h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Morning Natch
Hope you get to see this.Enjoy
Many Years ago when I still lived at me Mums I used to go to the pub after work every night sink 4 or 5 pints of Guinness(sometimes even more)then wander home.
Well,one night I'd drunk the usual amount of the black stuff and decided it was time to go home.I needed a dump but decided to wait until I got back,the walk home was about 2 miles and I wasn't desperate.

However halfway home I had excruciating shooting pains right up the old marmite motorway as my council gritter went into spasm.I just had to stop and wait until the pain eased.This happened about 3 times,the last time about 100 yards from my front door.At this point I somewhat quickened my pace.I couldn't get the key in the lock quick enough.I got the door open and legged it up the stairs.

It was at this point things started to go downhill(quite literally)
I didn't go straight to the bog,oh no,I had to detour to my room to pick up some appropriate reading material to look at while unloading
(Viz usually does the trick)but couldn't find anything immediately
so just grabbed the nearest thing to hand(can't remember book it was)

By now the pressure on my nipsy was almost unbearable so I thought it might be a good idea if I actually went into the bog.
So I locked the door behind me and started to pull my jeans and pants down.

Before I had managed to get them down fully my sphincter gave way under the stress and I dropped my cargo all over the back of the toilet seat,over the back of my T shirt It was absolutely everywhere
and I still had to sit down and finish off!

Then I had to clean up.I took off my shirt getting Sh*t in my hair
so I had to have a shower to remove all the black sticky mess.
Washed my pants and T shirt in the basin before throwing them away
Chucked my jeans in the washing machine as they hadn't taken the brunt of it and could be salvaged.

I had to clean the bog and thought I did a pretty good job of it
until next morning my mother started yelling cos she had to clean the bog again.

Funny thing is I didn't tell anybody what had happened as I was ashamed.Until the following Saturday lunchtime in the pub with me mates and a couple of Guinness inside me I felt able to unburden myself of the guilt.

Anyway the moral is if you need to drop your kids off at the pool don't take unnecessary detours just do it.
Hope you enjoyed this unpleasant little tale and laugh at it as much as my mates did at me when I told them.
I might take this around the after dinner speaking circuit in future!

See you later mate
Vim

Morning Vim
Well fairplay mate,an yeah you've given me a right old laugh this morning. Very well written too,it conjured up a load of mental images of high comedy value. Well everyone's got a story or two to tell about this subject so here's mine..

When i was 16 i left school and 2 weeks later i started working for my mates Dad and his mate as a brickies labourer in a 2+1 gang.
I was skinny as a rake and although i thought i was a man of the world i clearly wasn't. Well by the Friday morning i was nearly dead with fatigue,being barked at,and generally abused.
By the dinnertime i had had enough and was ready to jack. Just before our break i was ordered to move a huge pile of bricks that i had already loaded out and it nearly sent me over the edge.

Anyway i started to shift these bricks and i discovered a fifty pound note underneath the top couple of layers,i couldn't believe my luck could i? A furtive glance over my shoulder was met by 2 hairy ass brickies grinning at me. That was their hilarious way of paying me my weeks wages which left me a bit peeved to say the least.

Then they announced that we were all going up the pub for a few beers as is traditional on a Friday. I was already used to drinking at this stage in my life due to playing rugby and coming from an Irish family,so i thought sound,that'll do me.

Trouble was i wasn't used to drinking in the daytimes with not a lot to eat and after about 4 Blackthorns i was quite pissed. So back to site we went,and i was told to do the last mix for the day cos we were going early. I got the muck in the barrow and headed indoors. Trouble was i had to navigate a ramp of 2 scaffold planks with an incline to get inside the building. Well i got half way across and with the extra exertion i had to produce to get it up there it was inevitable that something had to give...

...cue discharge!!! And i mean a cider induced discharge,everywhere it was,nightmare mate. And with that i dropped the barrow of muck straight into the ditch and i was in a fair old mess.

I had to get cleaned up the best i could with paper towells,throw my trousers away and travel home in a pair of cement covered waterproofs with the windows down in the van and 3 pissed off people. Happy days.

Only one way to tell a story mate,the Irish way! Couldn't do that on 606 could i?

Catch you later mate,i've got a bit to do today and that took me ages!
Natch

Afternoon Natch
Excellent


Here's another couple of poo related stories that thankfully don't involve me this time.
A mate of mine who's now dead god bless his soul told me about the time him and a mate went to Bournemouth for the weekend and booked themselves into a B & B then when out on the p155 and pulled a couple of girls and snuck them back into the B & B.

