h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I know I posted this on the DW Genreal boards but I thought it should be here.
[Ext. with Int. aspects a misty outdoor room thing]

On the outskirts of the Boards someone, something watches in a bemused displeasure. It
watches a puddle of light as Mike Mills defeats the Stainless Steel Rat once again.

Voice: (sighs) I think it’s time Mills has a real challenge.

*****

The Stainless Steel Rat is licking his stainless steel wounds when suddenly he is
enveloped by black light

SSR: Vat the heck iz going on?

He disappears.

*****

Emperor Martin and Master Richard are watching a cricket game.

Master Richard: I didn’t know we liked cricket.

Emperor Martin: WE do now!

They disappear.

Master Richard: We don’t even get black light!?

Oh, fine, they disappear in a beam of black light.

*****

Stefan Fjord: (looking over the plans from the doomed letter bomb adventure) If only I’d
paid attention to the postage rate hikes.

He disappears...(slight pause) in a black light.


***

Lady Marion is also captured by the black light.

Lady Marion: This is different.

***

The villains awake in a room that is very dark. The only piece of furniture is a throne of
black pearl. Suddenly a cowled figure appears on it.
The villains are taken a back.

Voice: You are all the villains of these boards?

Villains: Umm, not really.

Voice: Drat, I knew I forgot some one. (Lifts his staff with the flame shape at the end. A
circle of light forms and Professor Lobsterton falls out.) I’ve brought you here for a
reason.

SSR: (Curious) Vat for?

Richard: It’s obvious, he wants us to get his dry cleaning.

Martin: No, he wants to have us do a juggling act!

Voice: (growling) I want you to help me defeat Mike Mills of course. I thought you’d
like to see him destroyed, you might even want to help.

SSR: Vy vould vee need help to defeat Millz?

Voice: (laughs out loud) You’re kidding right. I’ve been watching you for months, and
with the exceptions of a few, you are the saddest group of villains I’ve ever seen. Now,
are you going to help me or not?

SSR: I do not need help from zome zelve-agrandizing vishful cut in!

Voice: That’s a no then?

SSR: Yez!

The cowled figure lifts his staff and zaps the SSR.

Lady Marion: What are you doing?

Voice: Extracting things that are core to the SSR and the rest of you.

Stefan Fjord: Our union cards?

Voice: No, you witless dipstick! I’m extracting his villainness, his evilness, his downright
unpleasantness!!! What of the rest of you? Stefan, Martin, Richard, Professor?

Stefan doesn’t answer out of sheer ignorance and gets zapped.

Richard: No one’s the master of me!

Martin: Nor me!

Professor: Nor me!

The voice zaps them.

Richard+Martin: Can I get anyone anything.

SSR: Doez anyvone vant zome Sviss Miss. I can get zome Sviss Miss if they vant it.

Lobsterton: Let’s get some puppies!

Marion: What about Fjord? Without his evil he’s just Steven Ford.

Voice: Actually he’s more bungling, because he lacks the evil motivation to be more.

As if on cue, Stefan tries to tie his shoe and ends up binding his hands and feet to a lamp
post.

Voice: And you, Marion, do you share your comrades’ foolishness?

Marion: (smiling evilly) Of course not, master.

Voice: Good, now it’s time to reveal my true surprise! (lifts his staff; a large circle of
light forms. A figure steps out he’s wearing a cape and a black cravat and has in hand a
gnarled shilaylee.

Marion: Is that Mills?

Voice: It’s the unbound Emperor Mills. Mills you will go to Lady Marian’s and abduct
her, and Marion you’ll go to Lissa and take her and you’ll both bring them here!

What will now be known as Anti-Mills begins to leave quietly and dangerously, as does
Marion.

Voice: Anti-Mills don’t forget your Antimobile. (lifts staff tank with spikes pointing out
of it appears.)

Marion: (stopping and turning) What do we get in return for our help?

Voice: Mills gets The General Board and you get Qanda and Curiouser Curiouser!

Marion: I see.

[Int. Lady Marian's esteemed estate]

There's a knock at the door. Lady Marian opens the door, her servants have the day off.

Lady Marian: (surprised) Mike! You're dressed odd! Is it Dress odd Day already? Just a
minute and I'll go change.

