h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I once had to look after someone's monkey for a short while. It used to screw things all the time. It's favourite screwing time was when I had guests over - it just screwed anything in sight. It was enjoying itself though, you could see that the more people were around, the more it enjoyed my embarrassment.
I took it to the park one day, and we watched some advecates of a nearby church filing out one sunday morning. The monkey sat rapt, just watching these guys with a certain awe in its eyes.
'AHA!' I thought, and dabbled with a little reverse psychology. I ran up to the church-goers, tore the hat off the nearest guy and screwed it. Then I ran up the nearest tree and bared my arse, all the while screetching and hooting in a most unseamly manner. My crowning display was excreting into my own hand, spinning around on one foot and then flinging the contents into the assembled mass.

Let me tell you, by the end of the morning, he looked pretty stupid.

Whats all this talk of monkeys?!


CK

You should be careful. Us monkey named people don't take this sort of thing lightly

My mate's brother had a monkey and it used to climb to the highest point in the room, fiddle around and spray the room with monkey love juice, so I can sympathise with your problem. I'm glad he did not try your reverse pychology trisk!

May I suggest the following monkey punishments?


1) Teach your monkey to smoke. It's not cruel but a well known fact that all apes like a crafty puff now and then! Get him started on a low tar brand and after a couple of weeks, change to a high tar < maybe a pack or two a day>.... then when he is good and truly hooked, make him stop!! Don't give him any patches or mints etc. Who's got the power now!!! Thats right, you are in the driving seat.

2) Teach your bad boy to speak. After a year or two, he'll be so proud and full of himself but the laugh is on him. He thinks that he's asking for a glass of water but in fact, you will have cleverly taught him incorrect words for objects and he is actually saying " I smell like a donkeys wig piece"
That should take him down a peg or two!

If you really *are* stuck with the b*gg*r for a month, here's my advice-

Although I have a distinct lack of experience with monkeys, my course would be to treat it like a cross between a 2 year old and a large dog, the latter of which I do have experience with. Try setting aside a room or area which he knows is his. Make the area/room empty of everything expect stuff he can play with, soft toys, coloured plastic bricks etc. Reward him with play with you and food treats when he behaves, ignore him and send him to his room when he's a pain. Don't make a fuss when he does something wrong, as that will encourage him because he's getting attention. Just say NO, firmly, don't shout, but raise your voice a little, then clean it up, ignoring him. If he's smart, he'll soon see that being naughty isn't getting him what he wants, but being good does.
Oh yeah, and the nappies may well be a good idea, as long as he doesn't just rip 'em off.

Best of luck!

Damn! Thought I was on the last page when I posted that