h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ok, now this is a subject that has been raised and dismissed very recently by me as I enter into the scary and exciting world of relationshipdom with an older woman!

I know a lot of people have a huge problem with age diferences so my question to you all is this... what do you think is a 'suitable' age difference and does it matter as much if its a same-sex couple as opposed to a hetero couple??

Im thinking today must be the day for new relationshipd with people older/younger than you, three of my friends just asked me this exact same question!!
So, opinions, comments?

I guess there's the problem of being mistaken for parent & child rather than lovers. There are all sorts of other potential difficulties with having a large age gap.

Personally, I have no problem about it, it's what the two people concerned feel that matters.

I think as long as the younger partner is emotionally developed, and the older not too set in their ways, age really isn't a huge problem.

One of my mates has a wife 11 years younger than him, they've been married 20 years and are very happy. Any difference under 10 years doesn't matter today, we're all wiser and more switched on when we're younger, and more tolerant and open minded to change, when we're older.

Well, it comes down to individuals, doesn't it? Someone at age 25 could possibly be as emotionally developed as a 45-year-old. And hey, some people never grow up!

I've had two relationships with men who were much younger than me. One was 11 years younger, the other 13 years younger. Well okay, I'm no longer in those relationships, but I think that was more about personal differences rather than age differences.

I certainly felt I could relate well with both these younger men. Though I think there is also something to be said for people being at specifically 'different times' in their lives based on what age they are.

For example, what was important to me in my 20's is quite different to what has become important in my 40's.

Sometimes if the age gap is really big - like thirty years difference - I do wonder what those people actually have in common.

I know a woman here who married a man twenty years older than her when she was just 19. And ten years later they are still - presumably happily - married. But she also says that her husband is a bit of a 'father figure' as well as being her partner. And once when she met another guy her age she felt attracted to her husband even told her that if she felt the need to have an affair then he would just deal with it. He didn't want to make her feel like he had 'cut off' that whole part of her life, as he had been her only lover.

I can't see that same sex relationships would differ much with the age thing, but then again I simply don't see same sex relationships as being 'different'. If two people decide they love each other then what does it matter?

So, basically, I guess I'm not being much help here. I just think there can be no hard and fast rules as to how or why relationships work or don't. The main important thing is mutual respect and caring - if you've got that then what's the problem?


az

I agree with what az just said - especially the last paragraph.

There was a 17-year gap between my father's parents, and they were generally happy. I know another pair with a 12-year gap and they're doing nicely. The trick is not to care what anyone else might think - which applies to all aspects of a relationship really.

Good luck.

I couldnt give a monkeys bum what people think, I was curious as to how other people view these things. Anyone that knows me will know that you take me the way you find me, if you dont like that, then well you know where the door is.

Almost everyone I know is in a relationship with a considerable age difference, well all bar one. My folk have 9years, two of my oldest friends have a 14 year gap and I now have a 16 year gap, but I totally agree that its not the age as the people involved that matter, I have no friends who are the same age as me, everyone i know is at least 15 years older, I find I dont have much in common with other people my own age, maybe I was born to be middle aged!?

The way I see things, as long as everyone is legal and happy with their choice, then go ahead and grab it. This world is sucky enough so if you find a bit of happiness then you should keep hold of it, its all too rare a thing nowadays.

and

Will

I've been in relationships with people older and younger than me(ex 13 years older, ex 4 years younger n current nearly 6 years younger) and the only time I really noticed was with the 13 years older guy.
We're all very used to seeing older man/younger woman in straight relationships at least, but does the view change slightly when the womans older? I think it does, probably not to enlightened hootooers types though.

IMHO age doesn't matter. Love, trust and loyalty are far more important.
Without them any relationship, at any age is doomed to failure.

Totally in agreement with last comment

I wed a man 3 years ago who is 15 years older than me - we have been together now for 12 years. He gives me mental stability & I give him encouragement to try new things. It makes such a difference to be with someone who has no hangups - who has 'grown' mentally. We agree, we laugh & we share some interests - who wants more?

As regards same sex - I know a couple where there is a 12 year gap - they have been together for ages &, again, are very happy.

Basically, I reckon if you meet someone you are attracted to then ... forget the age difference - that's only 'time' which can tick slower for some & faster for others - go for your feelings & life - you have only one chance at being happy.

I think to me looking 'in' on someone's relationship age matters not one iota.

I do think age differences can affect a relationship in a negative way though.

I know someone who at a young age married a man 10 years her senior and I do know that *some* of the difficulties that caused them to seperate and divorce only a few years later were related to age.

She was still 'young' and very into new music, lively places, going out and her husband was, hmm, well I suppose you could say a little on the old side for his age and disliked her choice of listening because "this new stuff all sounds the same", prefered not to go out and dance all night etc.

I suppose that once the novelty of being newly married wore off and things started to settle down, differences in tastes and ideas of what passes as fun started to become more of a problem. (Ideas that were mostly related to age)

In those short years she 'grew up' (as you tend to do between the ages of 17 - 20) and wasn't quite the same girl she was at the time she married.

I think it's entirely possible though that had they met a few years later, after she had done this sort of last phase of 'growing up', they may well have had a better chance and the age gap may not have mattered quite so much.

So perhaps bigger age gaps matter less the older people are when relationships start?

Obviously that's not going to be the same for everyone, but I would expect that if one of the partners was very young (maybe 16-21(ish)) and the other was 10-15 years older there'd be more of a problem than if the younger partner was say 25+ with a 10 - 15 year difference. We tend to do a lot of growing up late teens early 20s and I think sort of settle a little more by our mid 20s.

I dunno..

