h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There are several excellent pranks that can be perpetrated over the telephone. Some of the best require that your telephone provider carries the option of three-way calling. This works by a "click-dial-click" method. Call one person, then, when connected to them, click the hang-up switch thing, dial the next number, click again, and you will be connected in a three-way conversation.

The mayhem begins when you start getting creative, however. If one is fast enough on the keypad, one can have the chance to listen in on a most interesting conversation, something like this:

Hello?
Hello?
...Yes?
Um... can I help you?
What do you mean? You called me.
No I didn't, you called me!

You get the picture. An even more evil use of this feature was suggested in a book on office politics by Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert. In this version, an evil conniving trickster calls the home phone of a coworker, waits as the phone rings two or three times, then connects the line to the coworker's office phone just as the answering machine picks up. Coworker remains under the impression that her answering machine has called her at work. Heh heh hhe.

Güthwinë.

love it! much better than the "cute" messages some people give over the phone(is your refrigerater running? hahaha ) of course if you get one of those, you can always reply with a "i know where you live." type message. or if you have caller id you can call them back with the trick you suggested.

This is one that I got from one of my classmates. If someone calls you, ask who's calling, then ask them, "Are you sure?" Keep questioning the validity of their identity until they give up.

or you can also answer with the classic "yeah, i'd like to order a large pepporoni pizza. can you have it here by 2:30? okay thanks." especially if you suspect it is a telemarketer.

Best one I`ve heard involves using text messaging - if you`ve got a friend that has a phone or pager that accepts text messges simply send one that says `LOW BATTERY`. Works every time.

Red

I perpetrated one by accident a while ago - I called someone who, by pure coincidence, happened to pick up the phone to make a call themselves, just before their phone started ringing.
I could hear them dialing the number without even waiting for the dial tone, and it took a lot of effort not to burst out laughing as they waited for the ring tone to start. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of anything witty enough to say straight away, so I just stayed silent until they hung up.
I called them straight back to see if I could catch them again, but they were too fast and I only got an engaged signal.

A great thing about telemarketers is that they want to talk to you. How can you use this? Well for starters when they say "do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" your answer should be. "sure, but first I have a few questions of my own." from this point on, you have them at your mercy. You can be as dirty or clean as you want. They need and want to finish the phone call to have a high call ratio to sales. So, what might you consider? Here is what my phone call with telemarketers usually sound like.

Hello?

yes this is abc company doing research on stuff. Are you the man/woman of the house? do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Yes I am the man of the house, do I sound like a woman to you?

No, I am sorry, I was just reading from the page, May I ask you a few questions?

Yes you may, but may I first ask you a few questions?

(note this is an actual conversation I had)

ummm, yes alright

First, how long have you been in telemarketing.

Actually, I have been doing this for a few weeks.

Do you like talking to different people?

Well yes, but it depends...

What percentage would you put on the calls you make to the sales you generate?

I am not actually selling anything

your not? then as a free service, do you offer anything to me for answering your questions.

No, we are gathering data for a product you may know of. let me...

not yet, I am still asking my questions, just a few more left.

heh, ummmmm ok.....

now, since you are not selling anything and just want to know my opinion of the produce I may know of, how many more weeks do you think you have a job?

I don't know... do you not want to help in our survey?

No, actually I don't, but seeing as how you called me to waste my time, I thought I would waste yours.

Thank you sir

click.


Now this can be done in several ways and I actually enjoy frustrating people that call my house to bother me when I never asked them to call me in the first place.

hope you enjoy this next time you get the call

I love it!!!!!!!

I'm always looking for new responses to telemarketers/telephone salesmen/survey-takers on the phone, especially since AT&T insists on calling me at least once every morning. Lately I've gotten enough calls that I've taken to hanging up without a word as soon as I realize the person on the line is trying to sell me something, but I'll have to try the questioning-the-questioner trick. Incidentally, there was actually an English teacher at my high school who did something similar with a group of Jehovah's Witneses who came to her door - they never came back again.

Some of the other telemarketer putoffs I've heard are:

"But why would I want to buy aluminum siding? I have a brick house!"

"I'm afraid they've just died" followed by a torrent of fake tears/sobbing. This only works in response to a telemarketer who askes for a specific name (i.e., is Mr. or Mrs. Smith at home?). Whether or not anyone by that name actually lives there is irrelevant.

To follow the theme of confusion tactics, you can also let the telemarketer get through their entire shpiel, agree to buy whatever they're selling, and when they transfer you to the other fellow who will get all of your information, abruptly tell them they've got the wrong number. Or, just demand to know who they are, why they're bothering you in the middle of dinner/lunch/brunch/sex/whatever else you might have been having, and generally harass them about their manners (or parents, or background, or upringing, depending on your mood), then hang up.

It can also be fun to cut off the telemarketer mid-shpiel and ask what number they were trying to reach. They usually can't answer that one, since it's usually a computer that does all the dialing and then connects the caller to you when the line is opened.

Happy answering,
Zelda

lol, I've done that before