h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mr Dreadful,

A big pirate wench, who shall remain nameless, enticed me into the back of her car with a bag of sweeties. It's not true that I promised her a big bang. Modesty prevents me saying what ensued but now she's outed me on a very dubious thread.

What do you reccommend. Shyster, Grabit and Push, Lawyers to the Stars or Big Larry and the boys.

Quick she doesn't know I'm here.

Dear Mr. Ross,

I'd recommend Big Larry and the boys, it's the only legal way.

Did she spill rum on herself and say "Arr! I'd best be gettin' out of these wet things"? Sorry, lost my internal monologue there...

It sounds like you speak from experience and that's good in a therapist, oops sorry, Agony Pirate.

Well it was going very well, as well as can be expected when you're trying to pretend the backseat of a Metro is the upstairs of the No 6, oohh my back is still giving me jip, but the baby oil helped, especially when she whipped out those rum drenched melons, started swinging her cutlass and shouting 'Come on Bertie lets see what you've got down there'.

I mean, can you blame the ferrets for panicking and seeking refuge in the nearest convenient orifice.

cooo eeeeeeee
my little ferret fancying dumplin..

squeeeeeeek!!! there you are cutie.... ooo ay been lookin fer yer all over

*grabs him in a bear hug and slips some sweeties in his pocket where they are promptly eaten by a ferrett..

then turns and reads computer over his shoulder..

drops him*

oh

oh
right

big larry eh?

*turns 2 big teary eyes on him *


well. just so you know.. that lovely dinner i cooked you last night.. the stew?.....

how many ferrets have you got?? mmmmm??? missing any are ya

nobody crosses aye be and comes away unscathed. nobody i says

*Puts a comforting arm around Aye Be's shoulder.*

How about you come back to my galleon for a bit of rum?

Eeek sorry

Scampers for the door

I'll never forget the look of wonderment that crossed those big black Pirate eyes as the ferrets dissapeared and you looked up and saw me standing at the other end of the back seat

Eeek put that cutlass down you'll have someones eye out

big Larry? Is his brother Darrell. nodding knowingly at Ayebee

well they didn't go up there!!!!

theres iron gate and portcullas and moat and all sorts up there.
they'd ne'er make it alive i tell ya

ha ha ha... you aint gettin far on them fluffy mules.. who ever heard of pink fluffy mules anyway.. are they born like that or is it 4 hours in the hairdressers to get that lovely colour.....just dotey aren't they..

NOW.....BERTIE??? COME BACK 'ERE...
i have a masters in 'ed 'ackin oil 'ave yer know

wont' be me losin me 'ed today....

OH.. big larry.. howzitgoin mate? *slaps him on the back....big mistake.*...

errrrr... lovely day init?? *backs off and whimpers as back comes up against one of larry's 'friends' *

*scribbles quickly.....'dear Mister D.. in a bit of bother.. any chance you could call mother and tell her to take the victoria sponge out of the oven at about quarter to...it's a bugger to get it just right u know and i've got people comin to dinner...... FERRET STEW.. HAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... *

Dear Aye Be,

So that's a 'no' to my offer then?

I'll contact your mother when I'm back on the ship.

no no. i didn't hear your offer.. i'll go back with you

just give me one minute.......eeeeeerrrrrrrghhhhhh

*big larry (darrell's best friend) hits the back wall

KEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRUNNCCCHHHHHHH... sound of something crunching under steel capped toe and a curious howling from victim....quite melodious in a funny way...
Ayebee brushes hands together and grins....*

gis a glass o that thar rum and we'll be off pet..

*Hands Aye Be the rum*

The bed in my cabin is very comfortable by the way...

oh yeah?
where are you gonna sleep (loud voice, lookin nervously round for Mrs D)..

*Also loud voice*
I'll sleep below decks with the crew...

*brrrrrr.. by jingo.. it's cold in these y'ere beds of a night* (muffled giggling..)...ahem ..

sweeties??? hmmmm??

dont eat em in bed now.. we dont want sticky sheets

Don't worry I'll keep yer warm... just come a little closer...

Ooh... Mmmm... Wow...


These humbugs are really nice!

mmm mmm mm ..

long pause..

sorry

mother told me never to talk with me mouth full

yes. humbugs are nice but i prefer something hot on my tongue....

what!! what!!!!
fisherman's friend....


you derrrrrty derttty...('arold steptoe voice)

Personally I like to suck on something big and soft.

*Looks at Aye Be with a lusty glint in his eye.*

Got any Clarnico Mint Creams?

no.....

would these do.....

lights go out....


MISTER DREADFUL!!!!! CONDUCT YOURSELF
WELL I NEVER....

(muffled noises)

right! i'm off. the 11.47 number 6 is due bout now and i need to get my ass in gear. i need to have a little word with bertie...
cant have that larry following me about. i have stuff to do, people to see..

.. we must do it again sometime luvvie...
your turn to get the sweeties...

(tidies hair and shoves cutlass in the belt of hotpants.. checks ass in the mirror and marches out without looking back..)