doubts that this was a truly underprivileged family. The people investigated and it turned out to be a **** family where the father was a computer programmer and had very recently been laid off from Nortel or Compaq. Big house, two cars, the whole bit. Of course he'll find lucrative work again. From then on we only sponsored group homes.

Which leads perfectly into my next story. (It's a good thing you got me off the phone). The first year we sponsored a group home for mentally handicapped adults, the requests for Christmas gifts were so simple it was heartbreaking. One man wanted toy cars, another woman wanted colouring books, another man wanted a t-shirt. Well, I worked with this woman whose cheapness was legendary. Shortly before we received the Christmas list from the group home, we had colouring books on sale in one of our flyers. They were on sale for only about two dollars but they didn't sell so the manager reduced them to 25 cents each just to "blow them out" as we say in retail.

It wasn't exactly spoken but it was assumed that each of us would spend or give at least ten to twenty dollars for the group home. Ms. Cheapness goes running to the manager, as soon as the notice is posted, to say that she will buy the colouring books. Within minutes she reappears with six of our cheap, markdown colouring books, which cost her less than two dollars, plus her discount. I was so pissed off. The rest of us gave or spent at least twenty dollars. And this woman was not suffering financially. She was married to a man who was gainfully employed, again, in the computer industry. They were Chinese immigrants and I suppose that would make you more aware of money issues but I thought that was the height of cheapness.

And I have more stories which I will tell you about during one of our Skype sessions. I love that technology. And I hate retail.

Tales of the Drugstore Cowboy (cont'd)

How are things?

I have my doctor's appointment at nine and then I have to go into work for 1. And I'm not looking forward to it. Boss has been in one of her "moods" since the beginning of the week. I realise that if she hasn't said anything to me then it must not concern me and if it does concern me and she's waited several days to tell me then that's just bad management, n'est-ce pas? Still, it bothers me to the point of an upset stomach. I envy people who just don't care about bitchy bosses.

I've worked with part-time teenagers who are not the least bit intimidated by them. Then again, I think that's teen attitude, which I never had.

I remember this one teenager at %%%% who tried to give away a shift for a week and when no-one would take it she called in sick. Well, the manager made it quite clear to her that he didn't buy her sick excuse and if she didn't want the job she could just quit. Well, rather than being intimidated, she comes into work and attempts to give him hell for being "rude" to her. All the while not looking the least bit sick. And just 17 years old! F@cking misplaced attitude! Sure, get pissed off about hunger, aids, child poverty, but not about the fact that one of your shopping expeditions was thwarted.

Have I told you the story about the teenage boy at %%%% who went on a 15 minute break and was gone for almost an hour? He said he met up with some friends and lost track of time. This same guy went on a break on another day and was gone for almost half an hour. His excuse that time was that he met up with some friends outside the mall and they "charley horsed" him so he lay on the ground until he could stand. I'm not making this up.

One day he had the gall to tell me about a cousin of his who was notorious within the family for being useless and lazy. So I had the gall to say to him, "I guess it must be a family trait." Well he gets this really hurt look on his face and tells me he's going to file a grievance against me. I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on because it was my word against his and his work record would not stand up to scrutiny. I felt bad because he was almost in tears, but I thought, buddy, you've got to get a grip and realisation of yourself. His parents used to come and get him all the time after work.

I could go on forever. There was the part-time girl who asked for the pay advance to the tune of several hundred dollars and was granted it! I couldn't believe that. And then she proceeds to call in sick constantly and one morning, the final straw, my supervisor gets to work and sees this car sitting outside the staff entrance. As she approaches she sees this girl in the car with her parents. The girl rolls down the window and says, "Sorry, something's come up and I can't work today". The parents wave and drive away! If the parents don't instill any kind of discipline in the children.

And then there was the night we were trying to catch a girl we knew was stealing and instead we caught a new boy(18) who had on him almost 100 dollars of cosmetic merchandise. Very small and easy to conceal. Just like his dick. Did I say that? I must be bitter. Truly I do not understand the stealing phenomenon. Get your own sandwich. That's a subway joke.

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Stop me if I've told you this one before. Oh wait, you can't.

It happened years ago when I was staying with my aunt and uncle and their two screaming brats, sorry, children in *&*&*. I had a part-time job with a telephone survey company. We weren't selling anything and our opening brief preamble gave the person the opportunity to say no within the first two minutes. Well, one night I called this woman and she proceeds to humiliate me with a stream of invectives and verbal abuse. F*** you, you f****** jerk" And so on.

