h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Ray Starr -

We R 3 Ensines in Starr Flete. We work on the CSS Mariposa.

Right now we R being punisht by having to work in the Supplie Rum, becuz we messed up the inventorie and cauzed a Securitee Alert.

But it is no Punishment! Becuz we found a vid console in the back uv the Supply Orfice, and we are watching Teevee! And U R on!

U R the greatest!

We wish Starfleet wuz lik yur show. It is exsiting.

We bet U never haf to recalibrate the lateral censer array.

Yur devoted fans ,

Ensines Smith, Jones, and Davis

PS We no we cant spell too gud - We R sposed to haf lesuns in spelling, if the Captin ever stops punishing us.

[enclosed in the reply letter is a package of dehydrated & capsulized promotional hats & T-shirts (The instructions say, just place a capsule in contact with water...& instant promotional fan-merchandise)]
You folks like the show then? That is good, I am glad.

No, I never have had to really recalibrate a laser array before, only 'mock-ups' of them on the set sometimes (that does sound mighty tricky though. -I'm impressed).
[It (the 'stationary is monogramed): ]
signed,
Ray Starr of ThreeEerht 3

*The three ensigns receive their promotional packages joyfully*

Smith: I say, a hat!

Jones: And a cool T-shirt!

Davis: Wonder if we can wear them on duty?

All three: We love this show!

Advertisement: Coming soon: 'Shumai' & 'Mako' model kits, (as well as one of Razor's 'souped' space fightercraft).

plenty of space-ports & outposts with , "Mall-like 'thingies' " would probably carry posters, one supposes... (after awhile).

Dear Mr. Starr,

You are the best! Do you do your own stunts they are amazing!! Did you always want to be an actor? What else have you acted in? Are these works still shown? I am a cook on the CSS Mariposa. And other than the other night when we all spent most of fourth watch replicating tableware before the senior officer's breakfast, nothing exciting ever happens. Well there was our captain fighting two ferrets climbing him with a screeching cat on his head, and that was rather weird but on a Gheorgheni ship with magical animals anything is possible. We are orbiting an ugly planet now so your show really helps cheer us up.

'enri d'aoust
Chef

, thanks.
have I ever done other things besides acting? Well, I did used to be a band member of this group called Green Nebula back on ThreeEerht 3 (after the band broke up was when I decided to take up acting).
[jokes]: ...gotta find something to do, no?
signed,
Ray Starr of ThreeEerht 3
[enclosed is an old poster of said band which has ray's autograph near the part where he is, playing some type of alien electric guitar]

[There is a side note/'post-it' tacked on almost as an after-thought, though by the appearance of the scrawled writing, it would appear to be about something urgent]. It says:
I wouldn't recommend trying to try and seek out the drummer. He turned out to also be this evil space-warlord, and I think would tend to vaporize people who ask him 'too many' questions .

Dear Ray,

I would never dream of interrogating musicians---they are usually not the most verbally gifted and it frustrates them even if they are not space warlords.

Yours,
'enri D'Aoust
Chef , CSS Mariposa

Ray: [goes & says: "Phew! that's a relief"]
*makes a big 'sigh of relief.'*
[].
[sends another note back]:
That is a good thing too because presently, there would seem to be some sort of trouble relating to him, right here-in the studio(!!)...
P.S. : I just may need to send for 'some help'. *s*
sincerely,
Ray Starr
:"Whatcha writin'?"
Ray: "None of your business..."
[quickly seals and sends the envelope through an express-tube.]
}Shoomp!{

:"Drat! Foiled (once) again. But it will not happen again (again)." <>

announcement: "Please stand by..."
.
"Thank you this has been a test of the galactic anti-tabloid broadcast system. This is not cover up. I repeat not a drill...No, wait,-that's not what i had earlier said! "
There is heard, the sound of the announcer getting hit over the head with a large wooden mallet (is it perhaps hollow? -Who knows?(!)).
Different announcer: (says, repressing actually having an ) : "We would like to now get back to showing our regularly scheduled programming. thank you...(And am ever so about the incompetency of my fellow caster there."

Ray Starr: , now that 'that () mess' 'is all settled (for now I hope...).'
"Hi fans, (& I'm back quicker than you can say out-loud, (& in words) '42'!)."

Oh Ray you send me to the next galaxy and back again. Luv what you do. Tell me did you have many groupies when you were in your band and did you trash hotel rooms and things ! I bet you did you naughty boy!!! You are so dreamy!!!

Nurse Pratchett, CSS Mariposa

Dear Mr Starr

I watch your show every day and I love it and my mum says that I can be a pirate when I grow up if I want so I'm going to be a pirate when I grow up just like you or I might be a farmer instead.

From Bobby

Response letter:
Well, I always tried to be a 'gent.' with 'the ladies' mosta the time y'dig/Y'know? Well,-then there was this one time on Rigel IV. That's where well (almost says, my Ex, but doesn't wish to call upon any soon memory of her , anytime soon)
* opts to...put it into a devious looking set of parenthesis instead.*
'We didn't just trash the entire hotel. I mean, it was left standing,-if that's what people were wondering (tabloids, why-They went & they had a field-day with that! You can imagine, no? In 8 systems for ing out!). Still standing (for awhile...). , They told us not to come back.
Yours truly,
Signed with a neato looking sig. ,
Ray Starr of Three Eerht 3
[Enclosed is a method of correspondence with my , Ex. She and the evil spacewarlord who was once our drummer, are really alright people...for evil-folks anyway that is (I mean). Once they've gone and calmed down (I say give it about 3 weeks, more or less), they'd probably both be more than happy to tell you stories of 'back in the band'...
P.S. : Rather a nifty gift, no? (Just please like, try and keep it 'under-yer-hat' Ma'am, alright? If word got out about this sorta thing...They'd probably get real mad and start trying to conquer systems again, (ruling by an ironfist, etc.). They are an alright sort to 'pop by' for like say a quick luncheon or some though

[Writes]:

To: Bobby
"A real space-":
*pretends to hide for a sec.*
"Say, or a farmer, eh?"
Say, that's .
& That works. If you'd like to both though, and aren't sure which of them 'works better', why-how about a space-viking. Then you get to do some of both.
*gives a thumbs-up.*
[Enclosed is a very, very rare collectors item...because Ray has been a bit moved/touched, what with the most recent set of events (but please, do really let's not go there, ?) and now this?]...
Signed,
Ray Starr of ThreeEerht 3
P.S. enclosed you'll find my very own toy blastergun, from when I was a kid (It's signed by me & the drummer from Green Nebula). If you change your mind one day though about the whole , farmer thing sometime though, you and your folks can always sell it. Then you'll probably be able to start your own band (We do give lessons sometimes, but they are frightfully expensive and usually not less than for the price of 1 yacht.

Oh, what good fun that was!
<< -I'm a nutty ,- aren't I? >>
[Comedic drum cymbal combo. goes off to indicate his punchline].

Ray: Oh will ya's lookit that! Now they've even got ...-in a (pressurized w/compressed air cannon) can. (-Da!) *random celebrity product endorsement*
"It's much better for shooting at things (and stuff)...long range."
*...(Insert product jingle & buy it @ space mart, etc. here)*

Corporate sponsor announcer: If you thought launching pressurized @ stuff was fun, then just wait'll you turn in 2(or 3) proofs of purchase off of the can label, to join the 'I shot at an evil space-warlord' fan club.
Disclaimer: Warning: and puncture the cans

*Thousands of orders come in instantly by Sub-Etha hyperfax*