h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lady, you have my sympathies. You were taught to care for your family, even if that family does not care for you or show basic kindness and respect towards you. You cannot be expected to like people who mistreat you, regardless of the relationship. And, you cannot resolve the situation unless you refuse to be manipulated any longer.

Who are these people that take your mother's side?

LG,
parents have the duty to raise their children preparing them for a life without them. The problem is that some of them cannot see when their children are ready to live independently. You see a weak remnant of this in homes for the elderly, where mothers of 80, 90 tell their "babies" of 60, 70 to be carefull and dress warmly.

I get the impression that you (and maybe your husband also) come from a relatively closed community, with lots of social control.

You cannot stand up to your mother, and the community thinks she is right by definition.

Even when you are shy, you should be able to live on the outskirts of a medium sized city, say a few tens of thousands of inhabitants.
The problem might be to keep your adress a secret from her.

They already put me on a huge guilt trip 20 years ago when I tried to move away once when she hadn't spoken to me for three weeks.
They said it would be cruel to deprive her of her grandchildren and they persuaded me to crawl and apologise for locking her out and I ended up having to buy a house with her.

I thought I might be able to disappear once they grew up and left home but I made the mistake of getting involved with another man and having more children so I'm still stuck.

The only way we will be able to get away is to wait till my husband can retire, when the youngest leaves school, and then just take off in a caravan for as long as it takes for her to decide to find a new home, but she will be 90 by then and it will probably be out of the question.

My husband says most of them already think I'm the devil incarnate so what difference will it make, but there are some of them I care about. I don't want to have to cut myself off completely.

Did you ever see a comedy sketch show called Goodness Gracious Me?
There was a grandmother in it who used to take off her shoe and chase people around hitting them with it all the time.

Most of the sketches in that series were so true to life.

Never saw it.
My favorite granny is "old battleaxe" from Giles.

At the head of the family is Grandma, of course. Battleaxe and warrior, she takes on all comers with brolly and padlocked handbag.

No sedentary old lady is she; variously seen on a Sinclair C5 electric vehicle, on skis, motorbike or a hang-glider. Behind her cloud of cigarette - or on the odd occasion pipe - smoke few get the better of her; although she has been known to have been captured by aliens and dragged off by the police.

Do you know any granny-capturing aliens?

h2g2 is a good place to find one, but you'd have to settle for a virtual abduction.

Do you think it would be wrong for us to try to escape?

As a parent with two children one of who is a young adult daughter who as a student is still dependant on me I can only wonder at the mentality that thinks that a child is a possession to be owned all of their life and to be bossed about as an infant all of their lives.A child is not a possession they are a loan for the length of their need of you.When they no longer need you it is time to move on-possibly to be a gran to any grandchildren you may be lucky to be loaned for a short while.
I can only say that you have to decide just what it is you want from this relationship.When you are sure you will have to say what you want and just batten down the hatches against the guerrilla warfare that will break out.Just be reasonable,restate your case and ignore everything and everyone else.Of course if those relatives that think you are so awful can't bear to think that your mother may be suffering then suggest that they give your mother a home.The ONLY way that you will get any respect is if you insist upon it-don't cave in at the first or last form of attack.
If you can't stand the idea of a war,surrender and just leave the country and don't leave an address.

Incog.

I moved on, left no forwarding address, ended up 6,000 miles away - best damn thing I ever did. What a weight off the shoulders. Some people said I was running away from my problems instead of confronting them, others who knew the situation better said I was walking away from something that couldn't be resolved.

It was easy for me though - I had no spouse, no kids, no career commitments. I realise it might be somewhat more difficult for you Lady G.

Godiva - you are obviously having difficulty implementing a decision you have already made.

Don't worry about your Ma - you said she was as strong as an ox. And all those people waiting in line to judge you? If it means so much to them, let them look after her. If they don't practise what they preach, they are in no position to offer you advice on what *you* should do.

If you can't get out by fair means, get out by foul. Let your husband know, then do something that will force the decision.

