h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Greetings !!!

If you would like to join the angelic fold, please leave your name here...

As an angel you automatically become a Patron Saint !!!

So if you have any ideas to something that represents you, feel free to add them...

So, see you at the Grand Ceremony when you get your wings !!!

- Simply, High Spirited.

Here is a shortcut to the latest threads... http://www.h2g2.com/F37639?thread=62310&latest=1 * SHORTCUT---> Add &latest=1 to the end of addresses, to go to the latest threads... * Thankyou ><> - Moving In Mysterious Ways.

Can I be an Angel?
I don't have much experience, just 22 years of mothering.
Maybe I could be the Patron Saint of Nurturing {teenagers and other, smaller humans}

Now you know how I feel after caring after humanity for millions of years...!!!

Some people like to call them 'kids', I say why quibble with such euphemisms, 'Urban Terrorists' is far more apt...!!!

We would be happy to welcome you into the fold !!!

With your skills, you might be able to deal with the notoriously 'flighty' saints !!!

How about the Patron Saint of Tantrums !!!

We might even let you have one on account, every so often...

- Simply, High Spirited.

* In the midst of Fashion Cat’s Party a number of Saints are trying to be sober up with the help of Saint Peter & Saint William with copious rounds of black coffee & tea. Archangel Zax is still singing drinking songs with Saint Benji. The relatively new Saint Courtney is looking about positively glowering at the others, feeling more embarrassed with every passing second *

* Saint Sporkulious tries desperately in the role of HIS official Public Relations Officer to come up with something to explain such rampant behaviour…Fails *

* HE stumbles into the room, no matter how much HE tries to anticipate the wilfully obstinate floor from leaping about, the shagpile outfoxes him at every turn… *

GOD – Right ! Saint…er, sorry. It is Saint Peter, isn’t it ???

* Well the lampshade IS the same colour of Peter’s usual attire… *

GOD – Now, where is that sword…!!!

* Saint Peter has vision of calamity in his mind, which he suspects his eyes will have second dibs at, later… Fortuitously, or rather more to the point unfortunately, Archangel Zax starts to recite the limerick with 'luck’ in it. Creating a whole new set of public relations 'challenges' for Sporky to overcome… *

* HE stumbles forward falling at Bob’s feet… *

GOD – Isn’t this suppose to be the other way around !!!

* Saint Peter turns 'blood-vessel' red… *

GOD – Anyway, this is cutting into serious drinking time !!!

So, I dub you Saint Bob the Patron Saint of Weird Statements !!!

May you go forth and confound & confuse all & sundry, and mildly irritate anyone else !!!

* In haste a golden sword goes flying through the air just missing Saint Fashion Cat as she vainly attempts to pick-up rubbish from the floor, before things reach the ‘crunchy’ stage… *

GOD – Sorry… Ah… Just Sorry…

* HE waves his hand and Bob transforms into a leather clad angel complete with lovely white wings and a golden halo… *

Bob – Now I can go forth and spread happiness, joy and harmony ! Explain paradise is ours if we work together ! That the one person needed for change to happen, is ourselves… !!!

* They all stare on, unable to… to… respond *

* After walking over and retrieving the sword from the ex-dartboard, HE turns to Galaxy Babe… *

GOD – I hereby dub you Saint Galaxy Babe the Patron Saint of Tantrums !!!

May you go forth and teach others that being snide & underhand is a far better proposition if one has to get one’s own way !!!

* A golden sword loops through the air, at this point one must accredit Galaxy Babe with nerves of steel for keeping still, as the ‘holy’ sharp blade arcs through stray atoms in its path. Mind you looking after children for years can bring such stoicness… *

* As it comes to rest mere millimetres from her shoulder blade glorious speckled, lace wings sprout forth, followed by a milk white halo… *

* Or course Saint Fashion Cat misses most of this, as she is far more concerned about the relatives whom she borrowed the house from for the weekend… *

- Simply, High Spirited.

aw.... I'm touched! Thank you for deeming my little party a place worthy to hold the latest ceremony....

Can I become one of your uh, thingies? and stuff.
ruh,

Certainly...!!!

Now if can just come up with a Patronage...???

No scratch that, lets just concentrate first on aquiring a name...

- Simply, High Sprited.

You know, I would like to become a guardian angel.

I'll start by guardian-ing myself. Then I'll move up to other people.

I could be the Patron Saint of Wary Disinterest. It has a nice ring to it, yes?