Well, this was before the days of call display. Ah, those were the good old days. So I took her number down and called her randomly for the entire night and hung up. Clever bloke that I am, I didn't call her at predictable intervals, oh no, it ranged from every five minutes to once in two hours. By four o'clock in the morning I had her in tears. I'm not proud of that but it happened. All you have to say is, "Sorry, not interested". Like, duh.

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I have a funny story for you. I know you'll appreciate this one. My father golfs about three times a week. On the way to this golf course there is a small coffee shop.

Early this summer it changed ownership and was acquired by an older Asian couple(turns out they're from South Korea). Soon after reopening this coffee shop they posted, outside, a hand-painted sign that read,"Coffee, tea, pop, and snakes"

Well, in typical Canadian fashion, no-one said anything for weeks but in the last few weeks my father tells me it now says, "Coffee, tea, pop, and snacks". Yes, I'd like a coffee and an anaconda, please.

----

Retail sucka!

But you don't need me to tell you that. I'm not certain if it's stupidity or just a wilful kind of ignorance that people adopt as soon as they walk into a customer service scenario. Honestly, people won't even try to find toothpaste on their own. It takes up most of an aisle and we only have six aisles.

In the time it takes a customer to find someone who works in the store and ask them, they could find it on their own. And I have my own gauge of a customer's right to ask the location of an item. It's directly dependant on the customer's age and the popularity of the item. If they're really old and looking for toothpaste, OK, if they're under 80 and ask me where the toothpaste is, there's no excuse. But if you're looking for nasal aspirators, no matter what age, I'll gladly help you because they don't take up an entire aisle.

And then there's the "Excuse me, do you work here?". Every five damn minutes. No, I wear a "DrugRUs" uniform with a "DrugRUs" nametag and I'm putting stock on shelves just by sheer coincidence. I've been asked that when I've been standing on cash.

And then there's the novelty of whenever you're standing at a cash without a "Please Use Next Cash" sign in front of you, people always say, "Are you open?".

I've even said to people, "Can I help you here?" and they say, "Are you open?" No, I'm just trying to lure you to my cash and dupe you into thinking I'm open. But if you're trying to go on break and you put up your "Please Use Next Cash" sign, they completely ignore it and push it out of the way to set their stuff on the counter. You have to say to people, and be aggressive, "I'm closed!!" And then they sniff and snort and move to another cash.

Today I was putting out our daily order and I happened to be in the pain relief section. It doesn't matter what part of the store you're in, if there's a customer there, they ask for your help. I've been asked for help with feminine pads. A young man once asked me to help him select a deodorant and we sniffed various deodorants until he trusted my opinion. Once a young woman came with the strip from a pregnancy test. Excuse me, am I pregnant?

Oh yeah.

Today, this woman asks me, "How am I supposed to know which of these aspirins is coated?" Well, read the label you idiot, came to mind, but I didn't say that.

My father had a unique suggestion. Bend over and attempt to slide them in, if they go in easily, they're coated.

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Did I ever tell you about the ferocious woman I worked for at the *&^$^%^ Museum right after I left Ottawa? Where do these people come from and why do they always end up in management and even in museums? She was psychotic.

One Monday morning she flipped on two people who were just having a typical Monday morning conversation. "How are you, how was your weekend" She storms up and she's yelling, "Get to work! You don't socialise on my time you socialise on your own time!!"

This is like at 8:05 and these people had just arrived. When I was leaving the museum, one of the full-time maintenance men was preparing to take a grievance all the way to the Mayor because Cruella Deville was refusing to give him a day off for his daughter's wedding!

Can you believe it? The wedding was during the summer and, yes, that was the busiest time for the museum but he gave a year's notice and there was extra maintenance staff over the summer.

Just last fall there was an article in The *&^$^%^ Standard that this person was leaving her post as Director of the museum and had hired an attorney to negotiate "fairer terms of departure".

My father, who knows alot about this kind of thing from his days as Human Resources Manager at "a certain" College, said, "She's been fired. If you're leaving a job by choice, you don't hire a lawyer". It took them bloody well long enough. But, according to my father, it's very difficult to get rid of people who are hired by boards of directors because the people on the board all have further political aspirations and don't want to admit they made a mistake in hiring for a big job. So the rest of us suffer.