Marian turns to change, but Mills grabs her arm tightly and lifts his walking stick.
Marian looks at the conveniently placed calendar.

Marian: (fearful) It's not Dress odd Day, is it? Wait you're not Mills!

Mills flips a switch on his shilaylee a large hair net flies out and catches Lady Marian.
He drags her to the Antimobile.

***
[Int. Princess Lissa's palace.]

Lissa: Hello, Marian. How are you today?

Marian: Fine, but you won't be!

Lady Marion laughs maniacally as she grabs Lissa and takes her to the Van Wher
Roadster.
***

[Int. Mills Manor]

Lord Mike: (enigmatically hangs up the phone) Neither Lissa or Marian are home; I'm a
little worried. Lance, do you know anything?

Sir Lance: Umm, I don't think so?

Steven Ford: Did you need to ask?

Lord Mike: (worriedly) This is not a time for easily set up jokes!

Steven: It should be! This has been one of the most melodramatic adventures, since I
was a girl and Lance was cliched.

Sir Lance: I bet we get to the Mills mobile by the end of this post!

Steven: I'll put a tenor against it!

Lance: Irish?

Steven: No, English!

Lord Mike: There are English Tenors.

Steven: Yes, you know, two fivers make a tenner!

Mike: (points upwards dramatically) Quickly to the .........

Lord Mike: Mills mobile!

Lord Mike quickly jumps out the window trying to be dramatically enigmatic as he does
so. Steven taps Sir Lance on the shoulder and out stretches his hand.

Lance: (searching his pockets) I've only got these musty licorice all-sorts and jellybabies.

Steven: (snatching the paper bag) Close enough. (Turns to leave) I call shotgun!

Lance and Steven race down to the Mills Garage and reach the Millsmobile at the same
time. They begin to fight for the door handle. As they grapple on the floor Nibbles leaps
over them and into the Millsmobile. Steven and Lance look up and dejectedly get in the
back.

Lord Mike: We should go to Lady Marian's esteemed estate to check things out.

Sir Lance: Can we stop by the corner store first. I need to get some more tea bags; we're
out, that's why I wasn't making tea at the manor when we first entered the plot.

Lord Mike: I guess, but don't take too long.

Theydriveoffatwhatlookslikehighspeed,butactuallyisthefilmrunningatfourtimesnormal----
speed.Theystopatacornerstore.

Steven:Ihavetogetout;thoselicoriceallsortsandjellybabiesaren'tsittingwell!

Mike:Whatwasthat?
SirLance:Whyaren'tthereanyspacesbetweenourwords?

Nibbles:Eeep!eeep!eeeep!

LordMike:Thetapeisstillrunningatfourtimesnormalspeed!!!

SirLancetriestoopenthedoor,butduetothenewspeedhebreaksthehandleoff.Itfliesoff,and-----
ricochetsofftheroofandhitsStevensquarelyonthehead.Stevenfallsoveronthedoor,andthe-----
-doorslowlyswingsopen.
SirLancegetsoutandentersthestoreandinrecordtime,forLance,exitsthestorewithhispurchase
.--Finallythecameramannoticeswhat'swrongandfixesit.

Lord Mike: Quickly to the Millsmobile.

Lance: Ahem!

Nibbles: Eep!

Lord Mike: I know! To Marian's esteemed estate!

He presses the starter and they hiccup off.

Lord Mike: They hiccup off? It should be....

(I know, but the sound guy played the wrong effect.)

Lord Mike: Ahh I see!

****

[Ext. Marian's esteemed estate.]

The Millsmobile belches through the gate, seeing as the sound guy still hadn't played the
right sound effect yet.

Lord Mike: I believe we need a new sound man.

Suddenly a large number of flatulent noises come from Mike's direction.

Steven: Which reminds me! (grabs stomache and runs into Marian's house. Sounds of
birds singing and bells ringing)

Sir Lance: The door's unlocked that's odd isn't it?

Lord Mike: Not as odd as you catching it before I did!

There are more farty noises from Lord Mikes direction.

Sir Lance: Maybe you should get that checked out. Uncontrollable gas could be a sign of
trouble.

Lord Mike: (face red with anger) It's the stupid sound guy...(frrt) trying to...(frrt) making
me look...(frrt) bad. (FRRRRRRRRRRRT!!!!!!)

