h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

how open can you be on this site? who's out there to respond to this message and not come back with 'obvious' answers that I don't already know?

my depression is not just about living with someone with depression. it's not just about Him but I know it's also about me and MY depression.

I have an ego the size of Everest and the patience the size of a cotton wool when it comes to 'dealing' with His depression. how could I be so awful and get annoyed and end up being cross with him for the way he is. maybe I'm cross with myself and using Him as a punchbag.

I've read books, I've surfed the net but still no success - maybe he is right, I am NOT the person who can help him feel or become better. I can live with that if there is someone else to help him or us - well, you can PAY for 'help' but we haven't got the money for it. other 'priorities' as most of us know would take a huge chunk of our waking time and effort and hard earned cash.

I'm now going on this 'LIVING LIFE TO THE FULL' online course but I still feel awful, well it's early days yet (optimistic? moi?)

as for those other obvious answers which would be - to rely on friends? what friends? haha..I notice everyone is either too busy hiding behind computer screens as we are or too wrapped up in their own world to bother about us. you only hear from 'friends' when they need something fixed or have exhausted all other social options

to rely on families you say? haha..MY family's only resolve is to judge and slag and keenly waiting for the moment the jump and cheer their 'we told you so' and having lived through years of emotional blackmail from a possessive mother I think I'll pass on that front. His family? well when they've put Him in the same box where all other 'black sheeps' are you know they would just nod and shrug and turn their heads back to their cups of tea and sausage rolls

the GPs? well they just (again) say the most obvious things - lose weight, do some exercise, quit smoking and have some fun..DUH! if only these things are available in abundance on the 'clerance aisle' in Asda

anti-depressants? no thanx, we're both already suicidal remember?

I've never been one to stay indoors - always out doing stuff, always somewhere to go, lots of people to hang out with, but now I'm a recluse just like my husband and I would resent Him when I have to be the one to go out on some errands (that's the only thing to do)but I do it because of my 'package' so I am always the one who is 'less depressed' and have had a lot of Malaysian 'training' to put up a brave & 'everything is fiiiiiiiiiine' front to just get up & go

I don't feel any better writing this as I feel so pathetic and alone, and probably hearing someone puking in the background and rolling their eyes at me.

He's in the other room and I'm in another room, problem solved? NOT

How do you deal with a man who's been subjected to being bullied by his older brother (until now) and ignored by his parents? How do you deal with a man who also knows ALL the obvious answers as you but has his hands tied because he carries toxic from bad family relation and a horried ex? CBT? therapy? nope, He WONT go see anyone because they'll all tell him the same thing he already knows. go out more? nope, he has a seriously low opinion of himself and wont want to be seen and judged by the outside world

I am crap at making him feel better because I feel like sh*t myself. It's a viscious circle of 'I'll be happy when you are' when neither one of us ever is

sorry for getting anyone 'sick', down or bored with this piece but I'm so totally lost and I need some help. I'm not special I know, but I still count don't I?

Dear Lostbrownsugar

If you’re feeling in despair or suicidal, it could make all the difference to talk to someone about what you’re going through. You could talk to your GP/family doctor, or to someone who is trained to help. Medical professionals and counselors will be more equipped to help you deal with the problems that you may be experiencing.
Please try to speak to your GP, or talk to someone at the Samaritans, their contact details are below:

The Samaritans

Telephone: 08457 90 90 90
Website: http://www.samaritans.org/index.shtml
Email: [email protected]

Take care,

Auntie Beeb

Hi lostbrownsugar.

I think you'll find there are quite a few people who have been or are going through some of what you're going through now. No two people or situations are exactly the same of course, but the combined experiences are all here.

Probably the best thing to do initially is exactly what you are doing now - talking about it with complete strangers. It can be quite cathartic as you possibly know. I'm sure others will be along soon to talk, but this site is always quieter on a weekend. It gets busier during office hours Mon-Fri for some weird reason. I don't know why that is. You'd think people would be too busy using office computers for work.

So instead you're stuck with the likes of me for now I'm afraid.

Hi ... I thought about some stuff to write but eventually felt it was perhaps a little glib or maybe even unhelpful.

Depression is a tough disorder to go through. You may know what the 'right' thing to do is, but it holds you back; stops you from wanting to do it.

Celebrate every little success, however small or insignificant you may think it is. Please do post them if it helps. Good luck, I'll put a little prayer in for you tonight

<>

Don't apologise for your post!
It's certainly not boring!

Depression is a really tough issue. I went through a long spell of depression, quite a few years ago now. Eventually it seems I've come out the other side. It's very difficult to get through, but you've got to keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

You both have my support, for what it's worth.

I used to find writing a tremendous help when I was having a depressive episode. Or for that matter, doing anything that means something to you. Sure, most of my writing was silly and unbearably gloomy, but it helped me find some kind of meaning in life. Slowly my writing improved.

And yes, talking really helps a lot. So it's good to have you on board, lostbrownsugar!

My advice is to just keep talking about it no matter how small it is.

what the italic said.

good luck in your journey.

thanx auntie beeb,
my gp's on a one week holiday at the moment and his 'helper' is completely hopeless.

