h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just mentioning famous photos in another forum, and thought of both Queen Elizabeths cornonation, and The Ascent of Everest.

The mountain was conquered a few days before the coronation, but the news was held back so it could be announced on this patriotic day. The front page of the TImes ran photgraphs of the young Queen being crowned, and ran the headline "ALL THIS - AND EVEREST TOO".

I'm neither a patriot, nor a monarchist, but just the thought of orchestrating this front page has got the tears spilling accross my keyboard as i type. I find it incredibly moving just to think of it, for my money one of the greatest front pages.

What's yours?

Well, for sheer balls and style the two I thought of were:

"STICK IT UP YOUR JUNTA!"

and

"GOTCHA!"

Both from the Sun (the British tabloid with the largest circulation in the 80's) I did not subscribe to either sentiment then, and I don't now. But they were brilliant headlines.

My favourite from our local paper is:

"INJURED OWL DIES"

the cynic formerly known as Ben

The purpose of a headline must surely be to catch the eye of the potential reader. Junta and Gotcha certainly work on that basis. So my favourite (best?) has to be:-

HITLER FOUND LIVING ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE MOON.

From the Sunday Sport. UK newspaper (sic) which I think lasted only for a short period of time. (In fact all you have to do to get your publication recognised as a newspaper is to register it as such with the Post Office I believe). The Sunday Sport's main contribution to journalism was exhaustive coverage of naked women with enormous breasts. Oh and stories about cabbages eating doberman dogs. And a lot of scare stories about Necrotising Facyitis (flesh rot).

PP

(This may be my worst post of all time - and that is saying something).

From yesterday's Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung (pretty much like "The Times"), a headline spanning a the whole width of the page:

"The times in which not being dead is a reproach"


Tube

I'm not sure it's exactly a headline, but when an Australian newspaper (the Sporting Times) printed an obituary to Enlglish cricket in 1882, it certainly had long-lasting effects.

Returning to the Sun, there was their declaration when Tony Blair swept to victory in the general election that "IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT!"

Tube, er, how good is your German? I, ah, er, well, um, well was just wondering, um, if, er, well actually, er, oh forget it.

PP

What about the clever but tasteless headline the Daily Sport (I think) used after the murder of Versache

SHOOT YOU, SIR

I've got a whole bookful. They make me laugh so much I can only read them on the loo. They are absolutely genuine, from the American and British press in the 60s and 70s.

Some of my favourites

"Chinese Apeman Dated"
"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
"Asbestos Suit Pressed"
"Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit"
"Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan"
"Half Million Italian Women Seen on Pill"
"S. Florida Illegal Aliens Cut in Half by New Law"
"Traffic Dead Rise Slowly"
"Town to Drop School Bus when Overpass is Ready"
"Kissinger Allegedly Forges Mideast Pact"
"Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"
"Drunk gets Nine Months in Violin Case"
"Farmer Bill Dies in House"
"New Housing for Elderly Not yet Dead"
"Queen Mary having Bottom Scraped"
"Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors"
"Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over"

and so it goes on. Most of them proving that brevity often leads to hilarity, and that more words in our language have two meanings than one would at first assume.

My German, PP? Uh, hmmm... well, like, how should I put it...? I'm like, y'know a whaddaya call it... "native speaker".

All apparently genuine, I found these from another site

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with axe
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

The two I remember particularly are from the Sun "UP YOURS DELORS" - objecting to us joining the EU and being told what to do by 'foreigners'.

And from the Star newspaper "FREDDIE STARR ATE MY HAMSTER"

Arrgh - found the thread 10 minutes to late to post the Freddie Starr one.

For the pleasure(?) of Mr PP I can confirm that the Sunday and Daily Sport are still going strong (bit too strong for many). One of their better headlines was,

'Giant Brussels Sprout ate my brother!'

Honestly. They do that kind of stuff all the time - I just can't remember any others at the moment.

There was a brilliant documentary about the Sport about a year back where they filmed a reporter and photographer visiting a lady who claimed her son had been turned into a fish finger by a UFO.

No, I don't buy it.

I thought of the "UP YOURS DELORS!" one since I last posted. Beaten to it, though.

I think it was the Sun that once ran a story about Maggie Thatcher getting an electric shock with the headline "The Ion Lady" and also with a footnote explaining the pun.

Maybe not the best, but one of the most gleeful, from every single paper in England:

"Lying Archer Jailed"

I don't buy the Sunday Sport either, but I was given 'The Best of Sunday Sport' a while back, which includes such wonders of the journalistic art as:

DUSTMAN QUITS AFTER ALIEN IN BIN HORROR
2-FACED WOMAN SMOKES 140 A DAY
BUDDY HOLLY FOUND ALIVE... AS PEGGY SUE
VIRGIN MARY BUILT OUR SHED (a "DIY miracle shocker", apparently)
TOT LIVES 4 YEARS ON SINGLE BAKED BEAN

Bit naughty this one - 'Zip me up before you go-go' when George Michael was arrested for his activities in a park !

Hitler was a woman
does it for me

the sport again im afraid.

I liked the Headline in the Sun last year after Celtic got beaten by Inverness Calledonian Thistle:

SUPER CALLIE GO BALLISTIC, CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS

<laugh<

All together now!

Dum diddle liddle liddle dum diddle eye

Tube. Sorry to persue you over this but that headline is totally unfathomable. Even if you are a native German speaker could you, well, er, um,......no I can't be bothered. What does it mean? It makes less sense than the Sunday Sport ones which obviously win hands down.

PP

Ok ok ok. Fine.
The article was not about current affairs but has got a sub-headline that translates as: "Histrory with prophetic background noise: The 100th Birthday of the historian Hermann Heimpel".
What does it mean? I dunno. The question is what the best-ever headline was; I just happened to like this one.

Some more from the same rag:

WHO DIES, FAILED (on a series of lectures on religion)
HE WHO CAN SWIM, DIES A SLOW DEATH
ONCE UPON A FUTURE
HOLD ME, PUSH ME AWAY, I FOLLOW YOU
STAY WHERE YOU ARE, DEAR LORD JESUS

And, yes, they are ... hey, that's why I collected them

Tube
Collector of unfathomable headlines