h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Aye Be,

Don't go naked! This ain't Port Royal y'know... It doesn't matter that you've got nothing clean to wear, it's not like people expect pirate wenches to be spotless and gleaming.

Dear Dai,

Sea shanties, while appropiate wouldn't really create the right atmosphere... I suggest the unique stylings of Mulligan and O'Hare.

I beg your pardon
i'm never anything, but spotless and gleaming...

oh....maybe that's me problem?
should i be a bit...ehh.. dirtier?

I decided against it in the end.. he had no rum trifle.... i just couldn't see meself sitting there, naked, trying to make polite conversation and sipping sweet sherry and watching videos of him in a latex outfit running around a field with a priest after him????? what on earth was that all about...

my problem this morning is this

I had a bar of swiss chocolate in my fridge for the past week and was looking forward to sitting down and having today with a cup o grog for my 11's
but it's gone
i live alone
could i have eaten it without my knowledge?

aye be..

Dear Mr Dreadful

Well the Rum BAa Baa was flamed to perfection, the grog warmed to blood hea and the atmosphere made all the better by the arrival of a neked Aye Bee and a bar of swiss chocolate.

Im too much of a gentleman to dicuss anythiing further other than the fact those zzzzeds should be listed as a national tresure, but I am a bit concerned.

As I left her at the <bus) stop early in the morning (what do we do with the drunken etc etc) she seemed to b having difficulty finding her keys and was mumbling to herself. Not only that but she left her bar of Swiss chocolate in the kitchen half eaten, not the sort of behaviour you would expect from a Pirate Wench with a masters and gold clusters.

Is ADD common amongst masterful Pirate wenches?

Dai with a smile on his face

Dear Aye Be,

Don't worry, drunkeness often causes memory loss.

Dear Dai,

Probably. I've never known any for long enough to establish an accurate mental history, but now that I think about it the fact they tend to lose interest in my advances and move on to the next dashing pirate cap'n does suggest some kind of inability to focus.

Dear Mr Dreadful.

Focus! Thats what she was shouting at 2 in the morning, hard to hear when your ears are covered.

So can you suggest a remedy for the condition or is it better to let sleeping doogs lie and slip a new bar of Swiss Chocolate through her letter box in the hope she thinks she left it behind the door?

Dai in a dilema

Dear Mr D

Well it sounded a bit like focus!

Dai

Dear Dai,

Put the bar of chocolate through her letterbox as planned, but make sure it's laced with ritalin. This will help the ADD.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Excellent point on the ritalin, however Im not sure if I want to help the ADD right away, I have a problem you see, it all started about 2.30 when she sw me new digital cam corder.......

Should I destroy the evidence or keep stumm?

Dai in peril

Dear Dai,

Mum's the word...

Dear Mr Dreadful

Who's Mum, hers or mine?

Dai

Dear Mr Dreadful

This has absolutely nothing to do with any previous postings or peoples living or dead, its a technical question and something you could help me with.

I am attemppting to copy a digital video tape of last years Pirate games, I want to make in the region of 3000, odd copies initially to see if there is a market for Piratical Games out there.

What equipment would I need to purchase to maintain high quality transfers?

Dai

Dear Dai,

Wrong sort of pirate me hearty! I think it involves being able to rig up several DVD/VCRs to the same source but all these cables just confuse me. My personal approach would be to storm the HQ of the Pirate Games and demand 3000 copies at cutlass point.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Damn and blast I heard a report on the news last week saying people were making millions out of pirate videos.

Any ideas on how I can make millions?

Dai

Dear Dai,

For a start there are the merchant ships carrying silk and spices from the Far East. They're a good source of income. The slave ships going from Bristol and Liverpool to the American Colonies are not only a good source of income but a good source of crew (them slaves like to get revenge on the slavers y'see). Ships carrying tourists can be held to ransom for quite a tidy sum. Oil tankers can make you millions but be careful not to run them aground, the Greenpeace Elite Guard can be deadly with a tofu burger. Finally nuclear submarines are brilliant, you can hold whole countries to ransom but you need to be careful for two reasons 1) if you only pack tins of beans to eat it can get a little stuffy after a while and 2) if Sean Connery is on the crew he'll have it from under your nose faster than you can say 'shurely shome mishtake.'

aye'll be wantin a cut... a big cut or it'll be you'll be getting the cut
the pair o ye..

Anybody know where i can buy a pirate memory game?

aye be

Dear Aye Bee

Would that be for ages 8 and up?

Dai ( sorting out Aye Bee's cut)

Dear Mr Dreadful

Im sorting out a very big cut and it's taking some sorting.

Do you have any Savlon?

Dai up to the elbow in a big cut

Dear Dai,

Here ye go, matey!

*Hands over a Family Sized tub of Savlon*