After some fun they all fell asleep until my mate heard
a voice whispering "Eric,Eric"
"F**k off I'm asleep" replied Eric
"Eric what do you do when you've shat on a bird?"
"Oh for F*cks sake,look you do what you normally do,you just lie about whatever you've done"
"No I mean really shat on a bird" said Erics mate"look"
and he pulled back the bed clothes and showed Eric.

Apparently Erics mate and one of the girls had fallen asleep with the girl cuddled up to him from behind.What with all the booze and the curry after Erics mate had a large fart brewing which he let go and followed through all over the poor young lady.

Eric said"Get dressed quickly and quietly we're going"
They crept down the stairs and were just going out the door when they heard an almighty scream as the girl woke up.
but cos they left in a hurry they hadn't time to clean up and the smell in the car on the way home was awful.

I'll tell you the other story later mate
Vim
look

Right back again.I do have to do some work from time to time
Anyway the other tale involving the legendary Eric goes like this

One night Eric was in the pub with two of his mates and one of their girlfriends.They had been chatting about this and that as you do and for reasons I have never been entirely clear about the young lady said something that upset Eric and an argument ensued.

Things calmed down again the conversation reverted to idle banter.
At some point Eric managed to get hold of the girls handbag and snuck it out to the toilet where he managed to leave her a present of a massive turd.
He snuck it back by her chair(though I've never been sure how nobody noticed the smell)and their it sat until it was time to go.
Eric insisted on walking to the bus station with his mate his girlfriend to see them off.

When the bus came in Eric waited until she got on and then slowly away knowing what was coming.
As she reached in her bag for her purse to pay the driver she found his little gift.

He described the scream as blood curdling and the bus station in Aylesbury was under ground and it Reverberated like hell.

I cannot confirm the veracity of either of these stories as I was not present in both cases.And no I'm not Eric, if I had done it I would be proudly laying claim to them myself.
Still,made us all laugh in the pub during one Saturday lunchtime session that was the best sesh of the week.
See ya later mate
Vim

Just had a thought
When I was Vim on 606 did that make me a Keyboard warrior of Genghis Khan?

Evening Vim
Quality yarns mate,Eric sounds like he was a proper card,the sort of guy who lived his life to the full.
IF we go somewhere when we're done down here(or up here!) he's surely partying on,and like i say IF that's the way it is then he'll have met my big bruv Steve up there cos he's sure as hell to be partying! Whoops,i said sure as hell then didn't i,is that allowed!?

I digress,would you beleive i've got a related incident? thought so...
I doubt you've ever heard of Mickey Tanner or Tunes(as in loony) but he used to come from our area and used to play for the City in the mid eighties.

He was a legend round our way,still is but he has calmed down a bit now(case of having to). Anyway he was renowned for all sorts of crazy stuff and we were all at the pub after football on a Saturday about 10 o'clock,sufficiently cidered up of course but all having a great time with all the banter that goes with it.

He said to us 'watch this boys' or something to that effect,walked up to the bar and asked for a pint. With all eyes on him he picked up an empty pint off the bar and while the barmaid went off to get his cider he deposited a great big steamer into the pint pot.

When the poor barmaid returned he produced this horrible mess and said

'And can i have a dockers half in there please love!'
The barmaid scarpered,we were all disolved into hysterics and he came back and sat down with a dopey grin on his face with a free pint!

Someone obviously dealt with his toxic waste and no harm was done. Except for the barmaid who was a bit traumatised,she was bought a few drinks so everyone a winner

Takes it out of me this storytelling mind,might have to get back to what we do best...keyboard warriors of Ghengis Khan!!
I've been posting on 606 quite a lot today,didn't get a lot done in the end. Not the same without you mate,i've actually been involved in real football debate which is something i vowed not to do when i started it but then again you've got to let the divvys from the North side of the river know whats what eh?

Give me a shout if you're about mate,i'm getting pixel eye over here, but this is all good for my typing skills,couldn't do another marathon yarn though,my head hurts.

Soon Vim
Natch

Evening Natch
I was looking at 606 earlier and there were one or two comments that
really needed a typical Vim/Billy response to send take the whole thread off on a silly tangent but all I could do was look on longingly.I might give it a a couple of months and start again when they've forgotten about me hopefully.