Funnily enough Wampus, we have an opening right up your alley !!!

The Patron Saint of Apathy...!!!

The last saint to hold this post was last seen in the South of Mexico, laying under a cabana by a pool, seeing how many hours she could go without moving a muscle (...obviously excluding the waste of energy required for consuming cocktails that is )

- Simply, High Spirited.

Sure, I'll accept. Let the guardianing begin!

How do i become a guardian angel guy? Maybe I could be the patron saint of ignorance. I don't know what help that would be. Oh well.

Well if you like...!!!

I'm sure once you get to grips with things, the Patron Saint of Enlightenment is only a mere stones throw away...

But if you have an area you are particularly interested in, you might to get back to me before tommorrow's Ceremony !!!

- Simply, High Spirited.

I know something better. The patron saint of uncertainty. That sounds better anyway.

Ahah !!! Now there we are...!!!

I hope you enjoy the Ceremony !!!

- Simply, High Spirited.

welcome to the newest of angels and welcome to the saints yet-to-be!


*making the rounds

* The day fell upon an Industrial Estate in the North of England, for many it wasn't a pretty site. For a few others who usually live in the rarefied surrounds of Heaven, it was a 'God forsaken place', which is precisely why HE has called for them to meet here… *

* Despite Saint Williams best efforts attempting to lift everyone's spirits by plying the Angles with piping hot tea, nothing can account for getting up early on a Sunday, sober & standing outside waiting for the Sun to chill one's bones… *

* Saint Taco-Chako curses the fact that Saint Possum is sleeping sound asleep back at Heaven H.Q, as he received special dispensation for the irregular hours one has to keep in the patronage of Patron Saint of Creatures of the Night. Saint Thistle is abrasive at the best of times, but the 'Dry Run' imposed on the Heaven-Earth Charter Plane Flight is positively barbaric. It's little wonder then that Saint 'Silent' Bob is 'usually' silent… *

* Just as some of the Saints start jiggling up & down on the spot to stay warm a Golden Chariot comes sailing across the pale Sun. As it heads towards the angelic assembly, GOD can be seen with a glass of champagne in his hand, laughing & merry, being hand fed canapes nibblies by Saint Halo… *

* HE unsteadily steps from the Chariot… *

Good Morning !!!

Isn't it a lovely day !!!

* Saint Canadian Girl mutters that it certainly would have been if she had turned up 2 hours late too… *

Sorry, I had intended to have an early night, but I caught up with a few pagan gods at the Celestial Arms, and one thing lead to another…

* HE ponders that a few absolutions may be in order after HE woke up in a skip 'somewhere' outside of Dusseldorf… *

Well, I brought you here today for a very special reason. I have seen of late far too many Angels getting in rather late…

* Saint Manxie looks to the horizon… *

Running up tremendous bills at some of the seedier bars in Soho, under the guise of 'customer relations'…

* Saint Jester idly plays with his bells… *

And returning to Heaven dishevelled , with half empty spirit bottles in hand, singing some of the lewdest of sea shanties that ever had the word 'luck' in them !!!

* By now, quite a few Saints have found something of interest on the horizon… *

GOD - This kind of privileged lifestyle has got to change…

* HE looks around to see if there are any canapes nibblies left, his nose wrinkles as their aren't, and takes a swig of bolly to commiserate… *

I mean there are people who don't even have their very own wine cellars !!!

* The Archangel hangs grapples on to Tweetie, to stop him fainting from such heinous news… *

We may even institute a strict regime of fitness first thing in the morning…

* The Earth shudders as Saint Jeltz does pass out… *

Who knows, we might even make the Wing's Bar a 'Dry Zone' !!!

* There is another thud as the Archangel simply can't take anymore. Saint Galaxy Babe who is usually so cool & collected eyes start to bulge… *

* HE sips another glass of champagne… Saint Benji growls from the relative safety of the back row… *

Although, I'm sure we can talk about that all later…

* Saint Technicolor starts to mutter something definitely unworthy of an angelic being… *

Now, would Saint…er, 'Alias' please step forward !!!

I dub you Saint Alias the Patron Saint of Insignificant Coincidences !!!

May you go forth and make all & sundry aware of all the trite, banal & worthless coincidences only a trainspotter could love !!!

