h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I keep whining on about this to people I know. It also seems to be ending up creeping into in more and more of the threads I’m posting on. I can’t help but think everyone must want me to ‘shut the f**k up and stop whining on about it’ by now. I probably would in their shoes. So I’m going to post it all, here, in one post to get it out of my system and then try to leave it alone. If you have comments/advice feel free I don’t see you making it any worse. But really this is just me venting steam so if you want to ignore me feel free – everyone else does.

I am not in a relationship. With one exception I have never been in a relationship. That exception I will describe with the phrase ‘unmitigated total catastrophe’ because nothing worse comes to mind. Normally I wouldn’t care, at all. Something has been eroding my willpower since I came to uni. Time was I could switch emotions on and off like a light I come here and second week of the first semester I don’t eat any meals for a week and a half because I start to feel I have problems. (And I suppose because of that I do – self fulfilling prophecy) I have a tendency to forget to eat for a few days at a time but that’s different.

What really bugs me is that I know some people who are in relationships which are/may become unstable. They tend to warn me its probably better not to. Thanks for the effort guys but something struck me last night. If everything goes wrong, in precisely the way you want it not to you end up outside of a relationship with no way of speaking to the person you should be in a relationship with. Your worst case scenario is the situation that I am in and it does not look likely to change any time soon.

So now here I am, losing time, energy, meals and sleep to an event which hasn’t actually happened, specifically because it hasn’t happened and it is beginning to drive me (further) insane. So we have two solutions. One remove drive to get into a relationship. Two get into a relationship.

Lets look at one. What’s causing the problem? It could be a chemical reaction in my brain leading to the emergence of a heightened sex drive – though its been around for ages I just have found it harder to suppress recently. In which case I’m buggered unless I want to sort it with psychoactive drugs (which I do not) It could be that my ability to satisfy the drive with external stimuli (yes I am talking about porn in an operationalisable manner – I challenge you to find an 18yr old male with an internet connection who hasn’t used it) in which case there is no solution (I could try to up the intensity and dosage until the feeling goes away but this would be a recursive process and go nowhere not to mention that there is no emotional attachment and it seems more likely that this is what is lacking) Finally it could be the change in my social circle – I know a lot more people in relationships than I did before. It could be that comparing their happiness to mine has brought about this recent bout of discontentedness (which may or may not count as depression I’ll look up the definition when I can be bothered) Again no solution to this unless I am willing to destroy some positive relationships, which I am not.

Okay so what about getting into a relationship. Well in order of effect the problems are
(1) Meeting people
(2) Liking them
(3) Them giving me the time of day
(4) Them liking me
(5) Phobia of Kissing
(6) The other thing.
Firstly. I have trouble meeting people. I don’t like crowds and I don’t drink, this tends to limit the number of ways I can meet people. Normally its through shared hobbies – the problem is that the things I am involved in are all male dominated and don’t require too many people. I can’t small talk to save my life. I have to be talking *about* something that is either relevant (i.e. I need to base an action upon it) or interesting (i.e. Something deeper than what is normally considered acceptable to bring up on a first meeting – normally I do anyway and that leads to problems with pint 3)
Then I have to like them. I am cursed with being extremely selective in this matter. I have only found two attractive women (One was married, one was gay do I need to point out the irony) There are a lot of pretty women in the world but I only find the vast minority actually attractive.
Then they have to give me the time of day. My appearance does me no good here. Imagine a mule, drag it through a hedge and run over it with a lawnmower a couple of times. Hit it with a bus for good measure. Now your close. There’s nothing naturally wrong – I just learned grooming through trial and error (That doesn’t sound too bad? Try learning to shave by trying things until you get it right. Ouch.) and don’t do it nearly as much as I should. This is probably the easiest obstacle to overcome, it just needs a little effort on my part.
If we get to the point that I actually managed to meet someone I like and they’ve started talking to me (will wonders never cease) then they need to like me. Now very few people on h2g2 have met me, and I’ve not been around well enough to be well known to any extent. Lets just say I have unusual views on most things. From things as basic as music right up to the society everyone takes for granted I seem unable to agree to a majority opinion. This isn’t a problem in itself – only the majority get called that because there are lots of them. Coincidently that means there are less of us, less likely that the person I’m talking to is in any way interested in my opinions. Not to mention that I have the most twisted ethical code in existence (I have never broken a promise, I try never keep secrets [and have succeeded bar one] but act with the tact of a rhinoceros air strike and don’t respect privacy)
Since I was talking about my problems not relationship problems in general I omitted the dreaded asking them out bit, since it’s not any different for me than for anyone else. That goes about here.
So now we are dealing with a hypothetical situation, that I’ve asked her out (whomever she is) and she actually said yes (not only hypothetical but also unlikely) now the relationship has to work. Given that we like each other and can get along we’re probably okay up to the point that we start doing things that people only do in relationships. Specifically I’ve get a problem kissing. A phobia to be precise. Haven’t done it for years, don’t want ever to do it – the thought makes me feel ill.
Then there’s the other thing. Remember I said I’ve managed not to keep secrets except the one? Well this is the one. It becomes a problem in the unlikely event that I get over everything else.
So I can go for solution one, except I’m not sure what the problem is and it could well be impossible to fix. Or I could go for solution two in which case I simply need to drastically change the way I think about the world, my day to day activates and my personality.
I will not scream. I think there are still people with exams. Besides I only suspect I’ve lost my mind. There’s no good reason to go about the place proving it.

