h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Very good WR



Bassman

Hello chaps...if you like jokes, here's one of John's favourites...

A frog goes to the doctor's feeling rather sorry for himself and is told by the doctor that he has gonorrhoea.

"What can I do about that then?" says the frog.

"You'll have to go and see the Wizard of Oz." replies the doctor.

"Okay!" says the frog, and off he goes...

A minute later, a rabbit comes into the doctor's surgery and his ears are all bent up.

"What can I do with my bent up ears?" asks the rabbit.

"Oh!" says the doctor, "You'll have to go and see the Wizard of Oz."

"Fine!" says the rabbit. "How do I get there?"

"Well," replies the doctor, "just follow the yellow-pr****d toad!"

David Beckham is doing a jigsaw, a picture of a chicken.

He just can't manage any of it, so calls on Victoria for some help.

"I can't find any of the straight bits or the corners" he moans,

I just can't do any of it.

Victoria says sympathetically,

"David, when you've finished, put the corn flakes back in the box"



Bassman

A blonde decides to do something really daring and rent her first blue movie. She sneaks into the shop, quickly grabs something with a promising title and takes it home. After a nice bath, she lights some candles to create an atmoshere and pops the cassette into the vcr. Nothing but snow and hissing. She tries again after fast forwarding - same result. Disgusted, she telephones the rental shop.

Blonde: I've just rented a movie from you and there's nothing but noise and snow on it!
Clerk: I'm terribly sorry, ma'm! We do sometimes have dud tapes - please let us deliver a replacement to you immediately! What is the title?
Blonde: One second, I'll just get it ... it's called Head Cleaner!

ROFL

Two drunks in a bar notice a spittoon on the floor which is brim full of spit.

The first drunk says to the second, "Hey! I bet you ten pounds that you wouldn't drink from that spittoon..." thinking his friend would decline.

"Okay." says the second drunk and promptly picks up the spittoon and begins to drink.

The first drunk is absolutely disgusted and pleads with his friend to stop but the second drunk continues drinking until the spittoon is dry.

"Why, oh why wouldn't you stop drinking?" said the first drunk.... "I begged you to stop!"

"I couldn't stop," replied the second drunk ....... "it was all in one lump!"

Drunk in bar: 'Eksshewsme barman, but do yore lemmins haf fevvers?'
Barman: 'No sir, my lemons do not have feathers!'
Drunk in bar: 'Den I'm tellibly sorry, I must'ave skweezed yore canary into my gin!'

***
Drunk man leaves a bar after a dozen beers. He walks up to a lampost and undoes his zip.
Policeman: 'I'm sorry sir, but I can't let you stand here and do that!'
Drunk: 'Don't warry, ossifer, I'm not gonna do it over here.'
'I'm gonna do it over the-e-r-e!'
***
Speedy Gonzales is notorious as the fastest seducer of women.
'Don't worry, this won't hurt now - did it?'
***
Texas is the place where the girls talk s-o-o-o slow, that by the time they've finished telling you that they really aren't that sorta girl, they are!

A man goes for an interview for a job on the railways and is quizzed thoroughly by his potential employers as to how he would react in an emergency.

"Now," says the railway interviewer, "what would you do if a train was coming in one direction and another was coming from the other direction, on the same piece of track?"

"Easy!" replies the man..."I'd set the signal to red, then the trains would stop."

"Ah!" says the interviewer, "But the signals aren't working."

"Well then," says the man, "I'd pull the lever and switch the points to another track so the trains would miss each other."

"Okay!" says the interviewer, "You pull the lever and the switch is frozen. What do you do now?"

"Well," says the man, "I'd run down the track and switch the points manually."

"Right." says the interviewer, "You get to the points and they're rusted solid and won't move..."

"Alright," perseveres the man, "I'd run back to the signal box, get the red flag out, run up the track a little way and flag the on-coming train to a stop."

"Ye-es..." says the interviewer, thoughtfully. "You run back to the signal box, only to find it's on fire and you can't get in..."

Well, the man thinks for a moment and then responds, "In that case, I'd run down the road and fetch my Uncle Archie..."

"Why on Earth would you do that?" asks the interviewer.