Lord Mike and Sir Lance go in with Lance walking well behind Lord Mike, and waving
his hand.

Lord Mike: (notices a piece of paper on the floor) Look a piece of paper on the floor.

Sir Lance: What's it say!

Lord Mike: (picking up the paper) Umm, it says take two with water.

Sir Lance: A clue, hmm, take two, take two what? Take pills, take a walk, take
tupperware....

Steven: (starts to walk down the stairs, because he was upstairs and the action was
happening downstairs, but he trips, rolls and ends up outside.) Hey, look a surreptitious
guy in a trench coat!

Lord Mike: Quickly to the surrep-surrey-surip....

Sir Lance: The furtive guy!

Lord Mike: (uneasily) Yeah, you know you're pretty quick today, what's wrong with
you?

Sir Lance: (shrugs) Every dog's got its day, I guess.

Lord Mike: I can't wait for this day to be over!

Our heroes go over to the surreptitious guy in the trench coat.

(travel music)

Lord Mike: We don't need travel music it's only few yards, umm meters.

The sound scape is filled with a giant raspberry.

They reach the surreptitious guy.

Steven: It's Lindsay!

Surreptitious Guy: No, I'm not. I'm going to say this once and only once, Lord Mike, if I
was you I'd lay low!

Lord Mike: Oh, yay, and why would that be?

Surreptitious Guy: The coppers are after you, for he abduction of Lady Marian!

Steven: How could you!? And now we've got Copper people following us!

Lord Mike: Lance?

Lance punches Steven.

Lord Mike: Thank you. (turns to surreptitious guy) Why are they after me?


Surreptitious Guy: There are witnesses that put you here when she disappeared!

Lord Mike: Who could've done this?

Steven: (Getting up and holding nose) Some evil super being that has brought your
antiself from a parallel, unbound universe to defeat you.

Lord Mike: (turns to Steven; Steven flinches) Don't be silly that's more far fetched than
Lady Marion being recruited to capture Princess Lissa!

Police sirens are heard in the distance. Our heroes, well Mike, Lance and Steven turn to
the surreptitious guy who has disappeared.

Lord Mike: Quickly, to the...

Sir Lance: Can I say it, pleeeeeeeessssse?

Lord Mike: No, now, quickly to the Millsmobile!!!!

[Int. dungeon area]

Lissa and Lady Marian are chained to the ceiling in a horrible position.

Voice: So, your Mills' ying to his yang?

Lady Marian: (unenthused after being captured so many times over the series of
adventures) What do you want? You must want something if you have made an evil Lord
Mike!

Voice: I want Mills, and, my dear, you;ll bring him to me! Fwuhahauthauthaut!

Lissa: Oh, brother, it;s another one of those. You;d think there would be more diversity
out there.

Voice: I think we should see how M;Lord is doing, don;t you?

The Voice raises his staff and a circle of light formed.

Marian: That voice is familiar, I should know it.

***
[Int Millsmobile]

Our heroes are driving around the boards on account that they don;t know where to go.

Sir Lance: Where are we going?

Lord Mike: I don;t know; weren;t you paying attention?

Steven: Can we stop? I;ve got to go to the... Oh, never mind.

Lance, who is sitting in the backseat with Steven slides up against the door of the
Millsmobile.

Steven: What? I was going to say I;ve got to go to the pet store, but I remembered that I
have extra Otter Chow in the basement.

Lord Mike: Otter Chow?

[begin plug]

Lance: (in announcer voice) Yes, it;s Otter Chow, the only chow that;s approved by six
out of ten otters.

Nibbles: Eep, eep, eeppeepeep!

Lance: (chuckles) That;s right Nibbles, with real salmon-tuna fishpaste and artificial frog
flavoring; you can;t go wrong with Otter Chow.

Steven: (also in announcer voice but twenty times faster)
Allotterspolledare,infact,ferretssoanycommentsthatdealwithotterhappinessarenullandvoid.

[slight happy music and end of plug right about, wait for it, wait for it, not quite there yet,
now!]

Lord Mike: That was distracting.

The Millsmobile hits a man standing in the street. Our heroes leap out and check the
man, who is, in fact, the man from the last post in a silly frock.

Steven: Lindsay!!

