h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The traditional 30 minutes of subdued muttering as drinks fall perilously close to the refill mark has, this year, an undertone of "Wot? 'Celebration of Life'? Worzzat all 'bout, then?"

With a reluctance hitherto only afforded to barmen in a Toby Carvery, the curtains swoosh aside, raising three inches of dust that instils paroxyms of coughing into the first three rows. The set this year is lit with warm golden glows, featuring cherubim, seraphim and - in a misplaced sense of linguistics - Francis Pym. A jaunty piano riff blares from the speakers as our host enters.

Mu Beta seems this year to be shorn of the alcoholic stupor that lingered over previous Deat... -er- Celebration Of Life lists. Indeed he waltzes on, bare-chested and open-jacketed in Riverdance style. Belying his lower half's impressive jiggle of a tap-dance, his moobs and beergut perform something of a synchronised quickstep under the gold lighting; many audience members are eerily beminded of the Taj Mahal in profile.

Not that the entertainment ends there, oh no. For Mu Beta is about to crack his mellow baritone ("like cracking the ice on a virginal sewer pipe", according to one critic), and afford us a song. The piano mellows to a Sintra-esque jazz number as our host's phlegmy bellows fill the hall...

"Celebrations
Save us from orations
From people who want to Mod our thread.

Now we rejoice
In honourous voice
Because we're not allowed to call people dead.

Fifteen celebrities
Will be dodging the mortuaries
As you predict this year's fatality

But don't mention 'death'
Within the same breath
As any form of jocular banality

So as we re-name
Our innocent game
Please remember this one proviso

We celebrate life
And aim not to cause strife
And a city in North Italy is Trevisooooo!"

The last line gives several connoissurs of musical form the impression that the songwriter had run perilly short of ideas, but is uttered with conviction in a castralto that would delight Stephen Fry, causes several crystal wine glasses to vibrate worryingly and sets off a chain reaction of canine baying from well beyond the walls. Mu Beta rounds off this performance by pulling a hip flask from within his tights, necessarily re-adjusting his codpiece and swigging deeply.

As the alcohol strikes home, our hero suddenly realises that he is half-naked in front of a crowd of cynics with a prosthetic jockstrap that is now incongruously directed at about 45 degrees to the perpendicular. He hurriedly adopts a posture more readily identified with nervous first-time divers on the ten-metre board. From his hunched position he mutters a hasty congratulation to the_john_m, who was last year's winner, turns and waddles off straight into a bare-breasted seraphim. The bare breasts naturally provide him with a moment's happy distraction, before he makes the worrying decision that he'd rather prefer the papier mache statue of Francis Pym. Several paperazzi take the opportunity to flash photographs of a dignified Tory Foreign Secretary in a drunken embrace with a half-naked bearded man, before deciding it probably wouldn't make front page news these days.

Thankfully, Galaxy Babe, the wonderful glamorous new assistant of the Deat... -er- Celebration Of Life List prevents the whole set-up from descending into shambles (again) by taking centre-stage and pointing people towards some important links:

A78963529 - Homepage
A78975030 - Scoreboard

Could we get extra points if we have managed to edit the famous person's wikipedia entry prior to their 'departure') with spurious information that then gets repeated in at least one recognized media source?

Only if you say that so-and-so posted regularly to the popular BBC social media site h2g2 under the name 'Nighthoover'.

Well that's the first intro that manages to be in worse taste than the game itself.

My congratulations

Pure genius!

Good... er... luck everyone.

"wonderful" "glamorous"

*swoon*

Anyone that you fancy keeping alive for another 12 months, let me know. The famous Reddyfreddy "kiss-of-life" has worked wonders on past contenders for an obvious ferry trip with Charon* such as Ariel Sharon, *** Fidel Castro, and Al-Megrahi. I will again be including a former PM on my list in the hopes of keeping her alive for another year (so you might as well delete her from yours now), whilst conspicuously leaving another former PM off my list in the hopes that he...celebrates his life for less than the 366 days!

RF

* Actually, he's retired. I understand that you now give your £1 coin** to his daughter, Sharon.

** Inflation.

*** No relation.

Uncanny resemblance to Stavros Flatley there, Mu. Well done

21 players for the 2011 Celebration Of Life game, unless there's any more? Deadline is midnight tonight (4 more hours)

So did I win the 2010 list or what?

See post 1 - the_jon_m won it, it says.

Yes I think you did - Mu's drunken alter ego has awarded the prize to the wrong person

Here, have a bog brush

Crikey, we didn't get much time!

Yes, I'll be adding names of people I want to survive the next 366 days onto my list, possibly some time this weekend. As the people on my lists always seem to have a high survivability rate, I will be including only one former PM on it.

I'll try to update over the weekend...is there a realistic deadline for inclusion?

RF

You just beat me to it Bea

I was about to post something similar about B being when he looked at the scoreboard.

With 55 points, yes The Groob, you won. have a bog brush from me too.

Emmily

I think you may be too late, RF - GB has started to publish the lists. I suggest you send her what you have now and ask very politely.

I can't believe how much I've missed doing the 'list' this year, so I have a suggestion if it's okay with GB and B.

For next year how about if I do the Homepage and list and GB does the Scoreboard, and B does what he's good at, the intro and settling any disputes.

Any comments on that?

Emmily

I'm 1/3 of the way through publishing the lists (7 out of 21 so far), and I've had a grandson born this morning, so it's going to be a slow job doing the rest. I *was* going to prepare it all in advance and publish the full thing just after midnight but I was waiting up for news and went to bed anticipating an early call this morning. So if your list arrives in my email account before I've finished checking spelling, checking they're still breathing, putting them into alphabetical order and listing them separately, then I'll accept your list RF

Not sure I understand what you mean Emmily, do you want the game back for 2012? I think it would be a bit complicated doing it between us.

The prize is a bog brush?!

I thought Mu put those aside to deal with people who disapprove of the deathlist game?

I've got as far as minichessemouse but it's now so I'll have to leave it for now as #1 grandson is here, so am about to lose the PC.

Hmmm, it seems the ruse of changing the name didn't make it yikes-proof after all...