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I have to say, Mudhooks, this guy lost me, when he got to this story. The reason is, I hate telemarketers despite having been one myself. He can't possibly know what he might have interrupted that made the woman react by effing and blinding at him, he might have caught her in the middle of a real crisis! My brother spoke like that to a man who rung right after we'd got home from my Mum's funeral - he was only 18 and was very upset. Still, that's not my main point.
Back in the early 1990s, I'd just got home from walking my son to school. I'd got caught in a rainstorm and was naked in the bathroom, having just dried myself and was putting clean dry clothes on. The phone rang, and it was a dork selling satellite TV coverage, which was new back then. I said, 'I'm sorry, not interested, and you've caught me at a bad time'. The guy continued his spiel. I hung up, and went back to trying to dress. The guy did exactly what your friend did - harassing me by calling at random intervals. Now, I'd just put the answering machine on, but back then I didn't have one - and I had to have the phone on - I had a five year old at school and any phone call could have been a teacher telling me he'd broken his leg on playground equipment!
So, in desperation, I called the nutmeg's company and complained and got him fired. Luckily, he'd given his name when he first phoned and I have a good memory for names.

I was caught by a telemarketer last friday when I was just heading out to a friend's leaving do. I was just getting ready to leave when the phone rings and this woman wants to ask me some questions for a "short" survey.

Me: Hello, Christian speaking.
Her: Hi... (pause)... Is this a residential number or a company number?
Me: Ummm.. Residential?
Her: Oh, good, My name is somethingorother and I'd like to ask you a few questions for a short survey.
Me: Well, you caught me at a bad time since I'm just heading out the door, and I'm running a little bit late as it is.
Her: Well, this won't take long, it's a very short survey. It'll only take about 10 minutes.
Me: I'm sorry, I really don't have time, so I'm going to have to decline taking part in your survey.
Her: Well, it'll only be a short survey...
Me: Well, I'm sure it is, but as I've said, I was literally out the door when you called, so I don't have time.
Her: Will you be at home tomorrow, then, soI can have one of my co-workers contact you then instead?
Me: Ummm... (thinking this is a good way to get rid of her).. yeah, I should be at home pretty much all day tomorrow. (Blatant lie since I knew I had other plans that would keep me out of the house for most of the afternoon. )
Her: Good, I'll pass your details to one of my colleagues then, and they will call you. Will 1 o'clock be good?
Me: (thinking "Good, that gives me a time where I know I won't answer the phone if I happen to be at home.") Yes, that shoudl be fine.
Her: Thank you, we'll contact you tomorrow, then.
Me: Bye. *hang up* Yeah, you can try getting hold of me tomorrow.

The following day, after having gotte home quite late, I decided to stay at home all day.
1:05, the phone rings. I wonder who that might be... Let it ring...
1:15.. Phone rings again... Nope.. Not falling for that one. If it's someone I know that is trying to get hold of me, they've got my mobile number.
1:20.. Phone rings again.. Persistent little buggers, aren't they?
1:25.. Phone goes again. Give it up already, I'm not going to answer!
1:35.. Again, phone goes off. Still not answering...

That was the last time the phone rang that day...At last.. Peace and quiet..

Point taken... This was probably almost 20 years ago, so I am guessing that it was a simple call to a customer. Twenty years ago, Bell was not sales-call oriented and I cannot ever recall having received a sales call from them in those days. These days Bell is as aggressive as any company in their sales-calling.

I say "I'm not interested" and if they continue I either hang up on them or read them the part in the regulations governing telemarketers (which I keep handy by the phone) which covers the violation(s) they have just made and tell them if they don't take me off their calling list I will make it an official complaint to Consumer and Corporate Affairs.

In fact, I just called the Ottawa Sun's sales department the other day to tell them if they didn't take me off their call list forthwith, I would be calling Consumer and Coporate Affairs. We were getting at least one call a month and it is usually my Mom who answers and she isn't the sort of person to just hang up.

It is a shame that Canada doesn't have the same regulation where, if you continue to call someone after the told you to take them off the list, you can sue them for large sum of money.

That usually stops them.

Sorry, yes... it was a survey company, not Bell.

My brother used to say "Oh, I'd love to hear what you say, but I don't have time right now. Why don't you give me your home number, so I can call you back when *you're* having your dinner!" That shut 'em up..

bookmark...stories to follow...wirkfirst...hurry...