The man gets up and punches Steven, knocking him unconscious.

Lindsay: (turning to Mike, his clothes magically change to look like an Edwardian
cricketing outfit) You;re still here?!

Lord Mike: I shouldn;t be?

Lindsay: No! You;re supposed to have made an excuse for leaving Boarddom, by now
you should be in the Outside of Boarddom!

Lord Mike: I see.

Lance: Quickly to the...

Lord Mike: (aggravated) Lance!!

Lance: Oh right, sorry.

Lord Mike: To the Millsmobile! Lance, to Steven;s prone body!

Lance goes over and picks up Steven and then goes to the Millsmobile. He tries three
times to jam Steven;s body through the door before it actually is forced through. The
Millsmobile, umm, I;m going to lie here, as in tell a falsehood, not to lay down, roars off
like a rocket.

[It actually leaves in a caophony of farm animal noises]

Steven: (groggily) I think we should attempt escaping the police before they start chasing
us, and thus starting a pointless and meaninglessy futile car chase.

Lord Mike: Good point! Go-go Millsmobile heliocopter form!!

Sir Lance: Nice segway into the Inspector Gadget pun.

Lord Mike: Thanks for stomping that one into the ground.

Sir Lance: Your welcome.

Steven: Is that how he;s ending the post?

Lord Mike: (Looking both ways)Yes!

[Int. Millsmobile]

Lord Mike: (looking in the rearview mirror enigmatically) Who knows how to escape Boarddom? Who has the map?

Nibbles and Steven both grab for the map and have a tug-of-war match over it. The map spontaneously unfolds and rips down the middle.

Lord Mike: (angrily) Steeeveen!

Steven: But it-it was Nibbles.

Lord Mike: Do I have to stop this Millsmobile hybrid?

Steven: (guiltily) No.

Sir Lance: (looking out of the window) Is this portal thing a black circle in the sky?

Lord Mike: Why do you see it?

Sir Lance: Umm, no.

Steven: I see it, I see it!

Lord Mike: Nobody likes a gloater!

The Millsmobile pulls through the portal.

[Int. dungeon]

Lady Marian and Princess Lissa are still hanging in a horrible position from when they were last hanging in a horrible position because our villain hasn't let them down.

Voice: They're now in my dominion, and now I'll avenge the crimes that I'm avenging against! Fwatwatwatwatwatwa!!!

Lady Marian: What has Mike done to you?! Why are you being so overtly cliched as a villain!?

Voice: What has Mike done; what has Mike done!? How dare you question my motives as the primary antagonist!!!

Princess Lissa: Who are you?!! All through this escapade you've hidden yourself under that cowl and refered to yourself as the Voice! If I'm going to be captured I'd like to know my captor!

The Voice slowly and suspensefully uncovers his face. The cackling starts.

Lady Marian: (lets out a little scream) It-it's you!

Voice: Yes, it's me!

Princess Lissa: I'd expected a little more didn't you Marian?

Lady Marian: Well, truthfully yes.

Voice: (pulls cowl back over face) Well, it doesn't matter Mills and his cohorts are entering my domain! They will know disorientation and unpleasantness!

***

[Int. Millsmobile/heliocopter]

Lord Mike: Well, we're here! let's get out and investigate.

Our heroes step out and walk around in the green screen darkness.

Lord Mike: Nibbles, you need to stay here and guard the Millsmobile

Nibbles: (salutes) Eeeep!

Our heroes walk off.

Voice: (over an intercom) Welcome, Mills, to your ending, have a nice day.

Mike tries to speak, but nothing comes out.

Steven tries to speak, and also has a problem.

Steven: (Mike's voice) That Voice guy sounds rather odd, but I also have this last stand forboding!

Lance tries to speak.

Mike: (in Lance's voice) I hope there isn't a Sioux nation on the other side of the hill.

Lance: (in Steven's voice) What hill I don't see a hill.

Lance tries to speak.

Mike: (Lance's voice) Oh no, the voices are back!!

Steven tries to speak.

Lance: (in Steven's voice) I still don't see the hill.

Mike points his cane at Steven, a cinder block shoots out and clobbers Steven unconcious.

Mike speaks.

Lance speaks

Mike: (Lance's voice) No, what is it?

Mike speaks. Lance speaks.

