h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK, I've been banging on about the quality of threads on AskH2G2 recently, and wouldn't want anyone to think me an intellectual elitist (if only I had the mental capacity to be one!). So, here we are, my very own trivial thread.

If you were God, what would your commandments be, and why?

No need to write all ten if you can't be arsed, one will do.

I will post my commandment later, until then... fear me.

I am God. Next question.

I see.

You are mocking my set of values? Highly unethical. I get told off when I do those sorts of things on here.

Nope, just letting you know that I understood your statement.

I see.

Touché.

How about "Thou shalt stop getting offended by every little imperfection in others. You're not so perfect you know." (not directed at anyone in particular)

Nice. And why would that be on your list?

Because I get offended at people who do it... oh wait a minute...

ooooh.... now this is a fun one.

How about:
1. God is nothing more than You at your best.
2. Be Your Own god.
3. Create a world which You're proud to live in, and proud to pass on to the other gods out there.
4. Be answerable to Yourself for Your Own behavior.
5. Take responsibility for Your Own happiness.
6. Don't blame *me* when You muck things up with Your feet of clay. Keep a clean house by staying out of the dirt.

But the dirt is where all the fun is!

Based on my own experience, the Ten Commandments should go something as follows:

1) Thou shalt not follow a poor football team and continuously gripe when they lose.
2) Thou shalt not attempt to simultaneously utilise air-guitar and steering wheel.
3) Thou shalt not sing the first few words of a song loudly and then mumble the rest because you don't know the words.
4) Thou shalt not attempt to explain your own jokes, funny or otherwise.
5) Thou shalt refrain from singing 'do-do-de-do-do' whenever somebody says 'phenomenon'.
6) Thou shalt never combine curried fish and Red Bull on an empty stomach.
7) Thou shalt not attempt to beat thy Dad at golf, pool, French cricket or amateur judo, even when he is over 50.
8) Thou shalt not accelerate like the Devil possessed when some lunatic in a souped-up Astra tries to overtake you.
9) Thou shalt never attempt to wrap up any birthday gift more complex in shape than a book.
10) Thou shalt not, by any means, drink eight pints of extra-strength lager and four whisky chasers and attempt to walk home.

B

All very sensible and wise.

1) Thou shalt accelerate on the acceleration lane, else thou shalt keep thy worthless ass off the freeway.
2) Thou shalt not bring cell phone, nor pager, nor suckling babe to the theater that thou viewest not from thy car.
3) Thou shalt not use 40,000 watts to power a stereo which needst only fill 25 feet cubic with sound.
4) Thou shalt not set off thine own car alarm, for when thou doest, thou announceth unto all in earshot that thou art the greatest of all fools, who cannot operate the simplest of thy common electronics.
5) Thou shalt not patronize AOL, neither MSN, for they art the works of the devil.
6) Thou shalt not call rap music.
7) Thou shalt engage thy brain ere thou openst thy mouth.
8) Thou shalt obey the law of the land, excepting where thou seest the law is stupid, and thou hurtest none.
9) Thou shalt be clean of body and foul of mind.
10) Thou shalt stand up for what thou believest is right, excepting that thou art wrong.

I accept the wisdom of your teachings in all cases but one: The 8th Commandment. How could the laws be enforced if an acceptable defence is 'it's a stupid law'?

Let us not confuseth the law of heaven with that of earth. For verily, there are stupid laws, and stupid people to enforce them. But shouldst thou violate earthly law which is stupid, thou shalt lose currency on earth shouldst thou be caught, but thy heavenly balance remains. For the Lord, who knoweth all, did see, and in seeing, did chuckle.

Accept my humblist apologes for questioning you, Lord. By the way, what would you call your religion? Maybe I hould have included that question in post 1.

My first thought was:

"Be excellent to each other."

And if any of you know where that quote is from, my deepest condolences.



I shall go away now and decide what my ten would REALLY be.



Myjo

"5) Thou shalt refrain from singing 'do-do-de-do-do' whenever somebody says 'phenomenon'."

oh lord, I'm a sinner!