h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A story about the actions one person will throught to get their revenge and also a story on how dangerous the current sheep situation is. We bring you The Sheeping to inform and scare you!!!


[Int. Mills manor]

Steven, Lance and Lord Mike are all watching the evening news, well Mike's watching the news and Lance and Steven are making faces.

Steven: (lifting a paper plate) Look it's Tony Blair and he's so happy!

He lifts the paper plate showing Mike, who nods approvingly even though it's just a smiley face and acrooked one at that.

Television: This just in, another Yorkshire, sheep attack has taken in, umm, Yorkshire, I mean it's all pretty much is the same.

Lord Mike: Who, in their right mind, would hurt a sheep?

Lance: Are you insinuating that people in their left mind are sheep mutilators?

Lord Mike: (quickly changing subject because the author can't think of an acceptable answer to Lance's question) Shhh, listen to the news!

Farmer on the Telly: Aye, tha's righ' it came righ' ou' o' no where 'n' attacked me! Righ' odd tha'. Sheep are usualla so neece I don' understan' wha' 'appened.

Steven: Yorkshire, isn't that...?

Lord Mike: Yes!

Lance: And wasn't that where....?

Lord Mike: Yes!

Steven: But didn't you see...?

Lord Mike: Yes, but it isn;t the first time a villain that was supposed to be dead came back. Just look at the Master!

THey do and Anthony Ainley waves at them!

Steven: Do you really think it could be?

Lord Mike: A fall from a blimp or no fall from a blimp the chances are telling me to say maybe.

Lance: (counting down) Ten, nine, eight, err,err. Oi, Steven what's after eight?

Steven: (guessing) Umm, four.

Lance: Right, thanks. Four, three, two, one.

Lord Mike: TO the Millsmobile!!

Steven: (astounded) Amazing!!

Lord Mike: Lance, how many times do I have to say it, don't use your script to make Steven think you've got ESP!

Lance: Err, counting this time, seven hundred thirty two!

Lord Mike: Or, if using proper math, once I believe this is the first time!

As they walk out to the Millsmobile; Lance is tries to recount but has problems, because he isn't wearing his special counting sandals!

INT:Emperor Martins castle.

(Emperor Martin sits at his desk doing a crossword puzzle)

Emperor Martin: 15 across...opposite of entrance...ah to hell with this!

(he turns the page and begins to read the news in the paper)

Emperor Martin: Someone has been attacking sheep eh?

(he looks around to see that nobody is actually there with him)

Emperor Martin: Who the hell I am talking to? I really have to stop this.

(the phone rings, Emperor Martin picks it up)

Emperor Martin: Yello!

Voice: I need your help...

Emperor Martin: I see, well give me a moment while I contact someone who cares...

(he puts the phone down, and smiles)

Emperor Martin: Well that was fun...I should really start thinking these things instead of saying them...

(The phone rings again)

Emperor Martin: Yello.

Voice: Dont hang up, I am giving you the chance to destroy Lord Mike, meet me in Yorkshire!

(the phone goes dead)

Emperor Martin: very well then, looks like I'm off to yorkshire! To the Martin mobile!

(phone rings again)

Voice: you dont have a Martin mobile!

(phone goes dead)

Emperor Martin: Ah yes of course!

(He dissapears in a puff of smoke)

Ext next to the building-sized statue of a large pincushion devoted to preventing pincushion fatalies.

A lone guard is standing guard. A shadow of a shadowy figure steps out of a particularly shady bit of shadow, soon followed by the figure itself.

Figure: Guard! There has been a robbery in the south district!

Guard: I'm not supposed to leave this spot!

Figure: COme here I need to speak to you!

THe guard flatly refuses. Suddenly there is the sound of disgruntled baahing!

Guard: (In stock, scared of unknown thingy sort of way) No, no, ahhhhh!!

Figure: Mwahahahahahaha! Let us take up residence in our new abode!

The figure and his herd of sheep enter the statue through the tourist entrance.

****

Int Millsmobile

Lord Mike: I can't believe we're lost!

Steven: Well, if you would've let me do the navigating and sit in front like I asked we wouldn't have this problem!

Lord Mike pushes a button on the dash; a boxing glove shoots out of the back of the front seat hitting Steven.

Lance: (With the map sideways) I think we turn left here on this road.

Lord Mike: It's a one way road, no entrance!

Steven: Never mind look!

They look and there's a sign that says, "This way to Yorkshire."

Lord Mike: Well, thank you obvious signs!

The Millsmobile roars down the road. Emperor Martin sniggers as he comes out from behind the sign and turns the sign around to point to a road leading to rolling hills, stone walls, and a pincushion statue.

[Int. Pincushion statue]

The figure is looking out a convenient window and the guard from the previous psot walks up to him.

