h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Narrator: And here our story starts. Well duh, I didn't exactly think that this would be the end?

CAPTION:

Narrator: Hey what's going on here?

THE END.

Narrator: No, No, No! I was being sarcastic, can we just start this again please?

CAPTION: Yes I think we can.

Fade to Black.

(INT. The Lair of the Caption Writer)

Caption Writer: Soon, it shall be "The Lord Caption Writer Saga". Starring me.

Caption: "Evil Genius"

Caption Writer: Not even Lord Mike will be able to stop me, now that I have the power of the captions. Bwahahah

Caption: "Evil Laugh"

(Int. Mills Mannor)

Caption: "All is quiet in the Mills-Mannor"

Lord Mike: Don't you think it's very quiet here today, Lance.

Lance (looking up from trying to look inside a tube of toothpaste): Not really no.

Lord Mike: Me neither... but the caption just said.

Caption: "Lance is very sleepy."

Lance: Am I feeling sleepy Lord Mike?

Lord Mike: How am I supposed to know?

Lance: I don't know... it's just... I didn't think I was... but the caption...

Lord Mike: Something very strange is going on here... Quic to the Mil-

Caption: "The Mills-Mobile is in for it's 120 adventure MOT"

Lord Mike: -ls-Mobile.

Lance: But it's in for it's 120 adventure MOT.

Lord Mike: No it's not.

Lance: But... but the caption...

Lord Mike (close up on his eyes): I've never trusted the writing at the bottom of the screen...

Caption: "The next episode will be very good"

(Lord Mike is sitting in the Dentist's chair while the Dentist is elsewhere. Opening his eyes he looks around him blurry eyed and quickly removes his glasses from his face. He doesn't wear glasses?)

Lord Mike:... Ugghh?

Dentist VO: No Mr Mills I'm afraid that operation on that molar of yours was quite extensive. You'll be unable to speak for quite some time unless you want to cause immediate damage.

Lord Mike: Ug?

Dentist: That's right, plenty of silence though since you'll be a mute perhaps we should run this episode as silent?

Lord Mike: ......

Dentist: Exactly, now just lie back and relax while I get your bill ready, your credit card number is 13 13 for MM isn't it?

Lord Mike: Uuuug!

Dentist: Won't be a moment.

(The Dentist leaves the surgery and is immediately grabbed by an unknown hand and pulled into a cupboard just as the door to the waiting room opens and in walks the Nurse.)

Nurse: Dentist? Dentist? I would call you by name but you haven't been given one?

Voice: Um not to worry Nurse or assistant, why should a dentist have a nurse with him?

Nurse: In case you have an accident and you need me to to help you?

Voice: I see, well please walk into this cupboard where I intend to knock you out and use your outfit!

Nurse: But Dentist it isn't Wednesday today? Oh well as long as it's just you?

(She walks skimpily over to the cupboard where another unknown hand grabs her and there is a few giggles.)

Nurse: Ooh you beast! Ooh Dentist you really know what to do! Hey you're not the Dentist and why are you dressed up like him?

(Suddenly two figures emerge from the cupboard and approach the bed where Lord Mike lies, as he opens his eyes he stares in horror at a living nightmare! Lord Ike as the Dentist wearing a Kilt and Stefan Ford in a dress!)

Lord Ike: No Lord Mike you aren't dreaming, it is us back for revenge!

Lord Mike: ...Ugh?

Lord Ike: What's the matter? Cat got your tonghue, well knowing this Dentist he could very well be a butcher!

Steafn: According to this chart he's unable to speak, he's speechless!

Lord Ike: Good but hey what are you up to? I hope that dress is giving you ideas with your name?

Steafn: I like it it, it's exotic. In this dress I feel very relieved and so unstrained by your masculinity!

Lord Ike: Shut up you you spongy, weedy excuse for a pillock dressed in a skirt.

Stefan: It's a dress actually, we do want to keep into continuity here and anyway I've never seen a Dentist in a kilt?

Lord Ike: I'm Scottish, all the time everyone's told I'm Scottish and aside from being told there's really no evidence aside from this!

Stefan: It must be very dangerous for you, supposing you have an accident?

Lord Ike: Och aye wee Stefan I don't nae wear the Devil's garment beneath!

Stefan: You what?

Lord Ike: The Devil's garment confining my scruttocks!