I had a funny customer today. I work in a supermarket, and I was busy stacking shelves when I hear this voice, maybe 3, 4 metres away say into the air in a normal tone of voice "I'm looking for 400 grams of chick peas". I sort of saw her out of the corner of my eye, and as she wasn't with anyone I assumed she was talking to me. No "excuse me" or anything, she just spoke like she was continuing a conversation or as if I was right next to her and paying attention. Anyway, a bit strange, but I've had stranger so I took her to the chick peas and pointed out a few different brands, all the ones that I could see. I left her to it and continued stacking. Five minutes later, after examining all of the chick peas she came back over and asked me where the gherkins were. Fair enough, not something you'd buy everyday so I showed her where they were and off she went. Half an hour later she was back again. "Hi, I'm lost again." "Sure, what can I help you with?" After looking at her list for a while she said "I'm looking for...400 grams of...chick peas" (she said "Chick peas" really slowly like she's never heard of them before) "Um, OK, there right here." "Oh, is that what they look like?" She'd just spent 5 minutes looking at them! I picked one up and gave it to her and went back to my work. A few minutes later she was half-way up the aisle and called to me to ask if I could get something off the top of the shelves for her. I grabbed by step thingie and went off the help her but she didn't move so I could put it down so I took one of the things she wanted off the bottom shelf where there were plenty and gave it to her. A bit of meaningless chatter went on while I got the things off the top and put them down the bottom to avoid anymore confusion . I went back to my work (again). 5 minutes she was back wanting to know where dill was. I knew it was a herb and therefore in the fresh produce area but seeing that we were both in the tinned foods I thought that she may have wanted some canned dill (if there is such a thing). I said "Did you want it tinned?" She looks at her list again (obviously someone else wrote it) and pointed to a bit of it and said "There's dill, apricots and pears. Apparently they're all in the same place". So I said - "They'll all be in the fruit and vege department" and off she went, never to be seen again. OK fair enough not knowing where dill was, but apricots and pears!? I kept an eye out for her, hoping she'd come back again (possibly for the chick peas again, I don't think she took any) but I didn't see her again. Maybe there'll be a part 2 someday.

I do hope that there is someone to help her find her underwear in the morning rather than leaving her to her own devices.

Honestly!

Perhaps she was a "secret shopper". They used to be the bane of my existence, since even the rudest and most curt employee got glowing reports by these people and I, who regularly got commendations from customers sent to head office, invariably received scathing reports from the secret shoppers.

Come the revolution, secret shoppers will be first up against the wall .... after the annoying couple from the Canadian Tire commercials....

I hope not! I wasn't rude but our store has a policy that we have to actually hand the customers the item. I got a horrible report once, about 67% on my 2nd or 3rd week there. Luckily the manager at the time was nice about it.

I've gotten abuse from customers when I have tried to comply with the "take the customers to the item, choose which precise one out of a dozen or more options they wanted, hand it to them and give them a wowwipop for being such a good little invalid" policy. I've had a lot of people say "I don't need you to actually take me to it, just TELL me" and I've had one who really yelled at me "don't wander off, just tell me where the f***ing thing is!" I've given up now.

I worked in a bookstore where the policy was you had to greet customers as soon as you can after they walk into the store and ask them "Can I help you find something?" Which is fine, except that people who don't need help get pissed off because they just want to wander about and people who do need help invariably either ignore you and then complain no one offered any help or say they don't need help when they really do....

My favorite incident from this time period was when the ownerwho rarely mde forays down onto the selling-floor from his office several floors away, came into the store and there was one customer wandering about.

The owner made "the eybrows" at us to go and ask if he needed help.... We all said "He has been asked and he doesn't need any help"....

Exasperated, the owner went up to this man and asked in a his best Basil Fawlty voice "Can I help you find something?"

The man turned on him and said "For God's SAKE! Can you not leave a man in peace to browse? You are the third person to ask me if they can help me in 5 minutes! Just LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!"

The owner blanched, backed up and left the store without looking once at us.

From then on, the policy was just to say "Hello!"

I actually work in a pub, so lots of close contact with the beautiful general public.

last night actually, while i was working behind the bar, a regular approached, and as i was closest i asked what i could get him...

"you served me last time. are you stalking me?!" (i could tell by the slightly fearful look in his eyes that he was serious)

to which i replied "yep, certainly am, they don't pay me here, i just hang around everyday waiting for you to walk in"

he swiftly moved away from the bar, i don't think he got the joke....


ooh and also the other day a guy came up asking about our salad dressing. I listed olive oil as one of the ingredients, and he asked what olive oil was made of.

I'm trying really hard to be professional and don't reply for a second while i fought back a giggle. this gives him the opportunity to hazard a tentative guess, "is it beef or something?"

the clue is in the name dude, the clue is in the name! i wish i could say that guy was joking, but i know him and he wasn't!

"In the time it takes a customer to find someone who works in the store and ask them, they could find it on their own. And I have my own gauge of a customer's right to ask the location of an item. It's directly dependant on the customer's age and the popularity of the item. If they're really old and looking for toothpaste, OK, if they're under 80 and ask me where the toothpaste is, there's no excuse. But if you're looking for nasal aspirators, no matter what age, I'll gladly help you because they don't take up an entire aisle."

