h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am not, in fact, T.B. Falsename regular bloke. I am, none other than, T.B. Falsename supervillain. Now I know that while some of you may have had your suspicions for some time this will come as a shock to the vast majority of those reading thin. You're probably there thinking 'No!' and 'He couldn't be, he's such a nice bloke' however it's true. I'm currently sat here in my secret lair, and no I'm not going to tell you where it is, planning my latest devilishly evil scheme.

You may wonder why I'm telling you this. Well it's simple, now that I have amassed my forces I am completely safe. No one can get past my elite bodyguard of ninja mongooses and the leather clad nazi ferrets which make up my secret police will soon root out any trouble makes, who will be publicly and messily executed in order to scare the willies out of everyone else and put a stop the their schemes and plots to overthrow me.

Well damm you have everything... Wait - do you need a henchman????

OOOOdle Flip!

I had better warn the rest of hootoo!!! s--------------------

that depends, are you naturaly incompetant?

*In walkth thur evil twithted aththtant*

Yeth marther

Oh! Oh pick me! can I be annoy prat sidekick with bad ideas that seem complex and clever but never work due to annoying super hero

Ah well, you see I'm trying to give up incompetant assistants, my last four plans failed due to my henchmen/assistants being incompetant, so I was forced to shoot the... you'd never think it'd be too hard to get good henchmen, but once word got round not one of the agencies had anyone on their books who was willing to work for me

*lookth over at THpace Cadet*

If you want tradithionalitht marther then I am the men to aththitht you. I can keep the crypt nicely duthted, proper dribble candleth and I lurch in an amuthing manner thur...

thod thimulpotht

Marther I am loyal and work in all kindth of dangerouth thituationth...

ah, well you thee, damn, you've gotten me doing it now the thing is I haven't actually got a crypt as such, it's more a sort of wine cellar

I own my own hench. do I qualify?

a wine theller marther.... I am famouth for my famouth faboulouth mix of thtrange concotionth of an piththed thtate induthing nature your exthellenthy

*put up her hand*

Excuse me??

Hello??

How do I get out of this thread? I seem to be going round in circles

Right, you, you with the lisp, you can be chief barkeep and what have you, what's your name? No wait, let me guess, Igor?

amathing guethth your exthellenthy... but I altho rethpond to evil twithed aththithtant marther...

Its the scars, they're a dead give away... ok, forget I said that I've now got images in my head I'll never lose. Anyway, would you be so kind as to show this nice lady the way to the exit as she seems to be a little lost. While you're doing that I'll deal with these other gentlemen. So, Who else here wants a job?

*gently, politely but firmly leadth the lady away*

the marther is buthy tonight thweet lady...

*gorth back and thetth up bar*

Hello sir ETA? looking for a job as gadget blowing stuff up freak with weird plans that amost always get foiled by superheros with plans that shouldnt work?

do I need to fill out an application form?

Well, you should really, but I supose I could just give you the job, what kind of qualifications do you have?