You've got the name, why not ride naked on a horse through town?

Do you think they'll let you stay after that?

And if your Ma wants to come because she no longer feels comfortable, just say "Sure Ma. But in return for all those rules you layed down, you have to follow just one of mine. If you really want to come, all you got to do is ride a horse naked through town."
and if she follows after that, well, at least you'll have something to talk about.

Lady G, this isn't mother love, it's smother love.

I take it that you were brought up in a very close family/community? Those that really do care for you will understand your need to get away and will stay in touch when you do move.

It is NOT wrong to dislike your parents, it's sad when relationships break down, sure, but if you can make the break, a complete break, for a while it may be that you could mend things.

You have to think of yourself, your relationship with your partner and children. Living in an 'atmosphere' won't be doing any of you any good, even your mother can't be happy. Bullies rarely are.

Think of it as doing your best for all concerned, please.

What a situation to be in! I have trouble imagining it in fact. I have to agree with what has been said on this thread so far by the wonderful researchers of h2g2 .

I think you have to be brave as hell. Bite the bullet and *get out of there*. Your Mother sounds like she would be upset at first, but if she can see what is good for you and has your interests first (as a parent should) she will get over it.

Sometimes you have to be selfish. You are in a dire situation and you will be unhappy for a large portion of you life. There is no replay, you only live once.

Anyway, if the saying is true, and absence makes the heart grow fonder it will do your relationship some good.

Good luck Lady Godiva

Ste

.....

Blimey, what a situation! Hmmm.....

Well, for a start I would try and beat her at her own game. You mentioned that she was a christian, and that you weren't. Well she sure doesn't sound like one!!! I'm a christian myself, and I live what I preach, not that christianity is about "good works" or about "how you live", No; it's about faith and belief. And from those faiths and beliefs come actions and works. Is she claims to be a christian but doesn't even follow "1Corinthins 13" for goodness sake!!! The Bible's FULL of bit's on how to deal with relationships, and I'd say that you should only read the bits that apply to you. The "children obey your parents" is often very misquoted! Which annoys me. For a start it only applies to "children", once you can support yourself, you are no longer a child. And then what about all the bit's on how parents should treat their children.
Besides which you're married!!! Which puts a completely differant aspect on things! If she's interfering with that, tell her where to go! Because SHE is the one being selfish, not you. Can I ask; did you "invite" her to live with you, or did she? Because it makes a HUGE! Difference! Let's make things clear, from the time you can support yourself and are an "Adult" you are nolonger within the "Supportive" relationship with your parents. And this becomes a "Kinship" relationship where you are friends and all and still keep in contact, but YOU make descisions based on YOU. Now if YOU asked HER to live with you, then it's YOUR choise and she has to accept that. But if SHE's living with you WITHOUT YOUR conscent, then that is NOT her right at all!!! And the Bible would support that view. I'm not saying either to run off, or to chuch her out, but I am saying be as "loving as possible". However if she is not being either helpful or constructive, then she needs to be aware of this, and she needs to be put in her place, because SHE should NO LONGER BE IN CONTROL! And she needs to know that! Otherwise you're just putting yourself through pain for the wrong reasons!...
I hope that helps...

I don't mean to judge or accuse at all, just try and put things right...

I wouldn't just move and leave no fowarding address, but I would stand up to your Mom. Take time for yourself, go out for dinner with just friends, or whatever. If she gripes about it, tough. You must ignore her when she acts like that. She's like a two year old, throwing tantrums and used to getting her own way by doing so. Don't respond to her at all when she behaves like this. If she wants to have a real discussion, then listen. I think if you insist on having some autonomy, she will have to recognize that sooner or later. But you have to be consistent. Don't back down just to keep the peace. I am 36 and share a home with my parents. We eat dinner together every night, and I usually tell them where I'm going, but they don't expect to tag along, unless it's a planned family outing. I keep my room the way I want, and my Mom keeps the rest of the house the way she wants, and we don't interfere with each other's "territory". I have one cabinet and shelving unit in the kitchen that is mine, the rest is hers. I lived alone for several years, which I think helped me establish my own identity, so when we did move back in together, I didn't feel overwhelmed. I love my parents even though I don't always like them. Some times they drive me crazy. But most of the time it works out pretty nicely. I think if you could carve out your own space, whether you move or not, that you would resent your Mom less, and would get along better with her.

