h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes it was a dare by one of his mates .

Apparently they wanted to see if I was that unflappable.

So, was it someone you know, then?

"Yes" said he "I bought these from you and they are no good to me. You should guarantee that book won't become obsolete if you won't let me exchange my books."

Sounds like the people who would buy a brand new CD from us, then return it because they didn't like it.

'You want to return this CD'.
'That's right'
'Is it faulty?'
'Yeah' *curled lip* 'It sucks'.
'Ah. We will happily exchange this CD for another copy of the same title if it won't play, but if you don't like the content, I suggest you take that up with the band. If you really want to unload it, we'll pay you $1 for it as a used item. Yes, I know you paid $17 for it. So did the hundred other people who have tried to bring it back or sell it to us'.

That scenario unfolded many times during the three or four weeks following the release of Eric Clapton's CD 'Reptile'. $1 soon descended to 25c

It was that bad, huh?
I can't believe people *do* that with CDs. (they're $30.00 here, which is probably $45+ US, I am not sure, so we choose *so* carefully!)

Nope. Just one of his mates told me the next day when he came in to get his petrol.

I am someone who was chatty, polite and friendly to all the customers who came in so I was more known than knowing the people there.

Also did have one guy who come in once and told me to stop being so damm American. I replied as far as I am aware there paid to say it, I am doing this because I want to. He never came back actully *lol*.

Just leaping out the backlog to say on the subject of funny stories regarding grandparents and assorted relatives from afar (in this case Ireland) I'll need to check the facts but remind me to come back with the story of time one of our member was seen jumping up and down on the coffin to make it fit in the grave...

Right.

*thinks if they try to do that to me I will jump out, throw them in and see how they like the noise *grin**

well I just sent off the e-mail requesting clarification on the finer point of detail to the Aunt in question ... I can reveal the incident did invovled more than one dead person.

Good God. Jumping up and down? What an interesting family yours is, Clive. I await all bated in the breath department.

We were very solemnly holding a post-funeral 'cold meats' lunch after my Grandmother's funeral, in a very nice pub nearby which had a room for functions. It was all going calmly and respectably until people started visiting the loo... Clearly the function suite was meant for rather jollier occassions as both the ladies and the gents had the most remarkable murals of Toulouse-Lautrec type naked dancing ladies and appreciative naked chaps. I'm afraid I got the giggles, but then, so did everyone else, and people who had not yet visisted the loos were treated to the sight of a dozen or so black-clad and slightly tear-stained persons spilling out into the car-park laughing hysterically.

*lmao*

My dears, just on the off-chance, I have my memorial service planned and have had for a number of years. Occasionally, I add or subtract a detail, as something strikes me. However, the general atmosphere will be one of humor. I would rather go out with people laughing than crying.

The song at the end, which everyone will be invited to sing along with is "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from "Life of Brian".

I also have planned that my entire CD collection will be wrapped individually in brown paper and everyone is to take an unknown CD home and they MUST listen to it.

The other thing I have decided is that I will be cremated and my ashes put in small containers. People going on trips will take me where they go and sprinkle me. That was, I can travel even after I am gone.

By the way, the "post-funeral 'cold meats' lunch " bit made me spit coffee on my keyboard....

Some people have heard this before, but my step-father's family is Zoroastrian. The Zoroastrians have a novel way of disposing of the dead. So, my "line" at parties is "My grandmother was eaten by vultures...." and it is perfectly true.

Throw is some random recorded comments yourself as well to be played.

Though I think shouting "you on the front row, your only here for the inheritance" could be pushing it a bit.

Having a motion-sensor hooked up to the coffin which turns on a recording of my voice....

-"Geez, ever heard of mouthwash?"
-Snoring
-mumbling something unintelligible

...or better yet, a really loud fart.....

Why not go the whole hog and put an electric motor and support bar that twists to open the coffin and then prop you up and turn you to face the crowd and have a recording hidden in your pocket.

Oh, Clive, I'd love to hear that story!

I'm working on it.
Instructions shall be sent out. the details will arrive in good time. Bear with me.

Flame... I think what I was going for was some hearty laughs.... not some heart attacks....

No worries, I can push a joke to far....

I've heard Clive's story - at least the version that made it across the Atlantic - and it's not to be missed!