Mike: (Lance's voice) It is !

For the purpose of simplification we'll say they finished the conversation.

Mike: (Lance's voice) Really only one! THat sounds pretty silly to me!

Mike tries to speak, but nothing's said.

Mike: (in Lance's voice) What I didn't hear you?

Mike Picks up his cane like a baseball bat and then refrains from striking Lance. He points to Steven and does a shaking motion.

Lance goes over and shakes Steven awake.

Steven: (in Mike's voice) Do you kow what this is. It's a dialogue disjointment trap! Yes, and there's only way out! We have to speak backwards! Well it's the only way out!

Steven tries to speak.

Lance: (in Steven's voice) Lance is right that does sound stupid!

Mike shrugs his shoulders

Mike: (in Lance's voice) .elcnu s'yeknom a fo nos a eb ll'I ,lleW

Steven: (In Mike's voice) .selaW evol yllaer ,yllaer I

Lance: .stsop pmal etah repood repus I

Suddenly there is massive sound of glass breaking. With a funny, whirly CGI bit.

[Int Dungeon of the Voice]

Lady Marian: See, your bag of parlour tricks won't stop Lord Mike.

Voice: (growlingly) We'll see, Marian, we'll see.

The Voice presses a button on his throne.

Voice: Mr. Mills, that was well done, but I should tell you Lady Marian and Princess Lissaare with me!

Lord Mike: (angry)Let them go!!

Voice: Take them, if you can!!

****

[Ext. around Mills and co.]

Suddenly a large palace crops up in front of them.

Lord Mike: (Looking up and whistling) Great flying ferrets! Now that's an entrance!

Steven: No, I believe the door's the entrance.

Our hero-like heroes run into the palace and find themselves in agiant entrance hall.

Lord Mike: Look stairs!

Our heroes run up the stairs. Ten minutes later they come through the doors into the entrance hall.

Steven: Look, more stairs!!

They run up the stairs and ten minutes later they come thrugh the entrance hall doors. This procession continues for eight hours.

Lance: (unexcitedly) More stairs?

They slowly walk up the stairs and twenty minutes later they enter the entrance hall via the doors.

Lord Mike: I've got this insane feeling of deja vu.

Steven: (panting) MAybe...it..has...some..thing...to...do...with...our....running....up...the...stairs....and...coming....to....the....same.....place.

Steven faints

Lance: You know he's right; it's some sort of spatial hysterisus!

Lord Mike: (uneasily) This smart Lance gag is getting freaky, but more importantly there has to be a way around those stairs.

Lance: How many times have gone up those stairs?

Lord Mike: Including the time we got half to the top and Steven tripped and fell all the way to the bottom, approximately 327.

Lance: I like how you can speak in numbers.

Lord Mike: 1810?

Lance: Never mind, but do you remember any doors.

Lord Mike: Umm, no, wait a tic'

Lord Mike grabs his cane and flips a catch. The room's filled with UV light, and a door is revealed.

Lord Mike: (pointing) There! He's very clever and even more cliched; I mean a secret passage in a castle. How cliched can you get?

Magically Steven jumps up and Mike flips another catch on his cane and a laser melts the wall. Our heroes rush to the door and open it.

Steven: A lift!

Lance: It could be a trap!

Steven: Who cares it's a lift and not those stairs.

They enter the lift, the doors close and suddenly...............

...Steven sneezes.

Lance: That's a bit of an anticlimax isn't it?

(What did you expect?)

LAnce: I don't know. maybe something a bit more climatic!

(Fine if you want a climatic plot twist well I'll give you one, you ungrateful mumbly mumbly)

Suddenly the walls fall off to reveal that our heroes are in a giant cage in the throne room of the Voice!!

Dah, dah dah.

Mike smacks Lance upside his head.

Lance: What's that for?

Lord Mike: I'll give you three guesses.

Lance: Umm, let's see, I was closer than Steven.

Lord Mike: No.

Lance: You're still mad from the last post?

Lord Mike: No.

Voice: Stop this unconstructive drivel!

Lord Mike: (looking at the throne) SO we finally meet face to cowl.

Voice: Yesss!

Lady Marian: You've got to help us!

Lord Mike: I've got to help myself first!

Lord Mike levels his cane at the bars, but it is shot out his hands by a cow bell.

