h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have my Christmas Day dinner alone...
But your sister is near you...think you're going for the sympathy vote here...won't work!
So what will you do in Vienna for New Year?
Not sure of my plans for New Year yet..or for many other things come to that...so much to do now!
I speak to parents all the time...they know better than I what is going on!
But then that wouldn't be difficult at the moment!

Well, since you like to travel, I can only recommend Vienna for New Year. I don't care for New Year at all, but for me, it's become sort of a tradition to go there. It's beautiful. This is how I spend a typical New Year: sleep late into the day. It's the last time you can do it, after all. Then have a good lunch. After that, you should go somewhere on the outskirts of the city and take a walk in the snow. Be careful not to make any resolutions at that point. Best keep your brain out of working order. Then you return into the inner city, and you find yourself a nice "Kaffeehaus". I highly recommend the "Dommayer", which is my favourite, and which is located right in the center of the city. Spend your remaining hours there, reading some of the numerous newspapers they provide. Different from anywhere else, no one would even think of disturbing you: you're quite welcome to spend ten hours with one cup of that delicious Viennese coffee. Finally, when you feel like it, you should take a slow walk to the heart of Vienna (pay first, though), and find yourself a good position close to St.Stephen's Cathedral. It'll be packed, so make sure you're not too claustrophobic. At midnight, the famous bell of the cathedral will start ringing to welcome the new year. Since it's so big that the tower starts shaking, this is the only time you'll hear it for the entire year. Except that the noise around you is so immense that you see the bell moving, but you don't hear it. Hugely impressive.
You can then rob one of the numerous stalls and get drunk.
Sound like fun?

*loitering at a grey, dark, boring streetcorner; mumbling to himself*
Just getting some cigs, she said... Back in a sec, she said...
*suddenly looks up at the sky, sees rather threatening clouds towering above him*
Oh, great...

I'm singing in the rain... just singing in the rain...
I'm pissed off now again - AAACHEEWWWW!!!!
*starting to feel slightly sorry for himself*

*leaning against cold wall, dripping wet; sees pretty girl approaching*
Hello there.

*nurses black eye*

*scratches beard*

*goes off in search of lawnmower, plus tent*

Hey!
A black eye!!
You've been attempting to chat up women again haven't you??
Never learn eh??
And I do really think you should have a shave! Honestly..pride in appearance is very important...I mean just take a look at me!??
Well ok...don't I mean it's been a difficult few days and well anyone could fall into a rut and have problems fitting all that personal hygiene stuff in...
..you obviously have done too!!!

Gee... Thought that looked kind of, well, manly, really...
Oh, well. Guess not.
Stop laughing, please.
Busy week, huh? Wait, don't tell me - same old, same old (<- incredibly smart and witty pun, don't you think?)...
Been busy, too. This Christmas thing is getting closer and closer... Starting to get a little worried about those darn presents now. Reckon I'll present my sister with yet another pretty tie... It's "watch out for " again! Take cover! Everybody save yourself!!
After such a busy time you deserve a little fun! Let's set another date and get . And silly.
How about it?

Hey you!!!
Happy New Year!!!
I've been with family and then things have been...errrr...not too good around here....
Hope everything's better with you?
Now about that beer......

Happy New Year to you; too!!
My plans for vacation were cancelled at the last minute, so I've been with family, too... As a result, things have not been too good around here, either...
Going to lovely Salzburg for the day!
Should be back early tonight, so if you fancy that beer, we can share our burdens like men... and drink ourselves into a stupor...
Well, the train's waiting! See you tonight, or if that's bad, have your secretary call mine to set another appointment. I'll have mine confirm with yours.

Mine's disappeared..something to do with work conditions and no pay...didn't quite catch it all as he left..but that leaves me to make all the arrangements!
So beer tonight sounds good..just doing a bit of DIY and I'll be back...could do with a drink!

Err... uhmm.... hhmmmm..
Sorry. I am truly, dreadfully sorry.
Leaving you all alone! Again!!
Well, Salzburg took a little longer than I expected. I was stupid enough to miss the last train, so I spent a happy night on a cold bench somewhere in the station. Great fun, try it sometime!
Would like to make it up to you tonight, but have to work early tomorrow so I'll probably go to sleep when the chimes sound at midnight (have a church right next door - Sunday mornings are hell).
So, if you'd like to break my nose you'll have to do it either before twelve tonight or set a date for execution...

Just as well my secretary has left, or I'd have already booked the execution. Luckily for you he must have taken the book of contact numbers of my usual hangmen with him!
So let me get this right, rather than spend an evening with me drinking beer and chatting, you decided to miss a train and sleep on a bench?
Well that's put my ego firmly in place somewhere on the floor...thanks!
I just hope it was extremely cold!
I can't cope with all this rejection!

Come on, girl, show a little backbone, will ya?
Actually, it *was* cold, what with all that snow coming down...
Well, if truth be told, I was in a closed building, so I guess the old
hey-I-suffered-worse-than-Mel-and-Bruce-put-together-routine doesn't quite work here...
Well, considering the fact that I'll be tied to my computer for the next six days, or rather: nights (just this bit late on another assignment, you see), we're bound to bump into each other quite soon!

Who knows, maybe even tonight?

How's Fritz ()?

I really can't see remorse written in any of those sentences!
It's just as well I have friends to go out with, who obviously appreciate my company or I'd be suicidal, by the amount of attention I've been getting here!
And I guess the you/your pc affair is going on due to college rather than any longing to talk to me!
Well I hope you, your essays and your bench do just fine!

*starting to feel a bit bad about this*
I swear to you, it was only work... It was on a purely academic basis... I have no feelings for my pc whatsoever! Really!!
You must believe me! Please?!?
*sighs; what could he possibly say he hasn't said in countless similar situations?*
Come on now... Please, just give me a chance to make it up to you. I understand I've been a little, err, neglectful lately, but that was all due to acts of God (and maybe the fact that I can't read my watch right)!
Just one last chance! I deserve that (at least I think I do, but that may be due to this megalomania thing people keep telling me about)!
Don't be anymore, please?

Ok...one last chance...
...prove to me that you deserve it!
You do deserve it don't you?
And there really is nothing between you and your pc??
I mean there are so many wierd people around..one never knows...
...please tell me you're not one of them.......

*quickly hides certain object behind his back*
Okay. I'm not one of them.
And please... I never want to hear from my pc again! That's over, I can tell you!! The thing failed twice on me when I needed it most... all in the same week too... My prof came this close to beating me within an inch of my life!
So how are your kids? I'm just asking, because of all people I know (errr...??), you've got the most...
Hey you know what? Let's challenge our good fortune once more and set up another date! What could possibly happen this time, I wonder... (just kidding!)???
okay??