Hi Lostbrownsugar,

Just keep talking about it and believe me it helps --- sometimes the impersonal feeling of typing it out can be a start. So we're all with you whenever you want. Good Luck IMO you've taken the first step on the road to recovery

lostbrownsugar... wow, strange reading your life like it’s reading my own..
Though I know that your depression is different. Everybody’s is different.

Blokes - don't know what to do when they're depressed, I’m just trying to remind him of the bright sides. They treat it as the same as anything else that's wrong with them i.e. it’ll probably go away by itself if they wait long enough. If there's something wrong with us women, we tend to do something about it to fix it, I'm sure every woman knows one bloke with some long standing medical condition they won't do anything about!

I only offer my own experience:
Paying for help - never did that. Thought about it, but it made me even more depressed to think that I had to pay somebody to listen to me. It still should be an option though; my better brain now says that you're not paying because you've got no friends to listen - you're paying because you are seeing a professional. You pay for a dentist, you pay for a head doctor.
Samaritans - never did that. I always thought that I’d be wasting their time phoning them, because I’d be stopping the ‘really bad’ people from getting through. The ones who literally may have pills in one hand and booze in the other, despite the fact that I was driving on roads at stupid speeds (only of course if no other cars around, I didn’t want to hurt anyone else), because I was half hoping I’d slip and crash and that would be the end of it all. (Ah the daydream of the supposedly blissful ‘end’. It ain’t right though – for a start we don’t know for sure that’s it.) Again though, Samaritans should be an option, that is what they are there for, and people should call them, if only because it may help prevent them getting to a point where they have pills in one hand and booze in the other.
Friends - tried talking a bit to one, but she'd always come back with "everybody gets down at times", and I never said "no, it's worse than that!". Also there was the fear of scaring people off, I thought if they knew, they'd think I was weird and depressing and wouldn't want to be around me then I'd really have no friends, at all. In a way, really, I still think that.
Family - part of the problem!
I didn’t go to the doctor, though I think I perhaps should’ve done. My food intolerances went into overdrive, I think it was psychosomatic (sp?), odd things would make my body shut down and I’d have the shakes, like when you’re freezing cold, apparently I’d lose all the colour from my skin too. I couldn't go out on my own, sometimes I'd get outside the front door, but then my chest would tighten and once you can’t fill your lungs, your body panics even more. Every now and then it seemed my body would have a panic attack just for the fun of it. OH would talk to me until I calmed down. Now, I recognise the feeling, make a point of lowering my shoulders, slowing my breathing, and finding something to distract me, eventually I realise it has passed.
I tell you these things because maybe you’re already experiencing them, and it’ll help you to think “woah, I am ill, maybe I should go see someone”. (And maybe it’s cathartic for me.) There is counselling available on the NHS, tell your doctor *exactly* how bad you’re feeling. If he doesn’t want to send you to a professional (remember he’s only a GP, he doesn’t specialise in psychology), try finding out what you need to do to see another doctor.

Sometimes I had to remind my OH that it wasn’t a competition about who's more depressed. He’s still stuck in there, and I don’t think he’ll come out till he leaves the place he’s working at (the same place that played a great part in bringing me down), but it’s helping him that he isn’t expecting to come home to a depressed girl. Recently it struck me that I was all tense and blue before he came home, because I knew he’d come home moaning. When one day he came home happy, my mood lifted instantaneously. Since then I’ve made more of an effort to give him a cheery hello when he/I get home from work, then maybe if he is blue, it’ll puff away.
It’s not a competition about who is more depressed, I don’t know why it sometimes feels like it should be. Maybe when you’re down, you think if you are being affected worse than anyone else, it’ll justify the not doing anything. I don’t know how much worse or easier my depression was compared to anyone else, and it shouldn’t matter. The only thing that does matter is you concentrating on trying to get you better.


On the bright side – you are trying to get better. That’s what I did, kept trying to look on the bright side, of everything. And reminding the boyfriend to do it too. In the end, I did kinda snap out of it. I use that (pithy and annoying) phrase, because one day, I had just left home, was driving up the road, a thought struck me and I said out loud to myself “meanwhile, back in the real world”. And it was, like I had snapped back into the real world. I wasn’t quite better, every month I thought I was, and every month I’d realise I was better than the last. Now I’m kinda back to normal, but in a way, I’m glad the experience taught me to watch out for that sinking feeling, and if I feel it creeping up, make a point of doing something, even if it’s just sticking loud music on until I have to move my body around, or making plans to do something at the weekend.


One thing that is good - you came back and posted a second time. H2G2 is a brilliant place to hang around, if you want you can put off thinking about being depressed and talk about cp for hours, it has often cheered me up. Also, eating greens will chemically affect your brain in a positive way. I bought DVDs by Lee Evans / Eddie Izzard so we could have a movie night. Maybe save for a light-box (I know I am) to stave off the winter murk.

I also apologise to any of the community for the possibility of bringing them down, but these things are always, to quote a phrase, better out than in.

None of it is easy, but it will pass. You will get better.

p.s. I only tell you my story because maybe you'll feel less pathetic and alone. I want this thread to remain about you.