AntiMills: (chuckling darkly) Nice try! Your pathetic, overly used plot device, you call a cane is now totally useless!

Steven: (Now dressed like Robin) Holy person that is exactly like you except they're you're exact oppisite!!! Hey, why am I dressed like Robin?

(To complete the punniness of your statement)winks at Lord Mike (and it's a nice *couplotdevicegh*)

Lord Mike, understanding the narrator's subtle hint, grabs Steven's utility belt.

Steven: Hey, that's mine, and my tights won't stay up with out it!

Lord Mike, averting his eyes, throws the acid tablets at the bars.

After the fizzling the Voice finds Lord Mike's cane pointed in his face, with Lord Mike on the oppisite end of the cane.

Lord Mike: Release the ladies, Voice, or else!

Voice: Or else what?

Steven: (whispering at Lord Mike) Tell him jelly doughnuts will stain all of his cowly cloak thingies!

As Lord Mike looks back at Steven confusedly, Lady Marion, who'd pretty much been forgotten about until now, jumped up and grabbed the cane once again.

Lord Mike: Oh drat, that's twice in one post, I've got to watch what I'm doing.

Voice: Now it's time for you to disappear! Lord Mike you are the weakest link toodle loo.

The Voice raises his staff and points it at Lord Mike and a beam of light hits Lord Mike and he disappears in a moderationary sort of way.

(It looks like the end of our hero.) The narrator bumps the camera making the camera man fall off the camera. Steven tries to help the camera but ends up taking a header into the camera. (Umm, should I.. Oh, ok, Fred is, what? Oh drat, Well tune in to the next post. P.S.)

...Steven sneezes.

Lance: That's a bit of an anticlimax isn't it?

(What did you expect?)

LAnce: I don't know. maybe something a bit more climatic!

(Fine if you want a climatic plot twist well I'll give you one, you ungrateful mumbly mumbly)

Suddenly the walls fall off to reveal that our heroes are in a giant cage in the throne room of the Voice!!

Dah, dah dah.

Mike smacks Lance upside his head.

Lance: What's that for?

Lord Mike: I'll give you three guesses.

Lance: Umm, let's see, I was closer than Steven.

Lord Mike: No.

Lance: You're still mad from the last post?

Lord Mike: No.

Voice: Stop this unconstructive drivel!

Lord Mike: (looking at the throne) SO we finally meet face to cowl.

Voice: Yesss!

Lady Marian: You've got to help us!

Lord Mike: I've got to help myself first!

Lord Mike levels his cane at the bars, but it is shot out his hands by a cow bell.

AntiMills: (chuckling darkly) Nice try! Your pathetic, overly used plot device, you call a cane is now totally useless!

Steven: (Now dressed like Robin) Holy person that is exactly like you except they're you're exact oppisite!!! Hey, why am I dressed like Robin?

(To complete the punniness of your statement)winks at Lord Mike (and it's a nice *couplotdevicegh*)

Lord Mike, understanding the narrator's subtle hint, grabs Steven's utility belt.

Steven: Hey, that's mine, and my tights won't stay up with out it!

Lord Mike, averting his eyes, throws the acid tablets at the bars.

After the fizzling the Voice finds Lord Mike's cane pointed in his face, with Lord Mike on the oppisite end of the cane.

Lord Mike: Release the ladies, Voice, or else!

Voice: Or else what?

Steven: (whispering at Lord Mike) Tell him jelly doughnuts will stain all of his cowly cloak thingies!

As Lord Mike looks back at Steven confusedly, Lady Marion, who'd pretty much been forgotten about until now, jumped up and grabbed the cane once again.

Lord Mike: Oh drat, that's twice in one post, I've got to watch what I'm doing.

Voice: Now it's time for you to disappear! Lord Mike you are the weakest link toodle loo.

The Voice raises his staff and points it at Lord Mike and a beam of light hits Lord Mike and he disappears in a moderationary sort of way.

(It looks like the end of our hero.) The narrator bumps the camera making the camera man fall off the camera. Steven tries to help the camera but ends up taking a header into the camera. (Umm, should I.. Oh, ok, Fred is, what? Oh drat, Well tune in to the next post.)

Lady MArian: Mike!!!!

Steven: OoOoooh! a quadruple exclamation.

