h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am compiling an entry in Bagpipes and am including a section on jokes about bagpipes and pipers. I already have a few but I need more. If anyone knows some or would like to make some up and let me know I would be most gratitudinal (new word for the day!) Cheers BFM.

Working as I do in an office in the upper end of Edinburgh's Royal Mile, and subject to up to four different bagpipe players, all in different keys (or none), at different speeds and of different abilities, for eight hours a day, most of the things we say about bagpipes are NOT FUNNY! (gritted teeth there!) When we do make jokes we of course recycle quite a fe applicable to many subjects, eg, What's the difference between a cattle grid and a set of bagpipes?

You would slow down to drive over a cattlegrid...

hmm...

I've been to a bagpipe factory. Rather interesting actually. But do you have the one about the squid and the bagpipe? If not you can find it under Tell Us A Joke from not that far ago.

Q: Name two things worse than a bagpipe.
A: Two bagpipes.

"He would listen to the record of bagpipe music. He would listen to it, every last banshee wail of it. Then he would call her. That is what he would do."

Ever since i first read that bagpipes have been accompanied by the phrase "every last banshee wail".

I used to live opposite a fire station in Glasgow where the regemental pipe band would practice. It made a change from the sirens.

I'm a tin-whistle player, myself, but most of the jokes made about us and our instrument can apply to bagpipes and pipers. There's the traditional quote: "Pay the piper a penny to play and tuppence to leave off." There's only one joke that immediately springs to mind (tailored for bagpipes):

Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

I'll just go see if I can find any more.

Here are some jokes taken from Pat Ashley's tin-whistle page and adapted for bagpipes.

"Gentleman" defined: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Why do people hate bagpipes right off the bat? Saves time.

How can you tell the difference between bagpipe tunes? By the names.

What's the difference between a snake and a set of bagpipes in the road? People MIGHT swerve to miss the snake.

If you got lost in the woods, and you came across a piper that played very well, a piper that played badly, or Santa Claus, which one should you ask for directions? The pipe that plays badly. The other two show you have been having hallucinations.

Then there was the whistler who remembered that he had left his $1000 bagpipes in his unlocked car. Rushing back, he opened his car door to find two more sets in the back seat.

Definition of an optimist: A piper with a pager.

How do you get two pipers to play in unison? Shoot one.

What do you call a piper with half a brain? Gifted.

Why can't a gorilla play bagpipes? He's too sensitive.

What's the range of bagpipes? Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

How do you get a piper to play slower? Give him some sheet music.

What's the difference between bagpipes and an onion? No one cries when you chop up a bagpipes.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing bagpipes into a dumpster without them hitting the sides.

If you are in front of a piper, Osama bin Laden, Hitler and Bill Gates and have a gun with only two bullets in it, who should you shoot?
The piper twice.

38-J

JOTD: Practice makes perfect. But nobody's perfect, so why practice?