h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is somewhat personal - I hope you don't think it unsuitable for this forum.

My wife suffers from a chronic illness. This is a serious condition, potentially fatal, though is treatable if medication is taken, possibly for life. Also, praise be, she doesn't have the condition in it's most serious form. Nevertheless she still feels lethargic and nauseous for a proportion of the time, and there are side-effects of the medication.

This may sound really selfish, but the problem I am finding is in how to console someone who mentions their ill heath, perhaps several times a day, every day for 12 years. Kind words and hugs are the best remedy I can find, but I am human and I sometimes have to supress the urge to yell "For frip sake, Shut Up" when told how unwell she feels for the 6th time in as many hours. Then the guilt hits me that I should even be thinking like this.

We've talked about it many times, but she says she'll not tell me when she feels ill if it worries me so much, which of course is no solution. If she can't tell her husband, then who?

I'd be interested to hear if any of you have lived with a sick partner through a medium or long-term illness, and whether they have found a way through this.

What a tough call. All I can say is you must tell her how you feel. She is not a mind reader but can probably sense something is wrong.

I myself have an illness, whilst not life threatening, is chronic and I will never be "cured". I suffer from endometriosis which affects everything I do. Somedays I feel OK and others are bad. My partner tries very hard to understand what I am going through but he can only sympathise - never empathise. I sat and talked my illness through with him and advised him to get on the internet to learn more about it. He then asked me what he could do for me. I had to say "well nothing really, apart from be there when I need you most. Make up hot water bottles, rub my back, get my painkillers etc,." He then asked me to do something for him and that was to tell him if I ever felt really bad and also tell him when I felt good. We agreed we both had to live with it as part of our lives and to get on with it the best we could.

Is your wife a member of any self help groups where she can talk to fellow sufferers about her illness? I found it helped tremendously when I was first diagnosed and I often go back to it when I am feeling bad.

My mother has been dying for about 17 years now. It's very very tiring and you have my deepest sympathies because I know what you're going through and this is what you need to recognise to get through it...

You are not angry about you telling her how bad she feels you are angry at your total inability to do anything about it.

Every time she mentions how ill she is she is reminding you of how "incompitent" you are being about looking after her every need like you promised on your wedding day.

You need to be able to find a way to separate the two things and you'll both get through it.

Good luck.

If you want to talk more just let me know.

Wejut

Thanks for the replies - it is appreciated. It's nice just to get some 'understanding' answers instead of the "you ought to be ashamed of yourself thinking like that" heavy-guilt-trip-esque type.

If ever you need to talk, complain, yell, whatever, just let me know. I understand completely.
Somedays just being there is all anyone can ask.
I hope it all works out for you.
Wejut

I really hesitate to post here as I have no understanding of what you are going through. But, and you knew there'd be a but!, the point about self help groups sparked me off as I believe that there are 'similar interest' groups for partners such as yourself. I believe these can help to arrange perhaps one day every so often when somebody else does the caring and you can get out and about, with other people in the same situation. I don't know any names, but am sure you could find them on the net.

Appolgies if this is inappropriate but thought it might help in some way.

*subscribes*

Floh (endo-sufferer and half-orphan)

I wish I could help as born with handicapt with diabetes with complications.
oh yeah! I am currently feeling 90% positive and 10% down!

one thing I can tell you is that you are not alone here. there lost of people willing to listen and some willing to help in their own way.

I say WOW to you!

WOW - Wish Only Well
more on WOW see meme webguide A573040 under WOWzone.