Okay I’ve had my rant. I needed to get it out of my system, I even feel a little better for it. Now I’ll go back to internalising everything so the people I know can put up with speaking to me again.

*sigh* I know a little of what you feel, but I'm an 18 year old male with a braodband connection that dosn't and never has used porn. that aside your in a bit of a pickle, in fact it apears you have surouned yourself with exuses not to get into a relationship so I suspect that you are avoiding somthing your frientened will hurt you, I'm not suprised I would be scared too.

The only hope you got is knowing why you make exuses and then over coming them. unless you want to be a hermit and then your on the right tracks.

-- DoctorMO --

Glad you feel better for getting it out of your system, it really does help just to blurt it all out on here sometimes!

You said the answer yourself - it's a bout of discontentedness, probably exaggerated because you've started in a new place with new people and it's thrown you out a bit, you've lost your security and feel as though a relationship will replace it.

(Of course I could just be talking out of my @rse, cuz I don't know you from Adam.)

Most people see relationships as security. They don't work like that. You'll still have the same shite in your head in the relationship that you had before the relationship.
As for worrying about what will happen in a relationship, there really is no point in doing that. Most relationships fail, even people who are happily married have had numerous failed relationships beforehand. It's crap, but there's also loads of good stuff, and thats why you get out when the bad starts to outweigh the good, as you would with any aspect of your life.
Chill out, join activities that aren't male dominated. If you want something, anything, you've gotta work for it.


THE SHORT ANSWER

Get over it.
Life is shite, that's why you gotta concentrate on the good stuff.

that was my second option

-- DoctorMO --

Although as a 42 year old female I could never presume (or want, to be honest) to get inside the head of an 18 year old male, I can empathise with the problem to an extent.
I spent most of my time at Uni worrying about relationships and not having one, although of course it is Different For Girls. The day when it will be acceptable for girls to have 1 night stands and not get called slags is still a long way off, I fear.
Anyway, the best I can offer is don't make yourself miserable always looking for it (whatever "it" is), find yourself other things that you enjoy doing and let it happen. I only found what I wanted when I stopped looking and it took years.
And relax, and don't neglect yourself. Not eating for days on end is not a good sign. If you really want a relationship (rather than sex, which, shock horror, is not the same thing!) how can you expect to be able to cherish someone else if you don't love yourself?

Wow Acid, I’ve haven’t heard so much whining and excuse making since my 5 year old got into trouble at school, but since you seem to want an answer I’ll give you my best advice.

1) Reading you entry I got the impression that you really don’t want a relationship with a woman. Are you sure that you are a heterosexual cause it sounds like you don’t find women attractive? There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but if you are then you’ll never be happy in a relationship with a woman. To paraphrase Shakespeare “This above all else, to thy own self be true”. So ask yourself whom or even what do you find attractive?

2) About you problem with kissing, get yourself to a sex therapist. There are some problems there or it could be related to my first point.

3) OK, if your still reading then let’s work on your appearance get to the gym and start working out, get yourself a good hairstylist, and get yourself some good classic style clothes that fit you. Do a survey at school, ask the women there who they find attractive and why. What about the person did they find attractive? Then incorporate the qualities into your life and style.

4) You can’t small talk, then learn how. Learn to dance, must women love to dance. Learn how to read palms and offer to read a woman’s palm and she asks why you learn to read palms you says something like “so I can hold pretty women’s hands” (said with a slight impish grin) if they don’t pull their hand away they are interested in you (this was my favorite and it works). Be interested in what they are interested in and show them respect for they ideas and opinions (this goes a long way with women).