Guard: (has a wooly suit on) Shepherd, there is aaaa maaan here to see you.

Figure: Who is it?

Guard: He caaalls himself Maaaartin.

Figure: Ahh, good lead him in?

Guard: (drugged surprised) I am not on thaaaat caaan lead.

Figure: Just do it!

MArtin: (appearing in a poof of smoke) I see that you've finally broke down to commercialism, too.

Figure: What are you rattling on about?!

MArtin: Come on that last line of your's was a complete plug of Nike!

Figure: I've no time for your senseless senselessness, now did you deal with Mills?!

MArtin: (sniggering) By this time today he'll be in Scotland! Mwahahahaha...

Figure: I'm using Mwahaha. Use a different consonant and 'W' combination for you're evil laugh!

Martin: (mumbles something) Gwahahahahahaha!

Figure: Much better, and with Mills in Scotland there's no way he can return in time for my sheepification of the entirety of the Boards and other places!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!

***

Int. Millsmobile

Steven: I don't think that sign was very acurrate! We've been driving for hours and now I think we're in Scotland!

Lord Mike: Don't be silly, what would give you....

They pass a sign that says, "Aye, lads and lassies, Welcoom ta Scotelan'!"

Lance: Holy Corriolis! We're in Scotland!!!

Lord Mike: Well, I think we've been dooped!

Lance: I hope it's a double doop!

Lord Mike: It is, see!

Lord Mike gets out of the Millsmobile and walks up to the sign and turns.

Lord Mike: See, it's a mask!

He pulls off the Scottish sign to reveal a cup of yogurt! Da, da, dada!

Steven: Who let that orchestra in!

Studio Guard: Sorry, the flutist hit me from behind! Ok, people get back on the tour bus you're going home!

Orchestra: Awwww!!

Studio Guard: Well, that's what you get for being naughty!

Lance: Oooh, ooh, can I say it?

Lord Mike: Oh, I suppose.

Lance: Is David the Naughty violinist there?

Violinist: I'm right here!

LAnce: (taken off guard) It's not as funny when some one answers!

Lord Mike, who has been speculating the yogurt cup since the whole orchestra gag notices a zipper on the cup.

Lord Mike: Look now! (He unzips the yogurt cup, and a sign that says, "Welcome to Yorkshire." appears from the clever costume) Well, we're here.

Steven: Amazing!

Lance: Or at least slightly spectacular!

Lord Mike: Nope, it's neither of these things it's, everyone avert eyes, it's aplot device!

Steven gasps and Lance faints like a southern bell.

INT: DARK ROOM- a big view screen shows Lord Mike, lance and Steven.

Figure: I thought you said you dealt with Lord Mike?

Emperor Martin: Well when I say dealt I really meant...not dealt with just yet.

Figure: That doesnt really work...

Emperor Martin: Not much does around here! including this light bulb! why is it so dark in here!

Figure: Atmosphere!

Emperor Martin: Atmosphere my eye!

Figure: I'm afraid I cant atmosphere your eye, as an eye it doesn really have much of an atmosphere.

Emperor Martin: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...anyway... I will go and destroy them once and for all this time!

(He dissappears in a puff of smoke)

EXT: ROAD.

Lord Mike: it would appear we are in Yorkshire!

Steven: I think we had alread figured that out Mike.

Lord Mike: Yes but I have to announce these things, otherwsie people might forget whats going on.

Lance: Where are we again?

Steven: you know I forgot...Scotland wasnt it?

Lord Mike: Yorkshire I believe.

Lance and Steven: Oooooh.

Int. Millsmobile

Steven: Did we ever find out we're going?

Lord Mike: Umm, Lance, do you know?

Lance (bv): (err, brain voice, it's popular) Here's your chance you twit. Tell them Yorkshire!

Lance (vo): I think it was Quackshire!

Lance (bv): No, you twit!

Lord Mike: It's not on the map?

Lance (vo): It should be, isn't it next to Yorkshire?

Lord Mike: (snapping fingers) That's right, we're going to Yorkshire!
Thanks, Lance, you might be an idiot but sure make lucky accidents!

Lance: Err, thank you!

Lance (bv): IT's as close as I'll ever get to true happiness!

Steven (bv): You're lucky, sometimes mine is a total twit!

Steven (vo): Hey, no psychic, talky bit!

Steven (bv): Right, Larry, I'll talk to you tonight!

Lance (bv): Ok, Frank!

Steven and Lance: Hey wait, shouldn't our brains have our names?

Lance and Steven (bv): Heck no! Why'd we want to have you're names!

Lance and Steven: Oh, ok.

Lord Mike: Look at all those people in wool suits, walking around that pincushion statue!

Suddenly, a man dressed in a tweed jacket walks up to the Millsmobile, which has stopped for those of you who were'nt paying attention!

