h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pensioners never cause any fuss
When we race around it is in a bus.

A rhyme we have in my family:

"A la salade, je suis malade,
Au céléri, je suis guéri."


Loosely translated :

Eating salad, I'm feeling bad,
With celery, I'll be healthy.

Have bus pass will travel
Far better 'n' tramping gravel
Metal seat a real treat
No rancid sponge can compete
Shopping centre nice 'n' warm
Where totty in tight pants swarm
Me I'm in no hurry to go home
The place is cold even for me gnome
I can while away many an hour
Sitting here in a warm glass tower
Comfy seats 'n' thousands of feet
Some biddy offered me!a sweet
So I you ring my bell 'n' I'm out
It dont matter how loud you shout
I'm sitting here watching skirt go by
All for gratis you should try.

I went to the cinema to go and watch Star Trek.
And watch the story unfurled about the early years of the Enterprise crew.
As they faced the many trails and dangers in their interstellar debut.
I watched the officers on the main deck,
facing a mortal enemy, the Romulans;
who are related to the Vulcan clans.
Kidnapping Captain Pike and attacking the Enterprise.
With Spock as acting Captain, who with typical logic characterise;
a hallmark of the philosophy of the Vulcan people.
Watched in horror with the crew as a ripple,
turned into a black hole that destroyed the planet,
of Vulcan as it acted like a magnet.
Swallowed all the planet into a black hole,
As Spock who lost all emotional control;
seeing his mother killed infront of him.
Which meant that the new Captain was to be Jim.
And what he had to do was very grim.
Freeing Captain Pike and destroying the Romulans spaceship,
and weapon that meant they could take the roundtrip.
And come back to the Terran homeworld to be be congratulated.
With a formal command for James T Kirk which made him greatly elated.

Hey leader, strike up the band!

Swords are sharp words:
Words like sharp swords;
If you get my point.
Arise Sir Knight;
I now you appoint.
Was that too blunt?
Should I with oilier words anoint?
One so worthy?
Or with words more earthy?
For sweeter words I hunt.
Bitter words I now dispel.
Sir, I wish you well.

There are people running round in agony
Their heads in their hands, screaming:
"Oh,no -not another Star Trek!
Oh no, not another Star Trek!
You must be kidding us! You must be KIDDing us.........pleASE!........."


'Scuse me, must dash...............................

In my choice of films, a factor
Is: have they my favorite actor?
The cast of "Star Trek" made me grin:
As Chekhov, they've Anton Yelchin,
My fave teen actor (salutation!),
Also in "Terminator Salvation."

I want to jump up,
when I win the cup.
I want to learn to play the guitar,
and drive in my car to Myanmar.

When I jump up,
to the horizontal bar.
Practising gymnastics,
and acrobatics.
Which was the result of
cybernetics and genetics.

Then relax and go to the bar,
in my car for a few jars.
Then shop at the local spars,
to buy a bottle of coal tar.

When I grow up,
I'll eat the very best steak rump.
Along with the most expensive red wine,
when I dine near the River Tyne.

When I jump up,
I want to go close up;
to a champagne cup.
Then sup on from a golden cup,
saying yup to my pet pup.

Tick tock tick tock
Nobody can beat the clock
In out in out
Breath's what lifes about
Thump thump,thump thump
Yes your hearts just a lump
Eyes open eyes see
Eyes open forever,history.

History is written by winners.
Religion is written by sinners.
My finances vex,
'Cause I only write checks,
While living on very scant dinners.

When writing a very painful cheque
You let out a squeal"what the heck"
Then you'll feel very daft
Seeing the overdraft
Aint money a pain in the neck?

Drink up, sleepy and serene marine.
And don't forget to sample the fine cuisine.
But please don't make a scene,
when you cannot get enough caffeine.
If the bar, has ran of out coffee,
but you could have some toffees;
that have been made by Sofi.

Have a few glasses gin-sling,
that tastes full of zing.
That will give you spring,
in your steps and makes you ping.
Helping you tie your shoe strings.
Making you king of the boxing ring.
And yearning to play bingo,
with Ringo as you learn the lingo.
From the Australian dingo,
and the flamingo from Santo domingo.

Money's a pain in the neck or the back,
But that can't compare when you're faced with the lack.

There was a monkey that a wore a chunky jumper.
Worked as a Lumper and lived in a dumper.
Was known as Monet Mumper,
who lived with a rabbit, who's name is Thumper.
Made a lots of money when it was sunny,
along with pots of honey.
This made the bunny act very funny,
going around telling old jokes.
To all the fokes about eating yolks
with blokes that thought they were oaks.

Clegg eats eggs with Greg.
Then begs Greg for the beer keg,
to have a swig, to make him big.
And then he'll be able to dance the jig.
Dressed as a prig pig that feeds on figs.
That makes him brag about his flags,
to football celebrities that play tag.
Along with their w.a.g's who are all called Mag.
As they spend all the time buying expensive handbags.

I lying here in the freezer
Next to Julius Ceasar
Some say that he's a
Dead good geezer
My last barcardi breezer
It sort a made me sneeze er
Then I gave her bum a sqeaze er
But that didn't pease 'er
So now I'm into sleaze er
With some terminal disease er
That's why my dead cold knees are
Next to an old wheezer in the freezer

The mice sat on ice twice
Because of bad advice.

Homer wears a beret whislt drinking sherry.
Makes him merry for the Ferry going to Derry.
To see Jerry who is rather scary;
and lives with a fairy who's rather hairy.
Then sits down and watch Terry with is dairy,
producing cherries made from the sherry fairy.
Then fed to the canaries from the prairie.
Who keeps ferrets who lives on carrots,
and smokes charoots, with Wolverine the Canute.
Followed by Jarratt, who inherit a demerit,
for production of gold karats with a green beret.
To help him go down the swimming pool chute,
on the Isle of Bute, playing his magical flute.

I want the Magic Flute--please don't say no!
I'd like to play a duet with Papageno,
And dance the Highland Fling with Sarastro,
Until he runs out of low notes, and flees to Reno.

I want to be massaged by the liquid voice of Pamina,
And then go shopping in Pasadena.