h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Mz favourites are shining the buckle and of course the infamous five-knuckle-shuffle. Come on ye, be creative!

I especially like:
Flogging the Bishop
Whitewater Wristing
Wedding Rehearsal

Gotta luv "choke the chicken!"
It comes (ahem) from that glorious scene in "Something about Mary" where the hero is advised to choke the chicken before heading heading (cough) out on a date with the divine Cameron Diaz (oh momma) to relieve any stress, there is actually a magnificent list of euphowatsits in that scene I wish i could remember them.

Hmmmm Cameron Diaz!!!!!! excuse me......bok bok begerch!!!

I prefer to "Bash The Bishop"!

I grew up to call it "pulling one's pud".

"Polishing the German helmet", "Manipulating the pork joystick", "Pleasuring Pa(l)m and her five sisters"...

Female euphemisms? I liked Jo Brand's suggestion as an alternative-gender insult - for 'w****r' try 'gusset typist'.

Has anyone suggested the good old 'whacking off' yet? this list is getting yea long.

And where does good ol' pocket billiards fit into all this flim-flam?

What's wrong with "Shaking hands with a good friend"?

Apart from that, a clever man once said that when looking at it, masturbation is really just making love to the person you love most.....

Woody Allen, I believe.

When I was serving in the Royal Air Force, it often got referred to as "Bulling your shoes". This was because, from an adjoining room, the sound of your bed knocking rhymically on the wall while doing the old spit and polish on a pair of boots sounded pretty similar!!

For the female variety of self appreciation, Jim Davidson used to use the phrase
"strumming" but I have to say I prefer "bean-flicking"

flicking the bean, huh?...
cute...as a matter of fact I am laughing *my* head off as well!

For the female gratification catigory: buttering the bagel :-= Heh heh...hmmm, that reminds me...*lol*

For god's sake get the spelling right - there have been at least four different versions - all wrong.

Some of you have been at it so hard you can't even spell masturbation.

Having said that I have to admit to a fairly sheltered life in this respect. There is however a reference in the old testament, where Onan is said to "spill his seed on the floor" or something similar.

Rememer when Harry Secombe in the Goon show said - a propos of nothing - "Stop that, boy, you'll go blind". That's pure radio for you.

Hi Jacky, there is an e.mail awaiting you.....
My favourite is "Slapping the salami" hehehe

punishing percy in the palm
roughing up the suspect
and my favourite...playing a one-handed solo on the spunk-trumpet

I have been discussing this subject at some length (OOH ERR) with my workmate, here goes.....

Going for a Jodd - as in Jodrel Bank (W**k).

Also, polishing the rocket.

I remember the first time I drove up to a site outside Manchester, and I drove past Jodrel Bank, I almost crashed the car laughing.

Gee, I'm sorry, I made a typo: CATEGORY. Adults are so touchy sometimes, yeesh! (I'm 17 and never taken a typing course: I'm allowed to make typos. Last I checked anyway). Sorry for being so cranky, but I'm usually a good speller.

Well, it's an interesting definition ... somehow so far I had only double-clicked a nipple (and that because my SO is computer literate, so she got the reference instantly ).

BTW, I never can remember the name of that little [thingamabob] between G, H and Y on a friend's laptop... we always called it a clitoris!

I heard this one from an Irish girl: "I gave my V a hard time..."