Stefan: Language Lord Ike, this is supposed to be a family show!

Lord Ike: Aye well with you in a dress we might just get by, now back to the patient on the table. Yes Lord Mike this the next step in our evil escapades!

Lord Mike:.....

Stefan: Exactly, you're as sharp as ever!

Lord Ike: Yes, I plan to clean your teeth with an unmedicated toothbrush thus causing a less chance of probable gum disease and a chance of unpleasant feel on the teeth!

Lord Mike: ....

Stefan: Yes, that's what I said. He never thinks through these plans.

Lord Ike: Quite Stefan! Indeed I might instead to keep you here and hold everyone up by delaying their day and they'll blame you and I will win!

Stefan: Actually they'll blame the Dentist which is more than likely. Why not instead use the drill to cut out his teeth or hideously mutilate him, we are supposed to be villains here!

(Suddenly the door opens and in walks Sir Lance.)

Sir Lance: Hi ho Lord Mike, what's up?

Lord Mike:.....

Stefan: The ceiling.

Sir Lance: Really? Good grief so there is! And what's that shining lighty thing?

Stefan:The lights.

Sir Lance: Oh yeah. So how's Lord Mike?

Lord Ike: Sir Lance,curses!

Sir Lance: I do not. I barely know the meaning of the word.

Lord Ike: What word?

Sir Lance: Um?
Brain: So the murderer on the train could not possibly have been a a man or a woman because there were no footprints, fingerprints or any markings whatsoever so we're dealing with an amphorus blob...
Sir Lance: Hey, a bit of help here?
Brain: What? Who? Oh no, not you. I was having this great dream about being a brain a detective's head.
Sir Lance: I need help about this word.
Brain: What word would that be?
Sir Lance: The word that this Dentist asked me what word I didn't know the meaning of?
Brain: Ah... You've lost me again! Hey, that's Lord Ike and Stefan Ford in a skirt!
Sir Lance: Actually it's a dress and what was it you said just now?
Brain: Oh forget it, now look what's happened- we're wasting precious time on the story. Now just say anything, I need a rest.

Sir Lance: Quack!

Lord Ike: I'm not a Doctor, I'm a dentist.

Sir Lance: Oh, how interesting. Are you all right Lord Mike?

Stefan: As you can see he's utterly speechless.

Lord Ike: You've used that joke before and it was a bad joke at that!

Stefan: It's just a way of getting rid of the twit so the story can continue.

Lord Ike: Good and now I'll stop this blurry eyed person once and for all! Put your glasses on!

Sir Lance: Glasses? I didn't know he wore them or tubulars for that matter?

Stefan: Interesting? It feels like a distortion of the space time fabric of the speed of continuity?

Sir Lance: Eh?

Stefan: I saw it on an episode of Space Trek some years back- it confused me too!

Lord Ike: What are ye saying ya wee sassenach?

Sir Lance: Nothing, it was him!

Brain: What's this? A disruption of the space/ time vortex! And it seems that you Lance are the only one unaffected!
Sir Lance: I am?
Brain: Of course you are. Lord Ike's gone all Scottish, Stefan's wearing a dress and Lord Mike wears glasses!
Sir Lance: I don't follow you?
Brain: Of course you don't, I'm in your head. We have to stop this disruption before something truly horrible happens?
Sir Lance: Ooh like what?
Brain: Well you might start to think on your own!
Sir Lance (Shudder): Ooh the horror!
Brain: Exactly! Quick to Professor Watt's laboratory!
Sir Lance: Oh, why are we going there?
Brain: Because Little Leprachans live in the woodworks, because you clattering ninny Watt has a working Time machine, remember the Improbable plan?
Sir Lance: Um no?
Brain: Never mind, quick- to the laboratory scene we've wasted too much on this scene!
Sir Lance: Leprachans and their little pots of gold, gold!
Brain: Yes whatever, now say something to excuse yourself and go!

Sir Lance: Excuse me there, all of you but I really have to QUACK! Bysie Bysie Lordy Mikey!
Brain: Well thank goodness the time disruptions have made no serious changes to him.

(Sir Lance skips and jumps out of the room while Lord Ike now wearing a tam o'shanter and a thick red beard while Stefan sits in the corner glossing his nails.)

Lord Ike: Sooo Lord Mike did ya wee brain think you could match the might of I, Laird Ike? Sister Stefan I have need of your service?

