h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

but just what IS an imposter?

i mean arnt we all in our own ways imposters?

arnt i right not previewing my impost?

im a poster!!

If thou usernumber be not U183456 and yet ye be named 'nighthoover' thou art an impostor. Doest this confuseth?

Oh mighty hoovery one of the nigh let not teh confussers not yet let the confussing nor that the confussers or the dilusioners or the imposters or the les deringtails fear unto us the unhooverly of theine hooverlynessabilitiesies for no no no no no no no no no a thousand times no no no no no lettuce not imposter the foster or the confusser or the KiTKiTKiTKiT bird nere no more no no no no no no no n o n o ner no no no ner no more
lettuce not fail in the failing of the failed or the filing of the filed things that fail the filed things
no no no no no no no no no n o n o ner ner naa neh nere no more
hoovery hoover does is as hover hoover hoverry be's, and beas and waspss that sting yet carry no icecream be gast and pineapples
no no no n ooooooo nononono nonononononono non no no no non on o no no n on the osf osp osp osp sofa
dusty dusty adn dirty diry lee dunkers and sanddle wood and fo plastic flip flops
lettuce spry and spry again and again and again lettuce spry and fear the loes leapods and their podul appendatures
hardness and crinkle that that which that which crincle crinkle must be
lettuc spry and lettluce spry and KiTKiTKiT KiT KiTKiTKiT everymore
no hoover no night no no no no no no yes, maybe but no no nonono not no ever no imposseters
teh hoover is mightier than the pinepple, and the dust and the fo leather plastic flip flops and all their flip flopping flip flooping floping flip flipf flip flops n
lettuce mumble

what he up there said

indeed for as it is as it is then so it is as it is for it is as it can be which it is that it can be that it is lettuce spry and jump up and down on the spot and spin around relaly fast

And yea, it was said that the Dust Devil did cometh forth (or fifth) down the mountain, trailing no lead behind him for the great one did smile on him and equipeth him with the mighty batteries, but not so mighty that he could forego charging forever. And so it was, cometh he did, down the mountain in a zig zaggy way as the great one had told him to so that he would not go too fast and hit his stubby nozzle upon the rocks and end up with multiple contusions and a nasty sub dermal haematoma with abrasions forsooth. And a great wailing did rise up from the people who did see’eth the Dust Devil for this was the Evil One cast out by Halfords and would throughout history be forever known as a gimmick. Then the Dust Devil spake, because he was too Evil to speak. BEHOLD! Rumbled the Dust Devil in the sad little whiny whirring noise his fan made, and the people did shake, rattle and roll about in great fear and terror. The Dust Devil did then uppeth the mountain point, which was quite an achievement considering he haddeth nay fingers and this too did make the people fall down and mumble for forgiveness.
Down the mountain this THING swooshed, not in the ziggy zaggy fashion to avoid permanent imjury, but yea, in a straight line and going at quite a lick for it careth not for mortal injuries or broken bones or nosebleeds or vertigo or car sickness. And lo, it did swoosh up beside the Evil Dust Devil and float abput a bit, kicking up clouds of dust while making a right old racket.
Oh Evil one, whateth is this vile thing that makes a right racket and blows up so much Dust?
The evil spluttered a bit because all the dust was clogging up his cheap filter but the he did talketh in that deep Evil Barry White type of voice, but in a whiny whirring way. This my minions, is my latest weapon, it will visit upon you great winds of dust that will fester and choke and lay on your DFS sofa’s and Televisions and stuff and you will never be free of my curse! The people did wail and there came a great gnashing of teeth and tearing out of hair..
But we will be freed! They wailed. “Nighthoover O He of the Hooveryness and clean spaces , where for art thou? (Lettuce Braise him)

“It is too late, spawn of a Pumpkin Patch Doll! Sneared the Evil Dust Devil. Meet the Anti Hoover – my Hoovercraft!!!!
“But he’s wearing a skirt!” shouted little boy who had plainly read the Emperors new clothes
“Yes – he may well be, but see the clouds of dust it doth blow about in a random way so as to soil you and your clothes and your teeth and your bathrooms and fridges! The your Precious NightHoover (Dust Devil rolls eyes for comic effect) – where for art he? My Hoovercraft doth BLOW and all NightHoover can do is SUCK – and I know what I prefer boys and girls – a good blow over a suck any day!!

“Nooooooo!” Shrieked the people. “We cant take being blown all the time” We need the kind of sucking only Nighthoover (Lettuce Warship) can give us! Lettuce Spray!!

Our Hoover, who art from Argos,
”Henry” be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy suckage will be done,
on carpet as it is in kitchen
Give us this dust our daily crud
And forgive us our messiness,
as we forgive those who mess against us.
And lead us not into Halfords,
but deliver us from Dust Devil.
For thine is the kingdom,
the sucking and the cleaning,
for ever and ever.
Amen
Hellojulia!! Hellojulia!!

*holds aloft the mighty moustache of hasslehoff lettuce spry, wise words indeed lettuce spry
*jumps up and down eagerly holding the moustache* lettuce jump up and down also in the ritual of our dust smiting dust smitness
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KiTKiTKiTKitKitKitKitKitKitKit KitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitKitKiTKiTKitv
BoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoB
lettuce spry some more Oh might BoB teh lord of teh hoovery one who sucket so mucheth our dusteth lettuce rejoiceth in your suckability and your suckibleitylike son the mighty hooverer of the night Lettuce rejoice in the dust ridding and the dust bunny vanquishing and the eatin og the ritious pub closing kebabary and lettuce not forget the beer also for the beer also is also so good and highthovery and nighthooverly and BoBible and good yea, ghrily so lettuce drinketh the beer and eateth the kebab and then lettuce remoeth the dust in the way t that the one true son of the one true BoB demonstrated to us - in our suckible hooverness lettuce spry
BoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoBBoBopBoBoBoBoB

Oh, blast and shiver the timbers of that kitkit bird for it hast stretched the page past yon horizon yet again.

Then as directed by the hand that holdeth the hoover we must post and post and post again until the birdy stretchyness be relenquished, like the dust under the sofa or the filth that does lurk on top of teh doorfrmaes and peer down laughing at our nighthooverability until we distroy it with the hand that holds the hoover
For the hand that holds the hoover holds the hoover and in holding the hoover the hand which holds the hoover thereby holds the hoover and the hoover holds the power and the dust and the hooverly one holds the hoovery hoover holding hand and guideth us to the dust and the dank dark dirt and we render the dank dank free, and the dust dust free and the dust bunnies do crawl away screamin in our wake
lettuce post and jump on teh spot until we fall over
boing>

No!

I don't wanna!

Yes, you do... you just don't know it yet
In each post in this, the most hoovery of threads, and with each post in this, the most hovery of treads, the hooveryness grows, and we pay reverence to the hoovery one and all the hoovery things that the hovoery one stands for, sits for, lays down for, mumbles about and screams about, and then, and only then we can eat teh cheese sandwich of doom

err... as an asides... does anyone actually know what the cheese sandwich of doom actually is?

Edamnation?

Oh yes.
Oh lord of the hoovery ways protect us from eternal and infernal edamnation and lead us not into cheddary but deliver us from brie, this is the stilton and the red leister, for ever and ever double gloster

lettuce not stray into edamnation and have to spend an eternity in cheddery mozarella melting fires

a man

A plan...

PANAMA!

Oops... forgot the canal!