Liked the Mickey Tanner story.I think all clubs had at least one nutter playing for them back in the 80's it was the law.
They just don't make players like that anymore

Looks like Didcot are in play-offs unless they lose their last game and Thatcham win about 25-0

Ha my missus is pissed off she's an Ipswich fan and it looks like Roy Keane is going to take over from Jim Magilton who got saked today.
She really can't stand Keano she said Great We're going to have a thug as a manager
I really can't see what her problem is

Saked? too much rice wine perhaps.
he was sacked of course. Must remember to preview before posting

Hey there Vim
just a quick one,i've been on 606 tonight and you know when everything goes your way and it's like taking candy from a baby,well i don't suppose you would actually cos you're boards are a lot different to ours,but have a look at my comments and you'll get the jist of it,i'll be about tomorrow for some quickfire nonsense,gotta go mate i am crackered and a bit pizzzzzzzzzd
Natch

Morning Natch
Priceless,sometimes people just don't know when to shut up do they

Afternoon Vim
Priceless or Pointless? Just like candy from a baby.
That 'saghead1964' is easy meat but i did feel a bit sorry for him in the end as he's obviously not all there and he clearly enjoys being on 606. Like you said though some people don't know when to shut up...and he started on me first...sod it actually,he had it coming!

That's a bit of a mad one then Keane going to Ipswich,gonna be seeing him scowling up and down the touchline before long. The Sunderland fans think highly of him but not too sure about the players...
To be fair Magilton had enough time and he sure had enough money,i'm surprised he lasted this long,their fans haven't been happy all year.
A new era for Ipswich perhaps?

Looking good for Didcot,who will we have in the playoffs?


ps. used to love playing hackey sack!

Afternoon Natch
Looks like Windsor and Eton(Posh bastards)or AFC Totton in play-off semi.

Do you think Keano will buy a tractor? I like the idea of him as a farmer.
I can see him now shotgun under his arm and yelling Get orf moi laaahd
at anyone who goes within 3 miles of his farmhouse.

If you get a minute pop over to the United board and have a look at an article called Cracked Actor and look for a posting by RedorDead and then Music is the Best.The Music guy bangs on about Irony but spells it wrong then posts again correcting himself and I thought he was being Ironic in the first place.His own Irony was lost on him .

Natch
Here's a joke for you
a scouser dies and before he goes to heaven he arrives at St Peters'
Gates
"Age?" St Peter asks
"24" replies the little scouser
"Where did you live? asks Peter
"Well um Liverpool"
"Were you Red or Blue?"
"Red Til I died"
"Sorry no scousers allowed in heaven robbin'little twats the lot of em"
"But I have done good things"
"Like what?"
"Well last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to Oxfam and the day I died I gave ten pounds to the heart foundation."
"Well I see what I can do I'll go and explain the situation to God"
After half an hour Peter returns followed by God who's wearing a United shirt
God says
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes and what with giving 30 quid to charity and I have come up with a solution"
What is it say's the Scouser
"Well here is your 30 quid now piss off!"

Nice one A couple of ammendments and that one will be going on my latest thread

Just saw that thread you were on about Once again some people don't know when to quit,very inorik... I did a similar one a couple of weeks ago(just took me a while to find it),it's called 'Life after Lambert' and was written by a City fan and at the time we had a load of jealous sagheads on our boards and i was not in a very good mood so i was all over their board like a rash. I went into full grade 'A' nause mode for a day. Look for Kampucheagas quite near the end.

If Farmer Palmer does buy a traater at Ipswich i can show him how to drive it
Comes with the territory mate
Funnily enough i used to drive one during a stint doing tree surgery!

Tally ho towards the play offs with a bit of luck what what.
Now where did i put my glass of Pimms?...oh there it is next to Tarquins hamper,jolly spiffing.
Natch

Evening Natch
If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never­ swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike. What's­ the difference between a Scouser and a­ coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's­ a coconut. What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed­ semi?
A burglar. What do you call a Scouse woman in­ a white shell-suit?
The bride. What do you call a­ Scouser in a suit?
The accused. Man walks into a­ shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for­ my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head­ are you? Why does the River Mersey run through­ Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged. ­ What do you say to a Scouser with a job?
Big Mac­ please

.......they're oldies but goodies!!
All above just waiting for the apropriate amendments

Evening Vim
Quality once again i'll lob them on 'The Afterbirth' in a minute. Can't believe it's still there

Hey Natch
Nice to see them going down well on your thread
Liked the 3 blind mice and a sheeps head
And the Snoop/Dr Dre one
How about
What did Dr Steven Hawkin say when his computer crashed?
Nothing.

Walkers have brought out some new semen flavoured crisps and are marketing them as diet crisps as 98.5% of women will just spit them out

Hey Vim
have we finally caught up at last?
Loving the Steven Hawkins one