Voice: Oh, for crying out loud, don't you see the consequences of the events that have transpired?

Lance: Of course not if we knew the direction this conversation was going we wouldn't be having it would we?

Voice: What? Oh never mind. Now listen to me, if Lord Mike's gone there's a void right?

Lance: (surprising everyone by following the Voice's conversation) I would be promoted.

Steven: If Lance gets promoted I get promoted! (does a little dance) Yess I'm going to be Sir Steven, Oh yeah!

Princess Lissa: Wait a tic' you guys are going to save us? I think I'd rather die!

Voice: Lance & Steven, go on go to your new Baylis automotive.

Lance turns to go to the Millsmob... I mean the Baylis automotive, when he turns around.

Lance: Hey, I don't want to be a plot hole pointer outer, but where's the other villains?

(They're other there by the coffemaker)

Everyone looks over to see Stefan Fjord eating a doughnut, tripping and spilling hot coffee all over is front.

Stainless Steel Rat: Vould anyvone vant zome Sviss Miss?

Steven: Oooh me, me, me!

LAnce: (trying to act all adult) Not now, Steven, we have to be the heroes while Mike's not, well, while Mike's gone.

Steven: But you haven't had Swiss Miss until you've had Stainless Steel Swiss Miss!

LAnce: (astonishedly putting hands on hips) And how would you know that?!

Steven: (guiltily) You know, you're right we have to be the heroes while Mike's gone.

Steven walks towards the ahh, the vehicle.

Lance: (angry) I said, how did you know that?!!

Steven: (cringingly) I-I, oh, well it was Valentine's Day and I didn't have a date so I went to the ice cream shop and well I happen to meet the Stainless Steel Rat and one thing led to another and he-he well made his Swiss Miss for me.

Lance: (Jaw drops) I feel completely affronted!!!

Steven: We were just two, lonely people on Valentine's Day, that's all!!

Lance: I might stare at you, jaw dropped and hands angrily on hips, for the rest of this post!!

Steven walks towards the, umm, vehicle. Lance following him, jaw dropped and hands on hips.

Lady Marian: (shaking her head as the two twits walk off) So, where is Mike?!!

Voice: He's safe, for now! Bwuhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!(visible gasp) Ha!!!

[Ext. suburbia]

There's a flash of light and Lord Mike is standing on the sidewalk.

Lord Mike: THat was a bit different.

HE walks to the closest houses and rings the bell.

Ding Dong Ding DOng, Ding Dong Ding Dong.

Lord Mike: (worriedly) He wouldn't, it's inhumane, it's horrible, (the door opens) It's The Bucket Woman!!!!!!

Hyacinth: (looking thoroughly aggravated) It's pronounced Bouquet.

Lord Mike: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.......

Hyacinth: Excuse me, sir, do you have business here or will I need to use my white, slim-lined telephone to call the constulabary?

Lord Mike: ....Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(gasp)ooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Hyacinth: RIichArd! Would you please extract this obvious psychopath from my doorstep before Frieda Felstaff from Felstaff Felt Fedorahs walks by and sees us associating with this riff raff.

Lord Mike: (falling to his knees) The alliteration is eroding my brain!!!

Richard: Oh, Hyacinth, leave the poor man alone.

Hyacinth: Richard, I will not have a psychopath on my door step when a Felstaff Felt Fedorahs could be in the area!

Lord Mike: You have to listen to me, my name is Lord Michael K. Mills.

Hyacinth: You see, Richard, he's not all there. If he's a part of the aristocacy, then Onslo is socially elite!

Richard gives Hyacinth a look and steps outside. As he does this Lord Mike disappears in a flash of light. Which for you trivia buffs is actually flashlight if remove the 'of'.

[Outside of primary plot line]

Steven: What just happened?

Lance: I believe it's called a double post. HEy how is that bump on your head?

Steven: It's fine, after I put ice on it, umm, who are you?

Lance: It's me, Sir Lance, your sort co-pun person.

Steven: Funny I don't remember you, are you sure I know you?

Lance: (grabbing Mike's cane from the floor he flips a catch) THis should make better.

A boxing glove shoots out knocking Lance flat out.

Steven: (looking down at LAnce's prone body) Oh, hello, Lance what are you doing on the floor?