3 of 8
Currently not entirely sure if that ramble made the point she intended it to.

I understand what you mean - I joke with my husband that when he was 15 would he have dated a baby . However, you do have a valid point. We have both been married before & I was in my very late thirties when I met my other 'arf. All children had just about grown up too.

So maybe when your own character has stabilised (different ages for different people) that is more suitable.

Basically don't rush into anything - no matter what age or age difference.

I personally don't think it makes a difference, so long as teh younger ( or the older for that matter), person in the relationship is mature enough emotionally/relationship wise to know what they're doing... if you see what I mean... I've always tended to go for older people, Though currently I'm in a relationship with the biggest age gap yet, I'm what... oh yeh, 29 years old now, and currently seeing another guy who's... bout twice that age and no it doesn't seem to make a difference, and I can't see how it'd be different for me if this was a hetro relationship rahter than a same sex one

I'm in a relationship with somone who is (*counts on fingers*) 19 years younger than I am. It feels natural when we are together or with his friends, but I feel slightly more self-conscious when I am with my friends. It is fairly well known at work that "Ben's got a toy boy". But every now and again my internal juke box plays Rod Stewart's line "the morning sun, when it's in your face, really shows your age". Thanks a bunch, Rod. What I find particularly odd is that my late teenage years were before he was born.

We did have the "take your mother's advice" moment in an opticians once. [Footnote, for those who don't know me, I'm female]. Our immediate reaction was to giggle, but I did find it unsettling. I wonder what people make of us when they see us together. (If you are up for telling me, please feel free). Oddly, and sexistly, I would not find the age difference as concerning if we were both women and I think I would be more peturbed if we were both men. I think that there is a lot of subtle sub-text about power in relationships, and age and gender contribute to that power-balance.

It would be wrong of me to view this as a long-term relationship because we are at such extremely different stages in our lives. We have different medium and long term goals, around children - for example, and around travelling.

It's a relationship which suits us for now, and what more can one sensibly want of a relationship than that?

B

I'm in a relationship with a lovely girl who's 19 years older than me.

Er.

Yes. I don't find the age difference much of a problem in the short term. But then I'm quite old for my age anyway. There are a couple of things, I tend to do 'going out and dancing' with my colleages from work rather than my girlfriend. Most of my family have been extremely positive, but that's partly because of the fact that I have a sister and a cousin who are both in May - December marriages, so they've done the 'shocked' phase. All my friends think she's great.

To be honest though we can't see this relationship as being long term because of the age difference. Love just isn't enough.

By the time I'm at the stage in my career where I'd consider having a family (I only want one thing stopping me sleeping at once, either work or a baby)she'll be too old to have children. Even if it was the other way round I'd seriously worry about ethics of bringing children into that sort of situation. Last year my cousin had her second baby, she's 34 and her husband is 55. They're very happy, but how will he cope with a teenager?

I think in a way it would be different if we were a same sex couple because we wouldn't be worried about children. Well not as worried about the fact that we can't both be biological parents anyway - because you can't both be biological parents of the same child in a same sex couple.

Then there is the point that if you are the younger party in a relationship with a big age difference you are going to end up widowed at a fairly young age. Call me selfish but I want to spend my 60s enjoying retirment not looking after an 80 year old, or 'coping with being alone'.

I remember once at work, (I'm a junior Doctor) meeting a couple with man in his 60s and a women in her 80s, I just looked at them and thought - 'NO! I'm not going to be you in 40 years time'

All valid points Z.

I gotta say, she, my woman is probably more of the partier than I am, I have no interest in having kids and she already has her own so thats that out the way.
I didn't so much think about the getting old thing but then again, I rarely think about getting old. I'll just jump off that brigde when we/I get to it.

As far as being widowed early, well that can happen even if you're the same age, when you gotta snuff it, you gotta go. Although if Ihad a choice to be with someone I loved and be widowed reasonably early or not, then I have to go for the love... maybe Im just a loved up softie?

Lifes too short to worry about whats gonna happen in 20 years time, you gotta live for today!

and luck to you and your woman!

Will

19 years? Pah, try 23

Although we're 'the other way round'. Strangely, no one has ever mistaken him for my father, or at least no-one's ever said anything to us, possibly a shop assistant or somesuch has thought I was his daughter but not actually commented.

I don't really notice the age gap any more, not after 5 and a half years.

I think that the difference in lifestyle such as partying is not necessarily related to age. There is only 3 years between myself & my hubby, yet our musical tastes are years apart.
He seems to have settled into middle age (or more!) whereas I'm keeping an interest in modern culture. Perhaps we were always like that, but it's become more apparent with the passing years as we've headed off into separate pursuits.
In a new relationship you're more likely to do things to please the other or share time together & make an effort to enjoy them. Later on, individual personalities & tastes tend to assert themselves.

What can be more obvious with an age gap in relationships is the lack of shared history - the programmes enjoyed as a child etc.

Certainly I think there's more chance of a disparate age gap working if both are reasonably mature to start with.

No problem with age gaps... before I met Mrs. D I was seeing someone who was 11 years my senior.

The only time I start to cringe and go is when I hear about relationships where the bloke is 35 and the woman's 80 (for example).

I think I'm a bit morbid because my Grandad has just died. Also whilst I was working in General Hospital medicine, I dealt a lot with people who were dying.

It's not just the dying I don't want, it's the long illness that builds up to it- and then restarting your life all over again. It's difficult to do that in your 60s. I guess with someone your own age theres about a 50/50 chance you'll get ill or die first, but when you're 19 years younger than your partner it's a much lower chance.

At the end of the day life's a lot easier with someone your own age! But it's a very furfilling relationship for me, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. If it feels right just go for it.