h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Did you ever find out who your mother was? Or do you keep a picture of a test-tube by your bed?

Why yes actually as a genetically created superhuman who was designed to be an incredibly pretentious, arrogant Banana-whanging pizz-vlopper, Mom was rather cold. I can live with myself, I just can't live in a world with you. I must restate- please die.

I have to say that you're remarks were very hurtful, and I did actually consider killing myself.

Then I realised that by living I was making your life a misery, and thus I found reason to live.

So if I kill myself, will you promise to do the same?

*....gee I hope he goes for it....*

OK, I'm dead...

Your dead? I wondered why I woke this morning to find I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my heart. The sky seemed bluer, the birdsong sounded my beautiful, the air smelled cleaner, and there was less banana whanging altogether.

But then I realised you probably aren't dead, and despair filled my heart once more.

Perhaps the air smelled cleaner because the window was open adn th smells you make were wafted out as you fell out you bed this morning as you normally do.
E

You're still alive? Ha! A liar as well. You odious pool of chemical waste.

and you live in the wrong time zone!

Oh, and now that you seem sober enough to understand me- I used *cranium* earlier because I was sure that you would think *head* was a reference to your usual berth on a ship. Or else it would drive you into a sexual frenzy you gin-soaked, bestiality-addicted user of too many hyphens and adjectives!

*stuck* YER MAW!
E

Hey man! Don't you start talking about my adjectives! Otherwise I might have to get pre-raphaelite on your ass!

You're all a bunch of phallus craniums.

Very well, I will type v e r y s l o w l y so that you can understand (although your lips will still get very tired, I'm sure). The only adjective I will need is *ignorant* and the only noun is *buttranger*. This is of course ignoring your questionable heritage, mental deficiency, and revolting visage but I think you might get confused if I discussed more than one thing. Get your nan to explain it when she tucks you in if you can get her out of the pub.

wus

Don't think you can get away with a smiley you illiterate git. I know for a fact that people who use them exclusively have fathered sons who are their brothers (but later become a sister).

cl zoomer. The pioneer for the insest smiley, if only to easily explain his geneology.

Liam.

Drooling hairball! Get your hand out of your pants! (Captain Spankmunki indeed!) and clean up that trail of slime you left when you entered!