This is a good start, and you maybe saying to yourself that this is too much trouble. That is for you to decide.


I hope this helps,

Mostly Harmless

Hmm. Sorry to hear you're in such a bind... I don't have any real advice other than what's already been said - mostly, get over it. Relationships should not be the end all to life - they're a wonderful thing when they happen, but one's life should not be geared towards finding one. Also, be happy with yourself as you are - or make the changes you need to (so long as they're positive). I know that sounds really stupid, but a) confidence is extremely attractive and b) if you don't like yourself as you are before a relationship, no relationship will fix that and it will indefinitely fail if you go in like that.

Just sit back and relax. You're only 18... I never even had my first "real" boyfriend till I was 19, despite years of wishing and hoping, and the *moment* I stopped worrying about it all, things opened up for me.

One other thing - a kissing phobia? How can kissing be a bad thing?

Thanks. Jus' for puting up with my rant.
Hmm. Not sure about excuses. I've not been in the situation where I was asked out and said no or that I wanted to sak someone out and didn't say anything. And the people I did ask out being married/gay I find hard to attribute to my end. Then again I could be making excuses again - speaking as someone with the memory of a goldfish and the capacity to stalk someone for a few weeks without even noticing I'm doing it, it would not suprise me to find what I thought I knew about myself was completely wrong.
I don't think I fear the pain - if anything I would welcome it, just to have tried it. Once. Then at least I would know what it was that I am unable to get myself into. Maybe theres another reason though. I need to think on it some more. (So now I'm not losing sleep over my cough or over my nightmares but instead over my introspection - ach well)
I don't think I'm headed for hermithood whatever my serious relationships look like I know a lot of good people and still have one friend (Sometimes this confuses people - I define friend as a person who if someone puts a gun to their head and says them or me I would respond me without hesitating, I have had four friends over the course of my life and count myself lucky)

Hm. Not sure about starting in a new place - I've been here a little shy of a year, but this just happened a week or two ago. lol I like it when people can admit that. Just take it with a given that I'm spouting nonsense unless I say otherwise.

Still, your right. I need to look at the good stuff, normally I just lost perspective.

Thanks for giveing me someone to talk to - even if I was talking to myself

Oop. Appeared while I was typing. I am happy with myself - it just seemed that nobody else was.

As for the kissing phobia something completely irrational that I think I need to take the 'get over it' advice.

Sorry if this sounds a bit trite but........

Sometimes you have to think of life as a journey.

At the moment, the scenery isn't great - but keep travelling and you'll find yourself somewhere different, where the surroundings and climate are better.

Even the most shitty times in your life teach you something - although it's often not till much later that you can see this.

If things get on top of you - come straight back here and speak to your fellow Hootooers - they'll give you sympathy, empathy, advice - and a metaphoric kick up the jaxsie in equal quantities!

And see if there's anyone you feel able to talk to at university. Most univs offer really good counselling.

Finally - you're not going to feel like this for ever - it just seems that way at the moment. Life will get better.

T

I seem to remember that when the G.I.'s were in boot camp training for WW2 they were given
a regular dose of Lithium, Bromide or something like that unbeknownst to themselves. It had
the effect of lowering their libido big time. Why not look into it, it's effects weren't permanent judging
by the amount of war babies in England conceived close to D-Day.

Also stay off the porn, it's just gonna frustrate you and give you a false sense of reality.

And finally confidence is the key, people are driven to it like moths to a 100w bulb

Good luck

Hi, I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like you're describing two main problems.

Firstly to satisfy your sex drive. That's not a good reason to try & start a relationship. Don't confuse lust with other emotions. I get the impression it's a fairly normal state for a healthy young male, but sorry I'm not qualified to offer any advice, but I daresay you are aware of means of self satisfaction.

Secondly, you're wanting to be half of a couple rather than just friends. There are ways, as others have suggested, to make this more likely to happen, but there is no guarantee it will happen. It is a mistake to try too hard - look to make new friends, try new activities & meet a variety of people instead. It is debatable whether it is better to have loved & lost rather than never to have loved at all - but you can't make love happen. Just try to be positive & pro-active about the path your life takes.

Thanks that makes a lot of sense, there is a danger of going too far here. And I'm the one who started the thread on the null descision

And don't worry about your qualifycations, I'm supposed to be a psychology student of all things.

Ach I seem to be in hypocracy mode.

