h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Rant Alert!

Who is the genius who decided that telephone solicitors should begin their calls with "How are you today?" followed by some cheerful banter? Do these people have any idea how annoying this is? Do they honestly think that I will be so charmed by this bovine manure that I'll be more likely to buy something from them?

Well, Josh from XYZ Promotions, or whatever your real name is, you had three strikes against you when you called me this afternoon. First, I had already asked someone from your company to take me off of their contact list. Second, your terribly clever remark about me being the finest librarian from the great state of confusion managed to step on the last nerve I had. What an incredibly stupid remark. I bet you thought it was witty and endearing, didn't you? And third, you were the seventh unsolicited sales call I had had in three hours - all while I was trying to work on a statistical report.

Do you guys have any idea how many of your stupid, unwanted calls I have to field in the course of a year? And every one of them start off asking me how I am. Make the potential customer answer a question, right? Puts you in control of the situation. Wrong, jerk. I'm the one with the money. I'm in charge here.

If you are going to have any chance at all of selling me something then you need to get to the point. Don't waste my time with idle chit chat. You don't care how I am, and I sure as hell don't care how you are or how the weather is in Fort Worth. When I want or need something, I know how to find it. I seldom buy anything over the telephone except through long established accounts. And I never buy from jerks.

When I said I wasn't interested and hung up the phone, I was saving both of us time. So why did you phone right back and ask me if that is how I do business? The thing is Josh, I don't do business with people like you at all. Ever.

As for that letter I wrote after your third call - the one where you screamed at my circ supervisor - and sent to your company headquarters with a cc to the Attorney General's Office complaining that you were violating the No Call statutes, well I'm sure you can come up with something witty and disarming to say in your defense. Do those fines come out of the corporate till or your paycheck?

Have a nice day, Josh.

The really persistent callers who refuse to take a polite refusal, and demand to speak to your boss are infuriating. I had the opposite experience today, with a woman who accepted that I'd no business for her so good humouredly and readily that I felt guilty I had no business for her!

For the others - learn some Swahili Hyp, works a treat.

Some days I have more patience than other days. Today I had none at all.

Swahili? There's an idea worth exploring. Thanks.

What I hate is when they call me "dear" or "sweetie". It's bad enough that they are calling me, they don't need to intimate that we have a relationship of any kind, especially not a romantic one.

I read somewhere on hootoo that upon receiving a marketing call the callee just keeps repeatedly stating to the caller that they don't speak English. In English. I wish I could do that without bursting out laughing.

Wow, that's a trip. I couldn't keep a straight face, myself.

Discover Card managed to find my work number, and kept harassing me about taking their card. I called them asking them to take me off their list, and the lady sounded quite hurt about it. Then I get another call a couple of days later as to *why* I wanted off their list. I told them I didn't like the way Discover Card did business. Ooh, that really hurt their feelings.

The icing on the cake was the junk mail I got from them last week telling me that I had applied to be registered with DiscoverCard Network, and if I wanted to change my preferences I was welcome to anytime by getting on their website. ARGGHGHHH!

Just makes me want to do something mean.

When they start with 'Hi! How ya doin?', I have made it a habit to ask 'Who wants to know?'...and before they even start their pitch (they get flustered at that and tap-dance a couple seconds) I say that I don't do business over the phone. When they persist, I ask where they acquired my number. No straight answer, and it's goodbye.

Then, a deep breath.

WOW, and i like "bovine manure " too

How to deal with this sort of phone call, is to tell them "and as a fully paid up member of the NRA you have all the licences to go with your firearm's, also my theripest say's "be nice to others" when asking them to "F.......err go away" and now how can i help you, tinker?


this allways works for me

RJR

oooh sorrry

and then ask them if there selling ammo

i forgot tha bit of the sentance

I thought this conversation would have something to do with lawyers

Most annoying Hyp.

At the moment, we seem to get calls wanting to sell us kitchens, windows and conservatories (in which case we rent and our landlord lives in China) or mortgages and loans (in which case I ask them if having just filed bankruptcy makes a difference)

My pet peeve is that they can never pronounce our name correctly. And there are only four letters in our surname. It does not take a genius to work out!

One thing that works for me is when I say that we have a policy of never buying anything over the phone and inviting them to post us the details.

In England we have these cute call centres that are in Delhi or Calcutta or Islamabad or Timbuctoo nowadays. This poses several additional problems:

1. You can't call them back and rant because they come up as no caller ID
2. You can't call the phone company and have the calls barred because they are overseas
3. You can sign up to the No Soliciting Calls but that doesn't work because ... they are overseas and the jurisdiction is UK only.

I shall remember to respond in Arabic in future - and will let you know if that works as well as Swahili!

W

The magic words for UK residents to remember are 'Telephone Preference Service': http://www.tpsonline.org.uk/tps/ . Scares the ers off a treat, I find.

Ha! So that's what it is called... There's another one for junk mail as well.. Only it doesn't work for the overseas jobbies (pun intended ) though - that is the problem...
W

I simply screen my calls now. My friends know this and that I'll pick up if I recognize their voice, unless I'm eating, feeding the cats, or my hands are wet, or... don't want to be interrupted. New clients will always get a callback. But I get about a dozen messages a day where no message is left.

What I hate is the fact that the automated sales centers are using computers to dial out. You can always tell because of the two second silence when you pick up, during which time I always hang up. If you linger, the computer has time to feed back to a sales person.

Yeah, screening is probably the cleanest option.

Screening calls is easier at home than in the library. My staff is too small to have someone to field nuisance calls for me. What infuriates me is that I have always been very careful to whom I give my office number, which is unpublished. Most calls are supposed to go to the published library number which is answered by circ staff. But somehow I am getting all of these calls on my office line. So someone I gave it to has sold it. I am very annoyed.

I make use of my caller ID. I simply don't answer any calls that present themselves as unknown caller. I recognize the numbers of all my friends and family so those are the ones I answer. If I had clients, as some of you do, I couldn't employ those tactics. Glad I don't have clients.

Oh, and Hyp, I know a lady who blows a referee's whistle into the phone at annoying telemarketers.

I hate those sort of calls. I think I could probably manage the 'I'm sorry I don't speak English' thing without laughing. I could do it in my best cut-glass upper class accent. Maybe 'I'm terribly sorry, but I don't speak a word of English, dash it!' Heh heh heh. Must try it at some point...

The library is a tax supported public institution. I can't blow whistles in people's ears - more's the pity. We have to actually take people's calls.

I have my very polite little script. I say at once 'Who's calling, please?' and if it's no one I know, or if it's some kind of businessy thing and (and this is crucial) I wasn't expecting a call from them, I say 'I'm afraid I don't accept unsolicited calls,' and put the phone straight down. I am quite happy to repeat this ad nauseam. I did it four times one afternoon to a mobile phone company calling from abroad (and therefore not shut-up-able by pointing out I was signed up with telephone preference). I have no idea if they got cross about it, because I put the phone down. They can be as cross as they like, I won't know. Not my problem.