h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am experiencing a phenomenon that has been my weakness for as long as I have been interested in romantic entanglement. I am, once again, completely captivated by an unavailable man.

I have a very long and unhappy history of being "the other woman". It's almost never involved sexual activity - it's usually an emotional relationship that, were my husband (if I had one) to get involved in one, would be just as hurtful if revealed. I used to think that I just had really bad luck - that I met these people "one promise too late", to quote a song. Then I decided that I wasn't the kind of girl anyone wanted to marry, but I was the kind of girl that people already committed looked at as a way to relive their lost freedom.

After seven years of 12 Steps, I have learned that I create these situations by participating in them. Okay, I get that. If I don't respond, nothing can happen. When my married men friends make comments that are just a little too friendly I ignore it. I try to speak to wives and girlfriends before I speak to husbands and boyfriends. I look for a wedding ring when I meet someone new. Easy enough.

Last week an online friend revealed feelings of which I was unaware. I had been questioning whether I was worthy of love and he said, in short, "Don't do that in my presence because when you question your worthiness, you question me. If I lived in your area, I would want to be with you." We both agreed that to encourage those feelings or even discuss them at length was a bad idea and, after a few more lines, dropped the subject.

I've "known" this guy for a couple of years, I guess, and met him once IRL when in town on business (I live in Baltimore, MD; he lives in Atlanta, GA). He was an okay guy to hang out with, but I remember being slightly uneasy with him (I don't remember why; everyone else I was with liked him). I certainly have not been harboring any desire for him since then, nor had the thought even crossed my mind.

All of a sudden, everytime I see him online, I want to "private message" him. I think about him all the time. Last night I dreamed about him. I am completely distracted by him. WTF????

I don't get it. Am I so desperate for love that I convince myself to fall for anyone who expresses interest? No - I have a much closer friend in Philly who expresses interest all the time. It's like I deliberately look for an impossible situation and then decide to be in love. Not only does this guy live states away, he's got a girlfriend and is very happy in his relationship. I had no feelings for him beyond friendship until he told me how he felt and now - BAM - here I go again. Am I purposely setting myself up for ultimately being unhappy?

If this is some kind of trick my head is playing on me, how do I get it to stop? I can't stand these feelings, especially if they're not based in any legitimate experience. Once I recognize a pattern and see it playing out, how do I make it stop? I'm not writing to him, I didn't tell him about the dream; I'm trying so hard not to escalate things. How do I make these feelings go away? I know I'm not the only person ever to experience this so I'm putting it out there. If you have experience, strength, and hope in this area, please share it! I, and perhaps others, would be extremely grateful.

I think you are lonely and looking for someone to fill a gap in your life. Perhaps you feel safer with people who are already attached as they cannot infringe on your life too much. Did you have things in your childhood that might have set patterns for your adult behaviour? It's difficult to answer because i don't know you very well. The fact you have recognised this behaviour means you are already moving on. It's very difficult to move on though without some support...is there someone you could call everytime you feel this happening?
there are lots of people on h2g2 who will be here for you if you need them.

Ah. Tricky stuff. I think I shall for a while until someone else posts something. Not sure how to communicate stuff

for you anyway! Life is complicated...

There are definitely very obvious reasons for my behavior in my childhood - my dad (not very demonstrative when it comes to his feelings) and my mom separated when I was about six; my stepfather was initially very warm and loving but turned into an abusive, authoritarian . When my mother married her third (and current) husband, I was not interested in letting him get close at all.

So I had these conflicting behaviors - I would try to get every man in my life to be affectionate towards me but then I wouldn't let anyone really love me. It's hard for me to stand still and be loved. I guess unavailable men were the best compromise.

I can already see myself starting to act out with my online friend. Maybe instead of writing to him I'll post here! I just don't know my way around here very well so I don't know how to start getting to know everyone.

Thanks for the s!

You are a brave person for facing this. If you need to talk leave a message on my page or my email is there.
Tabsx

U could try taking the interest in you as a compliment then walk away.

The *possiblity and the compliment* CAN be enough.
Sometimes it does not get any better than that

Sometimes that is all people are REALLY looking for; an assured possibility, an interest, a lovely highest compliment.

You do not accept every offer that comes along do you? jobs,food,favors,freebies,telephone sales......
Do not accept intimacy with every guy that shows an interest.
The guys may be looking for the same validations, without intanglement also.

Could be wrong too

I say get addicted to h2g2. And get therapy. Both are good.

Me? I'm happy being neurotic. Makes life interesting. Wouldn't *really* want to be functional...

Don't be too hard on yourself, don't over analyse things, and most importantly, do things because you truly want to do them, not because you feel you have to.

I don'rt fit into the catorgory you ask for replies from... not being strong ...
So I pretty say listen to Saturnine tis good advice

Good lord. It's a dangerous day when someone actually listens to me...

"You do not accept every offer that comes along do you? jobs,food,favors,freebies,telephone sales......
Do not accept intimacy with every guy that shows an interest."

Wow - so simple and yet so profound! Sometimes all I need is a different perspective - there's always a way to look at something that I haven't come across on my own.

Thanks for the feedback!

Here it is, six months later. The relationship grew more intense; he and his girlfriend split up; he had plane tickets to come visit me...

...then decided it was a bad idea to start what seemed to him to be an impossible relationship. He also started dating a married woman. He wants to stay friends; I am hurt, angry, and ashamed. Every time I see his name online I have to remind myself that hating him is a waste of energy.

Ugh. To have walked away when I still could have! The only comfort I have is that I was right - I knew it would end badly and it did.

Is there still hope at 34??? I know it's a dumb question, but there's a part of me that is terrified that all of my best chances for long-term love are behind me.

There's always hope...

If it's any consolation, he sounds like he was a loser and he certainly behaved like one!

I wish I could add more apart from saying ing men (as a newly single girl!)

Oh, and whenever I decide I'm happy being single and decide to go out and start living life to the full, I always seem to end up with a boyfriend a few weeks later.

Maybe that'll help?

Aye - there's the rub! I can't seem to trick the Universe into believing I'm happy being single! I've lost the knack somehow. About four years ago I had it down, but then I met the love of my life (up to that point). We had to split up and I've been floundering ever since. My life now is good - don't get me wrong - but a healthy sex life makes it better!

Since turning Christian about 6 weeks ago, I can't say as I'll be getting much of *that* . (the ex was Christian too, so I can't say that this was the root of the breakup)

I know what you mean, I was convinced that this one was "the one" too. I'm still in the almost denial stage of getting over it, and I think I will be for a while yet, so I can't help too much more.

Talix18,

It seems like a lot of what you are describing comes from the online community. There are lots of difficulties in cultivating a long-distance relationship, and I think looking for someone in your immediate area might be more beneficial.

It might not work out (at least at first), but at least you'll be able to find someone and decide if it clicks before becoming too entangled.

Rains,

Let me know if you need any advice. (Became a Christian at 20)

Story of my life...

Agb is getting married again..I think she is 47..so no it's not too late I have a friend met someone on line ..he sold up and moved to Kansas..they are married and very happy.So don't give up yet..who knows what might happen in the future