h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://www.h2g2.com/A456653

This is my first attempt, and I'm not sure if it's what you're after, but I would like to submit it for editting.

It's an alternative look on writing poetry. Any and all constructive comments would be appreciated.

Neither sad, mad, nor bad, in my humble opinion. An enjoyable piece of writing, and I don't see any reason why the Guide shouldn't take it on board as a relevant subject. After all, h2g2 purports to deal with real-life subject matter, and there's no shortage of bad poetry out there in the world.

Your article might benefit from a few illustrations from this immense canon, actually. That might help to flesh it out a bit.

I don't necessarily agree that bad poetry requires less thought than the good stuff. I've personally laboured (in the dim and distant past) for hours on end over pages and pages of what turned out to be complete crap, and it always seemed to get worse the harder I tried...

All the best, Lear.

PS - what's a Vogon?

While it may sound strange, H2G2 does tend to shy away from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy references in edited entries. It blurs the lines between fact and fiction, and the guide entries are supposed to be fact. (Consider that the fictional guide supposedly contained factual entries for that fictional universe. So while an entry mentioning Vogons would be fine in DNA's universe's Guide, it doesn't work for the Earth edition).

I like this entry, though I have a desire for it to go on longer. I'd like more methods. One I can think of:

1) Throwing in as many over-used cliches as possible.

As I beat the dead horse
and Fate runs its course
Your lips taste like wine
And we both toe the line

2) For the truly desperate stuff, you can't beat a good dose of downright pretentiousness. Make sure to include a bit of utterly gratuituous literary namedropping, eg...

Solitude heavier than a stony albatross
As I traversed Ulysses' throbbing membrane of despair
As though in thrall to an earlier Wasteland -
The trajectory of silence.

I think I'll stop there actually...

Thank you both for your wonderful comments!

I've changed 'Vogon' (they were the worst poets in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy universe, Lear, if my memory serves me right) to 'William McGonnagall' - who even has the benefit of an article to link to

The others are great suggestions, and I'll work on them. Thank you!

OK, I had a few more ideas as well as the excellent suggestions you guys gave me, and I've edited the article accordingly.

How does that look?

There once was a man from Nantucket. . . .

Oh wait! That's downright plagarism. Actually. . .

Driving in my car
wanting to go far
laughing at everyone that I pass
That is until I run out of gas
In my car I'm a superman
Weaving through traffic because I can
Now as I sit with my hazards blinking
I just can't stop thinking
Maybe I should have stopped an hour ago
Instead of looking like schmo

Maybe there should be a bad poetry contest to see who could write the worst maybe?

It gets better every time I look at it. Excellent stuff. And as for this William McGonagall fellow - well, what can I say? A revelation...

Thank you

On the subject of rhymes (since this article is full of it), I found a link to a rhyming dictionary. I think it'll prove to be an entertaining addition.

Well done! This is a very entertaining and practical guide for those of us who aspire to the awful. Bad poetry, horrible art, and atrocious dress sense - to quote the inimitable July Andrews - are a few of my favourite things.

JTG

Thanks

Very good! I think writing bad poetry is a natural 'gift' that some people are just born with but it would be useful to have this entry in The Edited Guide to help those unfortunate souls who are not so blessed.

This is a very good entry, I wonder why it's been in Peer Review so long?

It's always handy to get a few extra pointers when you get stuck! I've had a few myself since I started the article

, or

St. Seven, I agree. This one should have been snapped up ages ago.

Calling all Scouts - pick this, pick this, pick this, etc...

Aw thanks guys . I'd sort of given up that it WOULD be picked.

, or

Inspired by the revival of this conversation, I have given the entry that overhaul I always meant to. Please let me know what you think now. It's had quite a few tweaks, and I think the look is much improved.

, or

Well, I like this entry, anyway.

Yes, it is a good entry - the rewrite has significantly improved it, I think.

The first couple of lines are particularly nice: lovely way to introduce the entry. I'm not quite so convinced by the Jane Austen reference - a little pretentious to my ear...

> "this article"

we call them entries...

> This technique was succinctly and piquantly described
> by Morris Major and the Minors:
> "And there's no line here."

Umm?
That just lost me...

However, I'll share Tom Lehrer's usage of this technique, in his song "My Home Town":

"That fella was no fool,
who taught our sunday school,
and neither was our kindly parson brown.
(We're recording tonight, so I'll have to leave this line out)
In my home town!"

But many off the techniques for writing bad poetry apply to bad folk songs, too - bad rhymes, for example - and the wonderful techniques of making it *almost* have rhythym... but always be a syllable or two out.

I think you should mention Clerihews (and link to that entry). Clerihews are great because they are universally bad. It is, I am convinced, impossible to make a Clerihew a good poem, without making it not a clerihew. Probably because it has a strict rhyming requirement, and the first line has to be the guy's name - so there is endless fun doing one for Sarah McGoghlan or whatever...