Question though, what sort of thing could I take up to meet people? I kinda exhausted the university societies (I joined anything vaugely interesting in the first week and went to the first 3 sessions of each and kept with the best 6 or so.) It needs to be something I'd enjoy in its own right - if I did something purely to meet people and then didn't (as you say might well happen) I wouldn't want it to be a wasted excersise.

btw never use the phrase 'just friends' in my presence again - friends are worth so much more than that would suggest.

No slur on friends intended, it was a poor choice of wording. I'm inclined to say that good friends are worth more than a 'couple' relationship. Some people are fortunate enough to regard their spouse/spouse equivalent (what is a good expression to cover all modes of such a twosome?) as their very best friend. Think I'll stop there before I get into deeper water.

If you've kept up with 6 societies, do you have time for any more? That sounds pretty good going. You must have met some people there. New people may join.
Do you have access to activities out of college, eg evening classes, which are a good way of trying something out? OK it might turn out to be something you don't enjoy, but I don't regard any experience as a waste. Not enjoyable, may be! Or you may discover something unexpected that you like.
Whatever you do, if it's with other people you can't avoid meeting them. Try & be interested in them & they'll respond. Don't be forever seeking a deeper relationship or you may be disappointed. Try to make the best of whatever happens. Sorry if that sounds a bit preachy. Put it down to my age!!

Hmmm. Hmmm. You're at Birmingham University, aren't you, Acid Override? They do have a good counselling service - just go to the student practice and they'll refer you if need be.

As for the rest - what can I say? I'm a 20 year old female who most would describe as 'very odd'. A lot of the activities that I get involved with are quite traditionally male (I blame my dad - he claims he didn't know what you're supposed to play with little girls). I know that there are similarly-minded women at Birmingham, because my dad teaches there. The thing I would ask is: are you setting yourself an impossible ideal? If, as you say, you have only ever met two attractive women, then maybe you need to come to some sort of compromise. Do you mean physically attractive, or otherwise? I have a definite physical 'type', but have found myself deviating wildly from it quite frequently. Intellectual type is more difficult to compromise on, perhaps, but there's always hope.

Otherwise, you could try the old hootoo pathway: have you considered going to any of the meetups? The Birmingham Users Society (A899760) meets up quite regularly, and the London meet is coming up soon (A1045946); they're always fun for meeting like-minded (or not!) people. I first met my current boyfriend at a hootoo meet, actually.

Anyway - hope that helps...

Em

No when I say attractive I mean someones mind. I would be lying if I said that looks did not count at all, but it is a very minor thing by comparison. I know a few women who are into male dominated hobbies, one of whom I was attracted to (To the point of not being able to eat a meal in a week because I was not sure how to tell her) Unfortunately she turned out to be gay. Ach well, happens. I dunno if I could compromise - it feels almost boolean, its not like theres people who are think could come close and say mmmm...nope. (One possible exception to this, but she just got engaged.)
Mmm yeah, so theres a number of ways to get into new things, but what things? I felt I tried a lot this year and have only kept with the few I liked. I was considering trying a martial art next year (Despite the alleged evil forces at work) aside from that I can't really think of anything I'd really like to try.
So far the people driven off by me in an attempt to find a deeper realtionship count is at 0. I intend to keep it that way.
VIP dragged me along to a minimeet quite recently. I enjoyed it enough that I'd definately give a bigger one a shot, though I may or amy not be organised enough to make London.

-Acid (Now feeling much better)

Well it often feels better to talk about a problem, even it isn't solved.

I got into a long and tricky relationship purely by meeting the right person at an unusual place. maintaining it for nine years when seperated by quite a distance was tricky, but worth it.

the time you tend to find a significant other is when you are not looking for one. this has always been the case for me.

if you like someone's mind, then you want to be visiting places where they need to show it. (preferably not debating societies). you could try pubs, drinking mixers or soft drinks. (if you have transport, a designated driver is always welcome).

the best advice I can give is to have a diversity of interests and a willingness to try new experiences. eventually you will find someone you share an interest with, or someone who liked sharing the experience, and finds that sort of experience invigorating.

finally, if you don't meet asignificant other, you will probably end up getting some good friends out of those experiences, so it shouldbe worthwhile.

Glad you're feeling better.

Getting 'out there' is good, but you do have to concentrate on chilling yourself out. Above all else, being comfortable with yourself will be the most attractive aspect.

By this I mean that, most people find it difficult to talk to people they're interested in because they think that they might say something stupid, or the other person might not like what they've got to say. The thing is, if x person isn't interested in what you've got to say, or thinks you're stupid for saying it, they're not the right person to be with you anyway