h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi! Welcome to Charlton Heston Services. We hope your visit will be a happy one, and your consumerist impulses may be fully satisfied.
Fill up with octane-free fuel!
Buy sweets!
Get one of those green smelly fir trees to hang off your car ciggy lighter!
Buy a compilation tape which will embaress your family and amuse your friends!
Play a part in Joolsee's insanely brave attempt to break the world land speed record in his fabulous car 'Doughbird' (Sponsors required!)
Go to the loo!
Enjoy the piped music under the homely glare of the strip-lighting!
The options are endless!

I want to be a sponsor please?
*looks hopeful*

Can I have a little logo for the Alpine Ski Resort at Mt. Sandcastle please Joolsee.

No problem.
Joanna, will you be able to provide the donuts for the attempt? We need 700 mobius and 3 custard donuts per run. OK?
DD, I'll paint on a very nice logo.
Thanks for your support!

Could we get the Saving the Galaxy effort on the Doughbird somewhere too? Nothing ostentatious, just a little doughnut logo and the word "Estirprente"...

You wouldn't happen to... Get your hands of me you dirty ape!
Sorry, but where do you get your staff? Anyway, you wouldn't happen to know the land speed record for a tea tray would you?

I think Al meant Ersirpretne, he added an extra T.

I think DD meant Esirpretne, he added an extra R

At least everyone is alert.

"Erstirpretne" it is then!

Tea tray. Tea tray.
*Thumbs through Guiness Book of Fast Moving Objects.*
Tea Tray 92.78mph at St. Moritz, 1992, ridden by the late Vince Monsanto of the Oxford and Cambride Terminally Dim Society.

I can beat that. Got any Tea Tray wax to help me attempt this record? Oh and a car smelly thing as well, got to keep the tray sweet for any journalists.

Here you go.
*Hands over the tray wax and smelly tree.*
*Kerching!*
It all helps. This speed record is an expensive business!

The Aroma Café would like to offer it's sponsorship to the doughbird and Joolsee.

Argh! My foot's asleep!

Consider yourself painted in. Would you like to be Official Beverage Supplier to the project? We'll need lots of cold drinks for the afternoons, and lots of coffee for those dramatic early morning test runs.

A list of sponsors is now in place on my home page. I have a feeling I'm going to need to set up a page for the project. If I do, I'll post details here.

I'm still looking for:
Chief Mechanic - probably large build, dependable type person

Aerodynamicist geek type person

Blue Touchpaper Specialist and fast runner

Loads of Fodders. (I'll probably recruit most of these on the day of the attempt, but if anyone wants to sign up now, so much the better.)

Blonde woman in shades to bite her lip and look concerned over me.

For all the above positions it would be an advantage if you look good in overalls. (Dress code less restricted for that last one.)

I would like to voulenteer for chef mechanic or housecleaner mechanic, or whatever I may offer. In exchange for the placement of my logo, which is a graphically impossible symbol which can only be translated as tfl3 (the alpha-numeric having something to do with a graph plot in the nth dimension).
So I hear you may attempt the LSR with tea tray in tow? I have a theory on how this would actually increase your speed!
Good Luck
ted

Ted, if you can handle a logo like that, you can handle Doughbird!
You're on the team, and also on the side of the car. (Though you may need to paint it for me. It sounds complicated.)

Doughbird (or more properly Doughbird DPSSC (Donut Powered Supersonic Car) is a unique beast. You'll have to work closely with our as yet non existant Aerodynamageek if you want to stop me becoming a blotch on the side of Mt. Sandcastle. (Avoiding that happening is in the contract by the way.) My main fear is that the spam belt may snap under the strain as we break the sound barrier. Any thoughts?

Oh, and the tea tray attempt is Munchkin's gig. Let's crawl before we can walk,OK?

Oh, right. It's just that the dynamics of a fully laden tea tray are incredible...
Well, mechanically speaking, lets start with a description before I get to work under the bonnet.
BRG I would natrually assume. How many tyres?
ted

Yes, yes definitely BRG.
*Thinks - BRG - Big Round Gooseberry? no.
Blue Ribbed Goalie - no.
Bent Round Gas-tank - lets hope not.
Big Rutting Grunts - no
er.....*
Tyres? Well, that depends on how many sponsors we get. I'm hoping for four.