I don't think that I can offer anything further to the advice here, especially as your experience is so different from mine. (The height of my mum's interference in my life is the odd lurk on these very pages...Hi Mum! )

But I do hope you can find a way through this without hurting yourself too much. Because I can't help but think that it is time to put yourself first, however difficult that might be.

Lady G - this doesn't sound very different from my grandmother - ie my dad's mother, he being an only child - so here's my advice from that perspective.

My grandmother is *90*. My father is 65 himself, a grandfather 3 times over not getting younger and not always in the best of health. My grandmother has been 'dying' on a professional basois for over thirty years, and has used this to guilt-trip so many times. I wish I could count how many "Last Christmas before I die" there have been - I was obliged to travel from one end of the country to another to attend them - I've given that up now!

Anyyway, my point is this: my Dad has let this overshadow his whole life, always in the theory that she would indeed die eventually, but she's still aroiund and there's less and less time left for my Dad to lead his own life. Don't wait around to live your life - you only get one chance at life. Dad has also become too concerned with the 'what will peopple think?' line, particularly as my grandmother is good at twisting the truth in the stories she tells. Don't worry about other people thinking ill of you: if those people are worth anything, they will seek out and listen to your side of the story. If they jump to conclusiopns that's their problem - no amount of good deeds on your part will combat it.

I made the break with my grandmother some time ago after she was particularly nasty to me behind my back and it just helped me to see our whole relationship in perspective. She's my grandmother and I *love* her, but I do not *like* her- that's a big difference.

It sounds like you, your partner and children are suffering for no appreciable benefit to anyone - she certainly doesn't appreciate it! Parents should give their children wings - I'm glad my parents did their best to do so for me. Look at the situation and keep saying "Who benefits?" It sounds like no-one does at the moment. You will never be able to please your mother, so do the best for your own family, I think. Good luck.

LG it might reassure you to turn the questions around:

Is it right to like someone who is behaving the way your mother is?

Is it right for you to stay in a situation which is so bad for everyone?

Is it right to allow your mother to carry on like this?

If things are as bad as you say it could be that the most caring thing you can do for everyone involved, including your mother, is to make the break.

I felt guilty when I left home to have my own space. Turned out best for everyone, we're all happier and all get on better. (Not that I was in anything like the situation that you are.)
Waz

Cloviscat that sounds exactly like my mother. She's been at death's door ever since she turned 60.
She doesn't often even get headaches but when she does she makes such a fuss people end up calling ambulances and taking her to hospital in the middle of the night.

One night she had heartburn and they rushed her 20 miles to the hospital, did an ecg which found nothing - of course - and sent her home in the morning, so for the past ten years she has told everyone she has a heart problem.

She had a backache once - over twenty years ago and the hospital couldn't find anything so they speculated that such severe pain () might mean either diverticulitis or arthritis in the spine - so she's "had" both those ever since.
The second time she had backache (last year) the doctor asked her whether she had taken any paracetamol and suggested she try taking some and going into the surgery the next day if they didn't work.
Naturally they did but she has since rubbished that doctor's reputation so badly that my daughter doesn't trust him any more (especially since she had another chest pain, 8 or nine years after the first one, and he gave her Gaviscon).

The trouble is everyone believes every word she says. She's such a sweet, kind, generous, helpful old lady and of course I would never have been able to cope with day to day living without her because I'm such a useless article.

And I really don't know how much longer I can continue to cope with day to day life WITH her.

The worst thing is what it's doing to my husband. It doesn't feel fair.