h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

'I feel seasick,' stutters Alex, 'I'm going to chunder.'

The sideways manoeuvre onto the ferry has made him feel giddy. He tried to force away the waves of nausea by sucking his orange, but to no avail. Leggy, her mouth covered in a sticky white mess, looks at him with concern.

'Here, you can use this as a sick-bag,' says Leggy, who is proffering a black bowler hat. 'I found this tucked away in the cab and I thought it might come in handy in the Bahamas, just in case it rains. I found some masking tape, some leather whips, a mask and a soiled copy of Well-Hung'. Whoever was here before obviously liked it a bit rough.'

'Thanks, Leggy. Where is Thumbs?'

'I think he may have passed out. He seemed a little nervous earlier. I can't think why.'

Suddenly, there is knocking on the cab door: who can this be?

It's a random passer-by: "Can anyone remember IVAR's log-in?" he asks, sexily.

'No,' replies Alex. 'Who is IVAR?'

Blank looks.

"IVAR" shrieks Leggy "I remember you... you're the one who's always saying 'turn it up now then turn it up'... aren't you?... No?... oh well then I don't know who you are either..."

The awkward silence is broken as suddenly an enormous Cake is pushed into the cab on a trolley. Naturally this is a tricky manouevere, and several candles are jettisoned... The cake bursts open & out jump a scantily-clad nurse and a basketball-player...

"Happy Birthdays to You!..... Happy Brithdays Leggy & Alex"

Everyone looks embarassed as the Nurse attempts to remove Leggy's leggings & the Basketball Player smooches up to Alex.

The putative IVAR attempts a look of innocence...

It's still not safe then...to come in that is

Crikey...is it the wrong kind of deodrant?????

Leggy is feeling bemused. Who are these strangers with silly names (Rupert for god's sake!) and why are they here. Slowly it dawns on her that the ferry must have docked ..... but where?

As Alex is still being sick and Thumbs has apparently gone into a coma, she decides to take a look for herself....

Leggy disembarks - and what a sight meets her eyes... all around her clean white sand, the sun beating down, the enticing waves breaking along a narrow band of shingle.

"Excellent!" she cries.."Now, lets get my swimsuit on and a couple of Tequila Shandies down my neck"

But before she can begin to put this plan into action, 2 old men with long beards approach. They grab her by the arms and before she realises what is happening they cover her entirley in a Bhurka and frog-march her away......

'Mr Jackson, we have intruders,' says one of the old men. 'I think there are two others, but they appear to have slipped through.' Leggy is bundled to the floor in front of a stocky, dark, bearded man. He appears irritated.

The man stares quizzically at the prostrate figure before him.

'Speak.'

Leggy's throat feels parched; she had been looking forward to those tequila shandies, but now fear prevents her from speaking. The burkha is removed.

'Look,' she stammers, 'I'm sorry, but we were meant to be going to The Bahamas and must have taken a wrong turning. We didn't mean to come to Afghanistan...'

'Afghanistan? What the bloody hell are you talking about? This is New Zealand, woman. You've trespassed onto the set of Lord of the Rings Part Four: The Tower of the Stringfellow.

'We've had the tabloids sniffing around all week trying to get a glimpse of Cate Blanchett in the buff and now you turn up. Strewth!'

Leggy feels relief and panic at the same time. Then she realises: the man is none other than Peter Jackson and her two kidnappers were Sir Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee. She had been kidnapped by two ageing drama queens. But something is not quite right...

'But hold on,' she cries, 'there isn't a part four! You're lying...'

'DAMN! RUMBLED! Guards! Take her away...'

Leggy is feeling stunned. If it wasn't bad enough being dragged off my the old beardy men, before she was thrown into the cell she had to fill in a 48-page Aien Registartion form incuding a whole load of personal details about her paternal great-grandma's maiden name and who was her favourite one out of Blue.

"It's a good job great-great-granny was ahead of her time" thought Leggy, "or I would have been a bit stuck on that one".

Deciding to make the best out of the situation Leggy takes a quick reccy of the cell. "Mmm. Tequila shandy supplies - , er, none. OK. Tobacco availabilty - 3 dogends - well, they might be dogends - or they might be ... well, none then. Ok. Fanciable men?" Here Leggy brightened up a little, as the cell was certainly inhabitited by some-one, or something..... but what?