Well, yes, I can see the point and the logic of this. It looks like a good basis for working on if you're a store employee.

But can I present a picture of how it looks frothe point of view of the consumer?
I don't know if it's the same in North America, but British supermarkets have a really annoying corporate habit, which is that every so often, they will completely change the shop layout and move things around seemingly at random.

As a customer, this allows time for you to build a mental map of where things are, so that you can go into the shop, walk around, pick up toilet roll, toothpaste, basic groceries, et c, without being diverted or sidelined, and you then leave the shop in the shortest possible time, with more or less those few essential groceries you intended to buy in the first place.

Now I can see the logic from the shop's point of view of moving things around and drastically altering the shop layout every three or four months. (And I do appreciate this is not the fault or the doing of the shelf-stackers, cashiers and wage-slaves working at entry level)

It causes disorientation and confusion among shoppers to find Pot Noodles where the washing powder used to be, or the cheese and diary where you expect to find fruit and veg. It keeps you in the store for longer; you are more likely to get sidelined and suckered into looking at the "special offers" and buying more than you intended to; it is in short a complete and total pain in the arse, as if the marketing scientists have set up a new maze for the customer lab-rats to negociate their way around.

In those circumstances, I think it's legitimate to ask members of the shop staff where things are, even though I'm an able-bodied reasonably intelligent male in his early forties, reduced to temporary "Duh!" stupidity by the revised shop layout and consequent inability to locate things...

I've a new line now on the cold calls from salespeople (unless its my boss of course) AS I've elected for the telephone preference service, (and as long as I ain't relaly busy at the time), I ask to speak to their manager, and explain how they shouldn't be claling a number on the telephon preference service list... The numbers have reduced dramatically, but I still get cold calls for 'Mr Smith' for some reaosn whoever he is

They keep trying to ask for "Miss Kerr Amanda" or "Miss Amanda" (where Amanda is my first name and Kerr part of my surname). My surname sounds nothing like a girl's name! Apparently although my name the correct way around is registered with that number with the TPS, the other way round isn't... or wasn't till they started doing it. I don't think much of that get around.

They do quickly get very concerned, at least I've found so, when you speak to the manager after recieving such a call and telling them you are unhappy that the company concerned (i.E., them) are breaking the law. I thought the TPS was ment to work by the phone number? not* the persons name? the difficulty comes however, when the caller isn't a cold call in teh 'real' sense; My bank a few months back changed my terms of contract with them; I now have all my details being sold by the bank to third partys'. who no doubt do 'cold' calling type things; only it won't be classified as cold calling; as by continueing to have a bank account, I'm agreeing by teh banks terms and conditions, which just happens* to include them slelling my phone number ETC., to third partys b*****s

I worked at my last supermarket for 5 years and in all that time things were only moved around once - when the entire shopping centre was getting a makeover. That was in my first year there and even though things had been in the exact same place for 4 years I still had at an average of 3 people a DAY ask me where the eggs were. They're not hidden, they're in an aisle with other baking type things. And it wasn't just me, it became a running joke.

Generally, in drug stores, especially chain ones evertything is more or less in the same place.

I try and find the item first before tracking down a sales clerk.

I do know that some of the monster stores that have been springing up, things aren't necessarily in the place they should be. For instance, paper plates. You would think either in the same aisle as the napkins and paper towels and picnic glasses. Possibly in the special aisle for picnic goods which includes everything from sun hats to matching glasswear (plastic) to barbeque starter to garden torches.... Perhaps in the party section where they have cards, grab-bag trinkets and the brithday candles....

Of course not! They were in the baking aisle between the flour and the spices.....

My friend was telling me about some woman who was in yesterday looking for a cream that came in a small tub.... She didn't know the name of the cream and she got mad at him because he didn't know the name of it. "I have been buying the same cream here for 5 years!"

If she had been buying it for 5 years, why did SHE not know the name of it????

My local Sainsbury’s supermarket in Bath is having a complete re-fit at the moment. I can't find a damn thing. Isles just disappear... not the products, but entire rows of shelving units vanish overnight!

The overhaul is supposed to make the place easier to shop in. I reality, they are just reducing the number of isles, and squashing the same number of products into less space.

For those of you in the UK, you might remember that Sainsbury’s had a reputation for not re-filling their shelves fast enough, and for forgetting to order things from the manufacturers. Are they just compensating by squashing stuff together so people won’t notice?

Sorry for the rant.