Tweed guy: I'm the local vet. I'm afraid that before you get out I'll need to give you an injection to ward of Flipenheimer's disease.

Lord Mike: What's that?

Steven: Oh, about seven pounds.

Lance hit Steven, seeing Mike is busy.

Vet: It turns your skin green and then you shed it making you look like a Cyberman!

Lord Mike: Ooh, we best take the vaccine!

Vet: (darkly) Good! Gwaha..erm, that's good!

He gives the injection Mike, Lance and Steven.

Steven and Lance and Mike: Oooh look at the pretty colors!

The vet opens the door, puts a brick on the accelerator, puts the Millsmobile in gear and closes the door. The Millsmobile roars off.

Vet: Gwahahahahahaha! (rips off mask to reveal Emperor Martin) Auf Wiederzehn Mike Mills!!!! Gwahahahhahah

~EPISODE 2~ (Or, the episode with the nice little squiggly line beside it)

WHAT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE?

RECAP:

Mike (vo) (putting on a recp voice): Previously in "The Lord Mike Saga" story "The Sheeping". Herbert Tipples, a postman from Herefordshire, decides to give up the drudgery of his day job, and become a self employed farmer, relying on the land for his day to day needs. For a time the "good life" suits Herbert down to the ground, as he picks wild berries for his tea, and enjoys outdoor pursuits such as... um... looking at flowers, and stuff. However, things soon start to go wrong for Herbert, with the announcement that his sheep, James, is pregnant. Herbert's friend, Gary the Vet, can't help either, because, although he is called Gary the Vet, he is actually a Blacksmith. Herbert decides the only way to get the money to pay for a vet to come and take care of his sheep is to become a professional hit man. His first task is to assasinate the King of Bulgaria. However, arriving in Bulgaria, Herbert discovers they no longer have a monarchy, and are instead an autonamous collective. On the way back to England, Herbert's plane is attacked by aliens, which cause it to crash into the sea, uncovering the Holy Grail, which happens to be in the middle of the Lost City of Atlantis, guarded by the Loch Ness Monster, and his good friend, the Yeti. Defeating both of these, Herbert returns to England with the Holy Grail, only to discover that he's in the wrong story.

Herbert: Oh shit.

(Steven and Lance stare at each other for a few seconds)

Steven: Um... okay then.

Lance: Are we still in Greater Manchester then?

Steven: I thought we were in Herifordshire.

Herbert: No that's where I come from.

Lance: You're not even in this story.

Herbert: Why do people keep saying that? "You're not in this episode of the Bill, Herbert" they say, "You don't appear in James Bond." Well of course I'm never going to get into these programmes if you never give me a break. All actors need a break. Oh please, why won't you give me a break. Let me in this story, I'll be great, you know I will.

Lance: Oh, shut up.

Lord Mike: (enigmatically stepping out from a convenient convenience store) What Have I told you about fraternizing with extra-narrative characters!

Herbert: But I...

Lord Mike: Nein! I deny your reality!

Herbert fades from existence.

Steven: It's lucky we escaped that cliffhanger.

Lance: We, escaped?

Lord Mike: Well, sort of. We're still unconcious in the Millsmobile.

Lance: Ahh, but how is it we're talkng to each other?

Steven: Bay leaf.

LAnce: It all makes sense now.

Lord Mike: I thought you'd think so.

Int. Millsmobile

Lord Mike, Steven and Lance wake up.

Lord Mike: That rapscallion! I should've seen it coming!

LAnce: Instead we saw it going.

Steven: That made no sense what so ever!

LAnce: We're awake again, aren't we.

Lord Mike: Yes.

Suddenly, something happens off scene and Lord Mike turns to find a hooded figure standing by a stone wall.

Figure: I figured that Martin wouldn't finish the job.

Lord Mike: I knew it!

The figure pulls back the hood to reveal Tempus.

Tempus: Yes, it's me. Mike, your time has come to an end!

The sound of disgruntled baahing is heard.

Steven: I knew I shouldn't have wore this wool turtleneck today!

Security guard: Maaahster, shaahll I caahll the flock to finish these non-flock members off for you?

Tempus: No, I want them to see the true horror of what I'm doing to the boards. Go, check on their progress.

Security guard: You aahre my shepherd. I will do aahs you aahsk.

Lord Mike: What is this all about!?

Tempus: Let's say that I got in touch with my sheepish side. Mike do you know the definition of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

Lord mike: Err, no, do you?

Tempus: We'll see, we'll see. Mwahahahahahaha!

Tempus wlks away surrounded by sheep.

Tempus: Oh, and by the by, you won't be escaping this post.

Suddenly a mad group of Baahing civilians jumps over a stone wall.