h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Over the course of a series as diverse, wide ranging, and yellow as "The Lord Mike Saga" there were naturally going to be a number of story submissions that simply couldn't be made. Some because they were too ambitious, some because they didn't fit in with story arcs, and some because they were just rubbish.

Collected together here, for the first time, are a number of stories that never did make it through to the light of day:

"Lord Mike and the Giant Tap" by Hercule Tinsel

Lord Mike, Matt and Stephen (sic) come across a giant tap in the middle of a field. After some adventures involving a car chase, a helicopter shoot out with a dog and an underwater scene, they manage to turn the tap on and rice pudding comes out of it.

"The Curse of Mike Mills Mills" by Dominic Smith

Lord Mike wins some money on the lottery and decides to spend it on four large wind mills. When he buys them, however, Steven and Launce (sic) discover that running a mill is harder than they thought.

"The Rat that got Away" by Billbug James

In which Mick (sic), Steven and Lance chase a small rodent across down town Chicago. On their way, they have to stop off in numerous seedy restaurants to talk to shady figures who don't further the plot at all, have three shoot outs for no reason, and have a spoon playing contest in the "Kings Whiskers".

"The True Mike Mills Adventures" by Sir David Suitcase

A gritty drama in which Mike Miles (sic), Matt and Steven attempt to foil the Rat’s plans in a more realistic setting. Episode 1 - Lord Mike and Steven send a strongly worded letter to the council to complain about the Rat. Episode 2 - Lord Mike and Matt learn how to use the fax machine, and send a message to the mayor, putting forward the idea of doing something about the Rat. Episode 3 - Steven and Matt sit in on a council meeting, and suggest that the Rat is evil. Episode 4 - Mike, Matt and Steven phone the local police station to make an official complaint about the Rat.

"The Miketrix" by the Moccasin Brothers

A fast paced action adventure, using the Mike Mills patented "Mullet Time" effect, in which numerous fish cover the camera, obscuring much of the action. (This saves money on special effects)

Mike Mills, and Mutt (sic) discover that the world is not as it seems, and that it is actually being controlled by a giant cactus. After a massive car chase on the moon, and a shoot out in a small cubicle, Mike discovers that he is "the two" and defeats the Cactus using Marshall Arts. (Marshall Lethbridge-Arts is an English Army commander who controls a crack group of soldiers in the story)

"Mike Mills and the Loch Ness Monster" by Tim Bottle

Mike Mills, Lance and Lady Marie (sic) travel up to Scotland. A creature has been terrorising local villages. They discover it is the Loch Ness Monster and kill it.

(A note scribbled at the bottom of the submission by Tim Bottle)

Further ideas - the monster might not really be dead, and might come back to life. Sequel could be called "The Return of the Loch Ness Monster" it might not die there either, and there could be "The Loch Ness Monster Lives", "Revenge of the Loch Ness Monster" and numerous other stories, building on this success.)

"The 10 mills" by Richard Hug

Lord Mike, Steven and Lardy Marian (sic) host a cookery game show, in which contestants say whether the think the hosts should put more or less than 10 mills of milk into the mixture to make it work.

"The Tour de France" by Philip Fondle

A group of contestants attempt to be the first to get round France, but instead of on bikes, on the backs of people called Mike.

Commentary by Murray Walker.

The Mike Mills Production Team are once again accepting unsolicited submissions. Please send your submissions to "Town Dump, Wolverhampton" and mark them "not to be recycled". Thank you.