h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Aye Bee

Who's this Breeze guy and why is he stiff?

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I have a problem.

Having been unavoidably absent from h2g2 for many months (tied up with solicitors - the biggest pirates of all, ran out of baby oil, also Turkey and California and other stuff I don't want to talk about) I return to find that not only has my favourite thread moved once again, but also much talk of Premod.

What is Premod, a new virus?

Yours older, but no wiser - Jazzhag

dearest Jazz. good to have u back

but i am eternally nosey, pirates dont get much gossip on the aye seas dont you know..

why were you run out of turkey??
or california for that matter.... i cannot contain my curiosity

oh
and i have just received a 3 gallon drum of baby oil... i'll leave big jar of it for you under the left hand upstairs 3rd from the back seat of the number 6, the 2 o clock one, i'm not sure i'll make the one before that..


aye be buttin in as usual...sorry bout that mister d..

Dear Mr Dreadful

For some reason I appear to be in an Internet cafe in Dahab on the Red Sea, its 43 degrees and Im struggling to find half the characters on this sodding keyboard!

Should I go back to the beach and slap on the baby oil or stay here and see what happens.

Dai in the sun, going very brown and crispy

Dear Jazzhag,

Sorry for the tardiness of my reply but I got turned into a werewolf at the weekend so I'm a bit out of it at the moment.

Pre-mod (preemptivus moderatum) is indeed a virus. Mostly it manifests on individual researchers as a secondary infection of the Troll virus. Unfortunately there was a bit of an epidemic caused by a rare condition known as Beebeecee Industrial Action, but this has cleared up now.

Dear Dai,

Go out on the beach for a while, all this sitting in front of a computer is unhealthy.
That baby oil had better be from free range babies, the conditions in the battery farms (or nurseries as they are also known) can be apalling.

I'll let Aye Be know that you're semi-dressed and oiled up.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Im oiled up like a pilchard I am and glistening in the noon day sun, dont tell Aye Bee she has banned me discussing the state of me tannedness and apparently one pic of me will be enough for her to come screaming in my direction with cutlass swinging.

I can assure you the baby oil has come from the best free range babies, only those reared in natural conditions will do.

I am currently holding "Speak Norn Ireland" for the local kids and they are picking up the lingo a treat, you should here them hassling the tourists and shouting "water boot ye mucker" it brings a tear to the eye it does.

I shall return, tewll Aye Bee Im the third sun bed from the Left just past Achmeds Camel Shop.

Dai pass me a camel this ones done

Dear Mister D
I want to have someone done for insubordinate debauchery

while it was fun at the time
i am now thinking about it a lot and have come to the conclusion that it really shouldn't be allowed

even tho he's very andsome and i rather fancy having him around for a bit.........well..can i do him?

thanks for any advice...


oh and the baby oil was for jazzhag.. not that other fried to a crisp weasel that insists on rubbing in his 'holidayness' to those of us forced to stay home and paint the grate

and incidentally. the baby oil was taken from synthetic babes...there was a consignment, nay whole warehouse, of cabbage patch kids that were doin nothing and had no prospects...we squez em till they produced enough oil to fill a 3 gallon drum then we burned em.
i know it's illegal
go on... do me if you must.. aye be waitin on ya to come with the 'andcuffs for quite some time..... but i understand if you cant, because of previous committments to mrs d etc.....totally understand...... but if you know of anyone.???? you know my address now..tell em the key is under the bucket


ta..aye be livin on paint fumes..

Dear Mr Dreadful

I have returned to base and am suffering from withdrawal symptoms, also really hacked off that it nearly took a DNA sample to convince the immigrations officer the guy in the pic on me passport was in fact me, its such a pain when the sun is your friend believe me, take Aye Bee for example, someone please take her and shut her up PLEASE!!!!

Show of hands from anyone who would like to take Aye Bee?

My problem is this, I am considerng (OK I'll be honest), I thve booked another break in the self same spot for August doing the self same things. Should I mention it to Aye Bee or keep stum and tell her Im of to a conference?

Dai dark and crisp and even

Dear Mr Dreadful

I've just experienced my first Cyber lunch and it was brilliant so much so I cant wait to do it again.

Can over indulgence in cyber lunching add to my waistline?

Dai happy

Dear Dai,

I'd take Aye Be, but Mrs. D would probably chain me to the mizzenmast and flog me (not that that's a bad thing, but I'm not in the mood right now ).

I'm unfamiliar with concept of cyber lunch. I'm assuming it's like cyber sex but with more sandwiches.

Allow me to explain
Cyber lunch is where you are either the meat between 2 nice plump white baps, or if you prefer you can be a hotdog or a banana split or any other inuendo based tasty morsel

you talk about sex and you stuff your face...

basically

my problem is that the desert trolly is never up to standard..

is there anyone that one can complain to in cyberspace about this?

aye be sweet enough thankyou very much

Dear Mr Dreadful


Is there a way that I can stop my 18 month ould sun hiding the Sky remote.


I've tried everything I really have, I've even resorted to the drastic measure of no longer coating the remote in strawberry jam, thinking that if it just tasted of plastic he'd be less likely to take it. But even that doesn't work!!!! and now I'm stuck watching the cricket. Oh please, please help me I beg you.

that should have been 18 month old son by the way I got distracted by the cricket help me quick

Dear Mizzpinky,

You need to make the child fear the remote. Try gluing bits of glass to it or making a scary noise whenever he picks it up.

What's the cricket score by the way?

52-1

Dear Mr D,

I've been caught in the spotlight of publicity using an obscure thread called Useless Facts. Some well meaning Italic inadvertently slipped it onto the front page. can they touch me for it?

Dear Mr. Ross,

I don't think there are any laws against the Italics touching you, but they have to do it behind closed doors and any photographs which result from the encounter cannot be shown to anybody under the age of eighteen.

Hmmm, any Italic trying to tickle my fancy will get a nasty nip from the ferrets I can tell you.

steps forward in a convincingly menacing way.. holding italic (cleverly disguised as sharpest of cutlasses) aloft and shouting profanities such as 'oil sloice yer ears off for a dollar each.... buck-an-ear... bargain if yer asks maeee......

(few swipes of cutlass and some fancy footwork, (quickly straighens moustache, re-covers eye with eye patch and shoves ferret back down boot).....

happy TLAP day to one an all..

i've got some party ideas for ye.... on me t-lap top ..... (wait for it wait for it)... . on theee arrrr droive).....

rum anyone??