h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here we go! Another new thread in the career of h2g2's one and only Agony Pirate!


I'm listening. ARR!

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Why do you keep running away, anyway we've pinned you down again. Just for the record mother was a respectable haggis hunter who ran off with a swarthy one eyed corsair, aarrgh, what who said that. Anyway I seem to have given that pirate hussy the slip. Have you seen my ferret sack recently, it wasn't here when I woke up, and the No6 was dissapearing into the distance.

Morning mister d...

scuse me, i have to speak to this gentleman....
PIRATE HUSSY is it??
(grinning, albeit a bit lobsided, ((that peg leg was for someone, unlike meself who's legs didn't go all the way up to here)) produces a large new shining cutlass from behind her back)

darlin..after all the nice things you said... your ferret sack is safe, i've got it in me swag bag 'ere.. we are still friends aren't we?

aye ....can smell the sea

Only if you're gentle with me and treat my ferret with the respect it deserves.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Seeing how we lost the Empire last century I'm not surprised your biscuit is moving. Is it safe to dunk?

Dear Mr. Ross,

Yes it is safe to dunk. But only in tea. And you have to hold it at arms length while dunking in case it goes for your throat.

Right ho, here we go, steaming mug of tea, thank you Mrs Pinny, removes biscuit from reinforced box, arms length, down a bit, down a Arrgh, the b*gger bit me and dived into the tea. MRS PINNY, MORE TEA

Dear Mr Dreadful

I don't know you go away for a day to relax and try and rebuild yoour broken heart and come back to find people have moved again. Takes me back to the time mater and pater sent me to the shop for a packet of fondant fancies and when I go back it was to an empty house and the site of a Pickfords lorry roaring into the distance. Is it any wonder Im scarred for life!

Any hoo to me paticular question.

With the sun shining can you recommend some alternatives rto the usual run of the mill BBQ fodder?

Dai out the back on your back

Dear Dai,

Peppered steak, lemon chicken and chinese pork all make very good barbeque foods.

Noisy babies from pubs. Well marinaded in tomatoe, garlic and oilive oil then slowly spit roast over charcoal. mmmmm

Don't forget the longpig... tastes like chicken y'know...

Yesss, particularly longpig parents that insist on bringing the little brats into pubs, marinade over night and cook directly on the BBQ griddle.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Im having difficulty with the long pig, the little bugger won't stand still long enough for mr to get the skewer in place, can you suggest an alternate and also a suitable drink to accompany the food?

Dai

Dear Dai,

A good alternative to longpig is Fomori (a kind of evil elf), you don't often find them on Earth but they do turn up occasionally. If you can't find Fomori you might just have to use boring old beef.

Rum goes with anything.

Recipe for Fomori Surprise:
Take one dede Fomori, dismember and marry nade yn a sauce of tomatoes and chilly peepers.
Roast until burned.
Serve wyth a grene salad and boiled new potay-toes.
Thee surprise be that the Fomory was ambushed.

did someone say rum?

Dear Mr D

The formori was an excellent suggestion, tasted like chicken with a hint of Dill.

Any suggestions for a desert (other than Rum trifle, I have Aye Bee coming over and you know her and rum, glug glug hallo boys, say nowt)

Dai

Dear Dai,

How about Rum Baa Baa (sheep what's been marinaded in rum with sugar on top).

Dear Mr D

Excellent, I shall go get Maloclm and rosemary the little lambs from the back field and prepare it at once.

What drink would you recommend?

Dai

Dear Mister D

Dai has invited me round for something.... disguised it as a dinner invite but i'm not that easily fooled, as you know

Thing is, i've just washed my hare..it has refused to let me do a thing with it and i cant leave it here on it's own

plus i have nothing clean to wear

should i check my lottery numbers on the way over or leave them till tomorrow?

oh. and should i just go naked? or is that sending out the wrong signals..


aye be.. not doin the bold thing with any more landlubbers...

Dear Mr Dreadful

Well the Rumm baa baa is basting on an open fire, me battered pudding mix is rising nicely and I have a nice bottle of bubbly chilling in the out house.

What music would you recommend to suit the mood?

Dai covered in batter pudding mix