h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have a problem of the most serious nature.
CATS KEEP CRAPPING IN MY GARDEN.
I've laid bark chippings down, keep the grass short and I even throw water at them if I see them. But still the little buggers keep coming back. I've got a little boy and sooner or later he'll get a handful or a faceful.

I hate cats.

Any ideas for getting rid of them?

I have the same problem with foxes and would be very grateful if somebody can give a sensible answer to this. I have tried land mines but they are too messy.

I found cocktails sticks half buried in the soil worked wonders when cats were using my pots to crap in. Apart from that they hate the smell of bleach and putting some prickly plants in the garden should keep them away too although you will have to be careful of this if you have a kid. I used to lie in wait with a super soaker water pistol too which had a 25 foot firing range - that scared some of them off permanently!

The cocktail sticks idea appeals to me. Like I said, I hate cats. Do you think I should take the cheese and pineapple off first?

Not if you dust it with a little chilli pepper first!

You can get a sort of ultra-sonic blaster thingy which detectrs the presence of a cat or other moving object and fires a whistling noise - inaudible to humans, intolerable to cats. Dunno where to get one tho', although I saw an advert in my aunt's gardening magazine....

That wierd company that sells things like 'nose hair clippers' sells ultrasonic devices (See http://www.innovations.co.uk) however I was hoping for a cheaper solution.

Orange peel works for a while until it dries up. Cats don't like the smell.

They have those ultrasonic things for bugs, too... Good for making the wolves howl and come sniffing (for about 3 minutes) ... after that, you may as well throw your $19.95 down the toilet.

PS My cat (when I had one) liked to curl up around the thing. (I didn't buy it! My gullible father did!)

I assume this means the ultrasonic devices do not work. Has anybody bought one who actually thinks that it worked or is it really a con? I need to know otherwise I will have to return to using land mines.

Or motion-activated sprinklers.

Pop to your local zoo and ask for a few kilos of lion s**t. Cats, being territorial, will run away swiflt like the fleet winter wind if they sense that something two hundred times their size is in the area. Failing that, not that I advocate cruelty to animals or anything, you could do what my dad does and buy a catapult. You'll probably miss but the sound of a stone zipping through the grass a few feet away from it should make the cat run away. Whatever you do, don't catch the cat's eyes and frown at it. Cats narrow their eyes when they see things they like so they'll assume the person staring at them with, as it were, "cold slits" are requiring they, the cat, to come over to the person and deposit hairs and fleas on their legs.
If all thif fails, get my uncle to build you a cat-trap. Catch the cat, take it round to the owner's house and say "if this thing s***s in my garden again you'll be getting it (the cat, not the s**t) through the post, capiche?" If this seems a little severe you could take lots of photographs of the cat and send them to the owner, as if you are stalking it. See if any wildlife conservation organisations wold be willing to lend you a badger to duff the cat up.

My problem is foxes so should I use wolf s**t?

My dad got one of these. I don't know about the cats but the dog f*****g hated it.

Shoot them up the arse while they are in full - er - flood, using an air rifle. It won't injure them, but they won't come back in a hurry. It worked for my dad. Obviously, he was the one doing the shooting, not the crapping.

I want to check something. Shooting cats up the arse with an air rifle won't injure them? It'd bloody well injure me. What've they got that I haven't? Armour plated rectums? (or should that be "Recti")

Speaking from experience - I was shot in the head with an air rifle at school - it won't even break the skin, unless a high-powered weapon is used. But it would certainly make them jump. Oh yes.

In looking at the advice given my suggestion is not harmful but you can get a laugh while getting rid of your
problem. Place clear tape around the area that you want protected with the sticky side up in small strips.W
hen the cat walks on them he will or she will go nuts trying to get it off of its paws hopefully getting more
tape on the other paws and it won't be back.

Oh My.... Thank you for that lovely visual.... I have been laughing out loud for 5 minutes!!!! Armour Plated Rectums (recti)
....