h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'd just like to say at this point MaW, that I'm English, and I really was offering up my post in the interests of fairness.

I think that it raised many valid points, although I'm not sure it would cure the welfare claimant problem.

However, I do think we should insist on a clear definition of football, i.e., it should refer to the game where you have to control the ball with your feet, as ordained by God.

That said, I don't care what the currency's called, as long as get get things for the same price as they do in the US.

Re. the NTSC thing. We'll accept this if you agree to use 625 lines instead of the fuzzy mess that is 525 lines.

Also, sorry to be picky, but the James Bond films are not strictly speaking Hollywood films in the traditional sense. They are not made in Hollywood by a Hollywood studio.

I'm all confused now...

Oh well. That what happens when you stop paying attention for more than five minutes at a time.

Another thing I'd like us to keep is the NHS.

Yes please. But can the Millennium Dome be dismantled and shipped over to the States? It's just wasting space here, but the USA has lots of desert that nobody uses for anything, so they could put it there.

Yeah, they could use the dome for a sports team, and then people might actually want to go there.

Or they could put it next to the old London Bridge.

But isn't there a bit of London there already?

Notice to the People of London:

We, the people of the United States of America, have noticed your slow, subtle attempts to move the entire city of London to Arizona. When considering the depressing climate of that area, we can understand why the desert of Arizona would have so much appeal. And, as it has ever been our design to provide refuge for the downtrodden of all nations, we will gladly accept the town of London, Arizona. However, in order to protect the unsuspecting Arizonans, certain conditions will have to be implemented:

- Nowhere on the Statue of Liberty does it say "Give us your rich, your snobby, your ne'er-do-wells and just plain jackasses." Therefore, the royal family will not be permitted to stay.

- The streets will not be permitted to be the narrow, winding confines so popular in Europe, but will be redesigned to broad, straight avenues to accomodate the automobile. You will then be permitted to drive real American cars, after which you'll find those German penalty-boxes to be far too confining. You will also be forbidden to install those silly roundabouts, which are really just an accident waiting to happen. You'll then be instructed that there are only two sides of the road on which a car may travel... the right side, and the wrong side.

- The Millenium Dome will not be relocated. We thought it was a pretty silly idea to begin with, and we don't need a sports dome in the desert. The air-conditioning bills alone would bankrupt any teams that tried to play there.

- Soccer games may be imported to the town, but you must call it soccer. Riot police will attend every game, and will carry rubber bullets and tear gas. Towering electric fences will seperate the fans from the playing field. It's for your own good, really. Conditions will be relaxed depending on the ability of the fans to behave themselves, demonstrated over a period of time. In the meantime, real men's sports like football and hockey will be made available to you. Fighting with your neighbor during a hockey game is permitted, but try not to bump into the spectators around you. We prefer to keep things personal.

In every other way, you may continue on with your lives, culture, and traditions, which can only help to enrich the culture of the US. For instance, we find your spellings to be quite charming, reminiscent of our childhood spelling lessons and Dan Quayle. And your culture will gain as well, not the least because of the accessibility to top-quality dental care. We look forward to paving the ground for New London, and now that you've taken the Spice Girls back, there is no longer any reason for delay.

If American Football is a "mans game" why do the players appear to be wearing nappies? (That's diapers to you, I suppose )

The nappies are there, presumably, since they so seem to enjoy knocking the s**t out of each other for hours at a time. The ball itself is secondary, you know.

Nowhere on the Statue of Liberty does it say "Give us your rich, your snobby, your ne'er-do-wells and just plain jackasses."

It's amazing how many of them managed to get in, then

I've noticed a distressing tendency of late for Rugby players of both codes to wear padding. *pauses to light pipe* It weren't like that in my day - just a gumshield and a jock strap. Scrum caps were for poofs.

Mind you, the padding does seem to enable Jonny Wilkinson to put in some fearsome tackles on 2nd row forwards.

PAL surely is the better system, as it ensures the right colo(u)r. Stands for Phase Alternate Line, which means that the phase (the way the colors are coded) is alternated by 180 degrees on every other line prior transmission, and again is inverted in your TV. Transmission errors cancel themselfs out that way, when watched from a certain distance. Much better than Never The Same Color. PAL was invented by, you guessed, a German.

* returns from the Statue of Liberty with spraypaint all over him *

What do you mean, nowhere does it say "Give us your rich, snobby ne'er-do-wells" and so forth? Go have a look at what it says now!

* displays picture of the Statue of Liberty, which is now adorned with the words "Welcome, snobs of Britain! Free cocktails for all!" *