h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes Comerade, it looks like Mycroft has just upped the 'ant'e...

That gets me 'steamed' up

So I was reading the newsletter of the Society Against Use of Animals As Weapons Of War (SAUAWW) and I read this short segment "...The prawn's had been crossed with elephants to give them giant feet...The destruction caused has endangered the livelihoods of at least 200 people". Is this experiment right or wrong in your opinion, please use a percentage.

It seems you have forgotten about the computer eating ants. Imagine if somebody send them to Silicon Valley, the damage they could do. Let´s hope they don´t fall into the wrong hands. Or the CD-ROM eating fungus.

It's barely worth calling an experiment: it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's a small step from jumbo prawns to prawn jumbos.

100% wrong. It's Bad Science through and through.

I'm currently watching a terrifying documentary by that noted thinker Irwin Allen about the dangers of training insects to do our bidding. It's called 'The Swarm'.

I'm just thankful these insects haven't learned to harness Heavy Electricity. They'd be unstoppable.

A wasp you may be intersted to know nearly took out my entire family when it flew in though my car window, everyone panicked and started flailing around (not a good idea at 40 MPH) after a drastic stop the car was evacuated and the doors opened until the little bugger flew off. It was just a fluke I didn't crash. Training the little buggers as assassins would be lethal (duh). Perhaps it's already been done and I was being experimented on, although I didn't actually check to see if had a little camera and guidance device on a little back pack strapped to it. It may well have done.

Kill em all on sight I think

This is yet more evidence of the sickening lack of respect for human life that the present establishment has, my sympathy goes out to all who are suffering from these experiments.

As we are all aware heavy electricity has spread from sri Lanka on modified wasps and is dangerously close to these shores. I urge all to take action.

Ahem!



*sits down on a convenient sandwich to listen to the rest of this fascinating conversation*

Don't look directly at it *indicates in Amy's direction* but I think there's a spy in our midst. Just carry on as normal!





Hmm, what a glorious day, I'm glad I've not uncovered any horrific campaigns to take over the world using hybrid prawns and armies of computer-destroying ants...

Are we safe yet? BMMT you run interference and I'll try to get to the bottom of this.

*walks over to the mantlepiece*
Would you look at this bronze head? Amazing.

*speaking in over-exaggerated loud voice*

YES COMRADE, MMM, SHINY. I'M JUST GOING... OVER HERE FOR A BIT.

While we have a chance, lets get some facts out :
1) Insect brainwashing does happen
2) Hornets are circling round your house now. Really.
3) GM insects are very dangerous
4) Mammals are next for brainwashing
5) Then Humans
We must act quickly before that government agent returns.

What do you suggest? I have already locked my family in the attic (for their own protection, you understand) and have sealed all gaps to the outside with a very fine mesh to keep out the ants and wasps and prawns. I also roam the house weilding a steam gun, that has now arrived. This way I can defend my property and keep it clean at the same time.

You have started on the right tracks there, but there are a lot more things that you need to cover :
1) Strengthen your roof beams to keep out marauding ele-ants (a bizzare elephant-ant hybrid with huge feet)
2) Set up CCTV cameras to monitor the comings-and-goings of the agent who is "training" the insects. This footage should be run to the attic also.
3) Monitor the attic to check your family haven't changed into insects
4) Trust No-one
5) Brick up all your doors and windows
6) Close off any air-vents that wasps can enter by.
7) Seal yourself in your garage using hermetic sealing
8) Wait for it to begin.

What about the trees? Yes, they're slow but so methodical and calculating...

Are the guys, dressed all in white with curtain netting wrapped around their hats and faces, involved?

Only you only ever see them around Bee hives, and are they related to Cricketers, should we be wary of them too?

The beekeepers (the ones clad in white) are the chief conspirators who train all the insects in a giant "hive" (derived from the greek for "evil conspiracy place"). In contrast the cricketers are a sort of defence force their key role being to swipe the evil wasps and airborne insects away from the citizens. They are often twins of beekeepers, being the good half of the pair.

As to trees they are in fact used as secret agents, while posing no immediate threat to the normal citizen they should be treated with suspicion.

Tell me wise one, are there any particular trees to be wary of? And is the Cricketer/Bee keeper thing a yin yang thing and what's that ant doing sitting there listening to us?

Your respect does you credit.

Most trees have some form of psychic transmitting equipment except for the weeping willow, the hanging down leaves of this plant contain a venom and are often used in conjunction with other plants, particularly reeds, which have listening powers. They will kill their victim who will then be replaced by a swarm of insects. Another tree to watch is the larch, I believe these to have some limited mind control facilities.

Once upon a time the Beekeeper and the Cricketer were together in their fight against the evil "illuminati" who are attempting to control the world with their insects. Unfortunately the power that the beekeeper had went to his head and he became a co-conspirator, donning his disctinctive head-mask to cover his disfigured face. Ever since then the two have been pitted in a galactic struggle.

The ant may be one of them, or a refugee from the evil empire. Only time will tell.