h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I know it's probabily some people trying to flog a few books, but neither-the-less, it's still an interesting find:

http://www.civil-liberties.com/books/colony.html

Do we?

*Grabs a big Union Jack, a pith helmet, some fake stick-on lambchop sideburns and looks up the number for British Airways*

Yes, but does Britain *want America?

Think about the tax backlog...

I just knew some cheery Brit was going to make me simulpost.

Once we've got them all drinking tea with milk in it and following proper football and putting all the 'u's back into color and flavor and favorite, it'll be fine

Now, we're going to need a lot of red coats and a really big boat

It does now!

=================================

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary").

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English."

We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.

It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.

The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults.

If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned.

They are cr@p and this is for your own good.

When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon.

Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips.

Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps."

Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.


9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.

Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."

American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football."

There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer."

Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball.

It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America.

Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

That's the funniest thing I've read in ages!

for that well needed tonic six7s

Emmily

"Now, we're going to need a lot of red coats and a really big boat"

===NEWSFLASH===

Butlins' staff in a pedalo declare war on the US!

Has been around for a surprisingly long time this. Occasionally attributed to John Cleese (inaccurately).

Also funny is the reply:

------------------------

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always, we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. We hate to ruin your tea-party here, but the sun has, in fact, set on the British Empire! Cheerio!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.


To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:


Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the ORIGINAL spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
Review your basic arithmetic. If you're going to make up an arbitrary statistic, use the same number consistently. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and, 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
You want English actors cast as good guys? How about Stephen Fry playing Oscar Wilde in "Wilde"? How about Rupert Everett in "The Next Best Thing"? Oh, you want English actors cast as STRAIGHT good guys!
Ahem. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Britannia ditty. It's toe- tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" yet again for you guys.
Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
Learn how to cook. For your own sake if nobody else's. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. If the French can figure it out, you should be able to.
You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing; it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies. Ground- based wiring? What the Fuck???
We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. Regarding World War II: You're Welcome.

Bad Australian soap operas? I only know of one, Home and Away. Neighbours is good.

"Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue."

Actually, when I was in Canada I mentioned this to a Canadian who said she didn't hear American accents (ie. because they were the same).

Food - Yorkshire puddings (Sunday roast, hello?) , trifle, crumpets, etc etc.

Rule Britannia - we agree. But The Star-Spangled Banner is not exactly song of the year either.

We have a reason for driving on the left hand side of the road, which I would be only to pleased to expalin if you like. The important question is why do you drive on the right?

Regarding World War 2 - you're welcome too.

Here are a couple of notes... By and large we put catsup on our fries generally. (Tomato Catsup is the number one condiment in the states followed by salsa).

But our national anthem is nothing to brag about... it's impossible to sing unless you have a three octave range and it's a run on question. (Oh, and I believe the tune comes from a British composition.)

Is catsup the same as ketchup?

Yea... just more expensive.

Post 11 was clearly not written by an American, as it is addressed:

>> To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland <<

- a concept no American understands.

RF

It even has a snopes entry (with history and many different versions).

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

Do people really confuse British and Australian accents?

No. You're making the obvious, beginner's mistake of confusing "Americans" with "people".

RF

~~~~~~~ ::raspberry sound::