* A sword is unsheathed, narrowly missing Saint Capt. Al Boy by mere atoms. Once its drawn HE becomes aware that something is slightly wrong, a large black stopper is affixed to the end. HE looks in annoyance at St.Peter, St.Peter looks back with a wry smile on his lips… *

* The sword flashes past the new saint and a pair of pure white wings appear and a silver halo. This is curious as many scholars have gone on to speculate whether the halo was the very one lost in 1909 by Saint Harriet, who used her divine powers to win the Ascot Gold Cup, but also to win the affections of the jockey Derry Bingley…and several of his peers. Needless to say she had been taking her patronage of Patron Saint of the Vertically Challenged just a little too seriously… Although, it did have a happy ending when they all stopped affixing the blame and reconciled their differences. Going on to appear in the lucrative touring theatre production of Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs… *

Now, could Wampus step forward…

* 10 seconds later… *

Could Wampus please STEP FORWARD !!!

* It was indeed a long shot, but Wampus entirely refuses to suddenly appear… *

* HE disappears, then just as suddenly reappears clutching a very 'unbemused' individual… *

NOW IF WE COULD GET ON…!!!

* Wampus who is wearing a swimming costume and clutching a Banana Dakari seems rather non-plussed about being ferried from the idyllic poolside surrounds of Hawaii to the grim, frozen streets of an English Northern town… *

I dub thee…

* HE momentarily stops to ponder the lack of truly pure souls which has reduced him to this… *

I dub thee Saint Wampus the Patron Saint of Apathy !!!

May you go forth from here and be a lesson to anyone aspiring, er… to anyone not aspiring or perspiring…!!!

* HE sighs… as a set of translucent wings and a halo appear before him*

Now on to…

* Suddenly, a trio of lads in Union Jack T-shirts, brazes, Doc Martin's and blue jeans push their ways through the encircled saints… *

Thug 1 - Well, well, what have we got here then…Some kind of crap student street theatre !!!

Thug 2 - Hey ! Look at the old geezer wearing a beard and a dress !!!

Thug 1 - Repent ! Repent ! The day is at hand !!!

* Thug 3 sneers outrageously…for he only has a non-speaking role *

GOD - Well, I nev…

Thug 1 - Hey Grandad !!! Hand over your pension money !!!

* HE is momentarily flustered…Thug 3 moves forward towards him trying to do his best 'Reggie Kray' look… *

* Saint Jimmiejaz strides forth with purpose, straight up to the 'numero uno' thug… *

Saint Jimmiejaz - Remember Me ???

* The head thug's resolve crumbles in an instant knowing of the legendary status the young jimmie aquired in his young, impetus days… not more than 6 weeks ago… *

* Saint William takes advantage of the welcome diversion to land the tea tray over thug 2's head, making sure to serve it with two lumps… *

* Saint Ioreth suddenly becomes rather worried about the loose signage on the ledge about thug 3's head, it would be unfortunate in a strictly 'Occupational Health & Safety' sense, if any thing should happen… *

Thug 3 - Owww !!!! My Head !!!

* Things happen… *

* HE looks around if not extremely happy that his Saints know how to handle themselves in a 'scrap', but also bemused that HE couldn't show off some of his 'miraculous' powers… *

Well, if we could get on…

I dub you Saint Mr.Indifferent the Patron Saint of Uncertainty !!!

May you go forth and show the merit of keeping one's mind open, even if it's through lack of anything tangible to put in there… !!!

* With that the sword goes flying off into the distance, just past the now paranoid Saint Capt. Al Boy, who ponders that if a GOD is on your case, there aren't many possible escape routes… *

* I should like to point out that anyone speculating that HE let go off the said sword because HE was still trembling from the close encounter with the thugs is utterly, utterly wrong…Furthermore if one was to casually say as such, they had better find another Reality to hide out in, well at least for the foreseeable future… *

* One silver & one gold wings appear, and a gold plated, silver halo… *

GOD - Well, God knows why we held the Ceremony here, it's about time I got back to MY great big fire & comfy chair… !!!

* The others don't appear amused… *

Praise the Lord...

*scattered cheering*

...Okay, that's enough praise for now. PASS THE BOOZE!

*considerably more cheering*

congratulations to all!
now if you all would like to find out where the saints hang out, just go ask Archangel Tweetie, or Big 'Evil' Dan the Archangel... they'd love to help show you the ropes!!

hope to see you all around!!

I'm so happy to have become a guardian angel, at least, I think I'm happy. I must be happy. Or should I? It seems to be something to be happy about. But maybe I'm not happy. I guess I'm not happy. Maybe I should be happy. Should I be happy? I think I should, or maybe....well....