"Well," says the man, "he's never seen a train crash!!!"

A true story. South Africans are known for their dealing with tragedy by using humour.
Some years ago, a SA Airways 747 went down in the Indian Ocean after a fire on board with all souls lost. The next day, a man checking in for his own flight was asked by the check-in assistant: 'Where would you like to sit, sir?'
He replied: 'In the shallow end, please!'
***

What happened to said chap? Did he get lynched?

Not at all - we actually laugh at ones like that!
Hansie Cronjé (the ex-SA cricket captain life-banned for taking money from Indian bookmakers) died recently in a plane crash. The joke goes:
Hansie left instructions in his will that he wanted to be cremated. The family, however, can't find one of his old team-mates that's prepared to throw the match!
....
Mummy, Mummy, Daddy's going out again!
OK, dear, pour some more petrol on him then!
.....

Those sound similar to the 'sick' jokes one hears in the UK, usually related to some disaster/misfortune or other...

Some people just can't take a joke...

Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?
No, you'll have to flush it like everybody else.

Just passing by...

An Afrikaans friend made a classic faux pas once - on a date with a girl who only spoke English he said: 'There's nothing like a bowel full of hot soup to keep the winter cold away'.

Bassman

*Waves to Line Walker*

Bowls reminds me of bowls of flowers...and so on to the flowers that my better half bought me as a gift during a stay in hospital to place on my bedside table.

The blighter actually bought me two 1lb bags of flour, complete with a get well card! Many of the hospital staff wanted to know why I had bags of flour on my bedside table and my reply was that they were the get well flours my husband had bought me.

Some s were actually with John but others, in particular the s thought it was hilarious!

Here's another joke...

A man is sitting in a bar, on the corner a bar stool, looking very sorry for himself. His friend walks in and asks him what the matter is....

"Oh," says the man, "I've got these awful piles and they're very, very painful."

"Oh," replies his friend, "I know a cure for piles........ What you have to do is go home tonight and before you go to bed, make a big pot of tea, drink the tea and then get the hot tea leaves from the tea pot and pack them around your piles when you go to bed."

"Oh, thanks!" says the man. "I'll try it tonight."

So that night, he goes home, makes a big pot of tea, drinks it and packs the tea leaves from the tea pot around his piles when he goes to bed.

The next day, he's back on the corner of his bar stool, looking just as sorry for himself as he was the day before, when in comes his friend again.

"Hello." says the friend. "How did you get on with the tea leaves?"

"I tried them," replies the man, "but this morning, they are just as painful as before."

"Well," says the friend, "you'd better go and see the doctor and see if he can do anything."

So the man goes down to the doctor's and tells him about his awful piles. "Well, take your trousers down," says the doctor "and bend over so I can have a look.."

The man dutifully drops his trousers and bends over and the doctor crouches down behind him and examines him thoroughly.

"Oh! These are bad piles!" says the doctor. "There's not much I can do with them I'm afraid, but I'll tell you something....."

"What's that?" asks the man.

"Well," says the doctor, "you're going on a very long journey........."

A Cannibal goes on holiday, on his return he has no arms or legs. His mate says,

"What on earth happened to you?"

The cannibal replies....

"I went self catering"



Bassman

Do you suppose he was finger licking good?

*Slips into thick girlie mode*

How did he return home if he didn't have any arms or legs then?

"In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.

"Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

*Unused brain fails to compute*




A man suffering from penile dysfunction goes to a Urologist for help.
Urologist: 'What you need is a transplant.'
Paitent: 'I wouldn't think you'd find a donor!'
Urologist: 'Well, to be truthful, we implant two spring onions instead - tests have found that the results are impressive!'

The operation proceeds and the patient returns for his six month follow-up.
Urologist: 'How have you found the operation?'
Patient: 'Absolutely marvellous! Every day! Twice a day! Three time in one night! Nothing like this has ever happened to me before!
Urologist: 'Have you had any side effects?'
Patient: 'Only one. You Know that feeling when you see an attractive woman with a fabulous figure, firm breasts hardly covered by a tanktop, a tight bum in hot-pants...?'
Urologist: 'YES???'


Patient: 'Well, I get that feeling every time I see a hamburger!??'

Bassman