Stefan: Oh go away you man, I'm not that kind of woman.

Laird Ike: Exactly, so if you wouldn't mind loosening my...?

STING!

Laird Ike: Something just stung me on my bare backside, would ye mind kissing it better?

Stefan: No, you, you man! I've got a date with someone who appreciates me.

Nibbles: Eeeeep?

Stefan: Ooh what strange words you say.

Nibbles: Eeeeeep eeep eep eeep carrot, eeep eeeeeeeep eeeeep bonk on the head, eeeeeeeeeeep Ahem eeeeeeeep Ooh!

Int Professor Joule's lab

Sir Lance skips in and bows low in front of Professor Joule

Lance: Professor Joule? I thought this was Profesor Watt's lab!

Prof. Joule: Hello, dear Lance. How are you?

Lance: Wait, where's Watt?

Prof. Joule: WHo's Watt?

LAnce: What?

Prof. Joule: No, Watt?

Lance: Why?

Prof. Joule: When?

Lance: I've no idea.

Prof. Joule: Quite.

Lance: I need your time machine.

Prof. Joule: You can't use it!

Lance: Why?

Prof. Joule: Didn't you read the Inconsidorable Idea: .01? It got destroyed by a wet kipper!

LAnce: Oh, drat, well do you know of any active time vehicles?

Prof. Joule: Hmm, you could try the Trout Pagoda, there's a guy named Dr. Crustaceanson.

Lance Brain: (LB) Psst, time/space distortions are everywhere!
Lance: Well, duh I'm not stupid!
LB: THat's debatable!
Lance: What? Why would I want to unbait anything?
LB: Just go to the Trout Pagoda and do something that furthers this plot!
Lance: Oh, fine.

LAnce leaves, nearly rushing into Lady Marian and Steven Ford.

Lady Marian: Hello, Lance, what are you doing today?

Lance: Saving the day.

Steven: I doubt that.

Lance: Well, I'm off to the Trout Pagoda.

Steven: Who feels this was a very stilted attempt at expositon and character entrance?

Lady Marian and Lance raise their hands.

Steven: Good I thought I was the only one.

Lady Marian: Quickly to the Wer Roadster!

As they run to the large Motorcycly thing with a double side carriage the thirty minute cliffhanger occurs.

A giant battle bot with a menacing looking shilaylee is coming down the street laser beaming the buildings on both sides of the road.

THe regular cast gasps in apparent fear!

Da da dada!!!!!!

: Lady Marian and company jump into the Wer Roadster and roared off towards the Trou-er-Salmon Pagoda. Thanks to Professor Jo-er-Watt.

Lance: THe spatial tides must be shifting!
LAnce's Brain: Not totally, you're getting cleverer and cleverer. Now keep wowing them this is our chance to break the mold!
LAnce: Why are we ripping green bread? I mean quack!
LAnce's Brain: NEver mind.

Lady Marian: Now, I may be a green horn at this whole saving the boards, but why are we going to the Salmon Pagoda?

Steven: According to the last post Lance is looking for a time machine.

Lady Marian: Isn't it amazing that we don't have to yell over the wind and roar of the engine.

Steven: That's because we're not going anywhere.

Lance: Strange, the green wall is displaying a moving background!

The Effects guy: Oh, drat forgot to turn on the fan, just a sec'.

Sound Guy: The engine sound won't work, I'll work on it!

Suddenly the Wer Roadster is assaulted by gale force winds! The engine sound roars to life!

Lady Marian: That's better.

Steven: (shouting) What?

LAnce: (Shouting) No, I was talking to Professor Watt!
Lance's Brain: (shouting) Not now, you git!

They roll up to the Salmon Pagoda. A lobster like professor sidesteps over to them.

Lobsterton: What are you doing here this entire building is supposed to be in a temporal disjunction!

Lady MArian: Don't ask me we're with Lance.

Everyone looks to Lance. A thought (pfft yeah whatever) bubble appears above him and is playing a recording of the Hamster Dance.

Lance's Brain: Stop this they're looking at you, do something that's impressive, this is your chance!
LAnce: (doing a fancy jig) Quack Quack QuackQuack!
Lance's Brain: Not what I planned, but I have to admit that's impressive.

Lobsterton pulls a gun and ushers Marian, Steven and Lance into the Salmon Pagoda which slowly dematerialises.