h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Areeet Vim

Brewed in them Cheddar Hills it be. Dash of Ginger Beer in it,lovely.

Cheddar Valley Light is being rolled out for the women and poofs soon i think. Dairylea

Is your mate Billy Bounds cousin? We've got one of them too around our way and it's brilliant. One bloke rared up the other week cos the bloke was buying everyone in the pub beer thus limiting his own greedy intake for the next day (or whenever he ran out of money).

I feel a bit sorry for him, only a tiny little bit mind

£1.90 a pint BTW

I'd forgotten about Billy Bound it's always his round.

This guy is Fifty and a few years ago discovered he had a grown up daughter in Australia and went to visit her and they got on really well.
He's been over a few times to visit her.The time before last he met a woman who was a friend of his daughters and when he came back they kept in touch and he asked her to marry him and she said yes.
so she came over two years ago now to get married spent a couple of weeks with him got cold feet and legged it back to Oz.

There was a lot of bad blood for a time but time is a great healer
and they became friends again.

Last summer he managed to get a 12 month visa to back.
He told the embassy he was staying at his daughters but had a falling out with her before he left.He went and stayed with this girlfriend and they got married on Valentines day.

3 weeks later he's being deported cos he wasn't where he was supposed to be and he'd been working when he wasn't supposed to.

Oh and he's managed to fall out with his son who he brought up after his missus left him and his brother.

When he told me all this I struggled not to burst out laughing.

He's now applied for permanent residence and with a bit of luck he'll be off next month.

Frankly I can't wait cos it means he'll stop keep phoning me up at work cos a conversation with him is like Groundhog day.

Sorry to ramble on but I wanted you to understand the pain I have to go through in exchange for a pint or two now and then.

Looks like I've upset Pies and one or two others on the fishing board.
Finally hooked up(pun unintended)with Stool Harvester and we got involved in a very silly conversation on somebodys thread about Sweden.

You'll no doubt have a look for yourself so I won't bother with the details.
Anyway Pies has asked "why all the vitriol" as if he hasn't worked it out for himself.

Think I better less it for a bit don't want to get banned again

Everning Vim

It must be a pre-requisite for social misfits like your mate who buys the beer to be as boring as humanly possible. Ours is just the same, and when he corners you it's deadly.

Joined in on the Sweden thread gonna have to work to keep up with this one, the boy's clearly got something special

Oh yeah, pies...i saw him rallying round the fishing board for allies earlier,
seems like he's the sensitive type

Try not to go too mad on him though mate, only a month to go now...

Afternoon Natch
Excellent news he's got his visa
A good day yesterday
Started out a bit depressed as I thought Stoolie was having a pop at me,turned out it was probably our mate Pies.

Then some Gooners and another United fan declared the Sweden thread the best ever. Then got invited onto the Arsenal board and spent the rest of the day talking absolute nonsence and having a great laugh.
Their board is much more fun than the United board.
It's just what I joined for.

See Ya later mate

A'reet Natch

The Stasi have shut down the Sweden Thread the B'stards

We'll have to hijack another thread now.

A'reet Vim

Best to take it a bit sensible mate, looks like Stoolies been banned

Damn and blast their goggly mod eyes.

Not surprised really he had disappeared for a while,maybe he was in pre-mod again and this was the final straw for him.

A'reet Natch
Only one day to go 'til holiday
Two weeks and no work.

A boring day on the boards today

My girls at Bristol Zoo today.

Last time I was there I caught by the politically correct mob.
I shouted "Look a mongoose"
and someone tapped me on the shoulder and said
"No it's a special needs goose"

Courtesy Sean Locke.

Mentally challenged mammals.

Areet Vim, hope your daughter had a good time (and never had to pay to park)

Here's a little test of mental agility for you, topical aswell what with being in the game an all.
See what you think...

TEACHING MATHS PROGRESS

1. Teaching maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut 0A something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protest s and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send th eir cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

Areet Natch

Can't believe you bothered to type all that in.

How have things been?
Any controversy on 606 of note.

As you can tell back home after a wet and windy week down in Dorset/Hampshire but a good time had by all.Plenty of Guinness but strangely no black poo!

See ya later mate

Areet Vim good to see you back mate, 606 is terminally boring at the moment
so we'll have to liven it up a bit for 'em

Morning Natch
You're right about 606 it's got so dull I couldn't be bothered to wind Pies up.The United board is devoid of humour at the best of times but it's worse than ever at the minute.

Having said that there was a good thread the other day about what your teams best 11 would be.There was a scouse lad who calls himself Mark The Mad who was subjected to what amounted to cyber bullying.
His spelling was terrible and everytime he typed a response in someone pulled him up over it and the more irate he got, the more incoherent he became.
It all got worse for him when someone said "it's football,not Pokemon"
and that was it for him cos he admitted to still play Pokemon.
It was his 17th birthday yesterday
Here's a link www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/F14354...

Is everything alright Natch.You have been quiet this week.

Hiya Vim

First time i've even looked at hootoo for an age so i've only just seen your two previous posts.

Thanks for enquiring if things are ok, much appreciated mate and i'm touched by your concern.

Truth is, things are about as ok as being a mouse in a cattery to be honest I've got a couple of heavy things to deal with at the moment. Me and my girl have had a few problems and my Nans on her last legs which is causing my Mum a tremendous upset and i need to keep a close eye on her as she is bi-polar and i'm worried about her slipping over the edge which is about as heavy as it gets in my world.

Oh well, chin up and keep the faith and all that....

Good to see you've made some friends on 606 Your talent for humour should be played out to a wider audience in my view and it's good to see the gooners appreciating it.

I'll try to join in when i'm in the right frame of mind mate

Now, has anyone seen a mojo about? Lost my fecker but i'm pretty sure i know where to find it

All the very best mucker

A'reet Natch
Sorry to hear about your woes,Lot of shit to deal with eh.
Not much I can say really except as you say chin up etc...
I'm sure things will all work themselves out in time.

Think I might have found your mojo we had a whole bag of them in the charity sweetbox.What flavour was yours?

My mum gets the Guardian and they've been giving away reprints of comics from the sevnenties and eighties and she saved me Whizzer and Chips which really wasn't funny at all(but there again it was aimed at 8-12 year olds, I'm nearly fifty and there was no bottom humour in it at all)and Roy of the Rovers and it was the one when Roy Race got shot in a Dallas like who shot RR storyline.Pretty tame when you look back on it.

Anyway better get some work done before I go off to play with the Gooners.

Areet Vim

RED mojo of course mate . I demand that no blue ones go in the bag!

Looking back at old comic books is great for the nostalgia, I gave all my old magazines to my little bruv when i got on tinternet

I see you're getting on with the gooners like a house on fire, i'll have to get to know them to join in the craic, the length of their names do confuse me though, don't take a lot to be fair. Take me some time to learn the language aswell I think. Pink socks and hot pockets and what not

Full blown man-flu over my end at the moment No Natch for me for a few days

Work is sporadic as ever, which i'm quite grateful for to be honest, but the boys 18th and christmas is just around the corner (which was nice ) so with a bit of luck it'll pick up soon...

Good to be back in touch mate and thanks for the good wishes, have a few on me

All the best mucker

Natch