Steven bumps the cane and a second, emergency boxing glove knocks Steven out.

If you haven't caught on by now the preceding is a reference of the accidental double post that ends with the camera accident.

Thank you for your time, thank you, thaaank youuuuuu!

If you haven't caught on by now the preceding is a reference of the accidental double post that ends with the camera accident.

Thank you for your time, thank you, thaaank youuuuuu!

Ok after the double post problems here we go towards the conclusion.

[Int. The Voice's throne room]

Mike appears in a flash of light. Lady Marian and Princess Lissa are hanging over a pit of insane, rabid ferrets.

Voice: Thes nice little side plots are over! It is time to avenge the crimes against me!

Lord Mike can-cans over to Lady Marion and takes his cane from her.

Lord Mike: (pointing his cane at the Voice) You're probably thinking to yourself, "Is his novelty cane now totally empty or does it still have some tricks in it?" Well, all I have to say is; do you feel lucky punk; well do yah?!

Voice: Actually I was thinking how nice it will be to see AntiMills crush you to bits!

Suddenly AntiMills jumps Lord Mike, as he flips a catch on his shilaylee that turns it into a medieval mace. Lord Mike flips a catch on his cane that turns it into a.........

Lord Mike: (looking down at his hands) A wet sock?!

Lord Mike fients the mace and slaps AntiMills in the face with the sock. In his momentary, wet blindness he falls into the pit of ferrets.

Lord Mike: (aiming the wet sock at the Voice) Before I thwart you I have to know; who are you?

Lady Marian: I know who it is. It's........

Suddenly the sleeping censor slips and hits the bleeping button bleeping out the rest of Marian's line. The Voice pulls back the cowl.

Daphne: Dr. Schuylerbaker!!!

Velma: Of course, we should've known it before. All the mirrors and projectors and prospectors' maps.

Shaggy: How'd he fly?

Freddy: He was using flying wire, a super transparent wire used in movies.

Lord Mike: And to think he wouldv'e gotten away with it to, if it hadn't of been for these meddling kids and their dog.

Scooby Doo: Rooby Rooby Roo!

Voice: Stop all of this copyrighted inanity!!!!!

Lord Mike: Shouldn't it be copywrote?

Voice: I don't care!

The Voice lifts his staff and zaps the gang into oblivion!

Lord Mike: (turning to the voice) Now that wasn't very nice, now was it?

Lord Mike looks at the Voice's face.

Lord Mike: Oh my, You're Clive Andersen!!!

LAdy Marian: I tried to tell you!

Voice: Now your going to see your two female friends fall to their doom.

Lord Mike: I'll just use my antigrav field in my cane, but I can only fully suspend one person.

The girls begin to fall when suddenly the Bayliscopter zooms in and shoots two of those snot hand things you get out of vending machines. And catches the girls pulling them from danger. Unfortunately the Baylis copter is shot of the sky. Fortunately everyone's unharmed and they regroup around Lord Mike.

Lord Mike aims his cane at the Voice, but he has disappeared!

Lord Mike: Now's our chance! We can escape to the big hole that goes to the boards.

They walk about twelve feet and are at their destination.

LAdy Marian: What now?

Lord Mike: We jump through!

LAdy Marian: We'll die on impact!

Lord Mike: I'll have plenty of time to figure out some sort of snazzy plan to save us before we become street jelly.

They all jump into the portal and start to fall.

LAdy Marian: ( who some how retrieved her parasol) I'll just put my parasol on avian mode and take Nibbles with me.

Lord Mike: (not really listening, snaps my fingers) I'll just use the secondary Millsmobile in my cane.

He flips a catch and an entire Millsmobile appears, but it looks like the Delorean from "Back to the Future". Lord Mike and those who are left get in.
Lord Mike: Fortunately I got the flying DeLorean.

They begin their slow decent when a giant bat wing flies down shooting purple bursts.

Lord Mike: I can't prove it but I know it's Clive!

He presses an ejection seat button kicking everyone but him out. (don't worry folks they have parachutes)

They watch as the DeLorean zooms after the bat-wing and they watch as it crashes into the bat-wing. THey finally land by the reckage.

LAdy Marian: Mike, noooooooo!!!!!

Clive climbs out but evaporates in a burst of light.

Everyone is sad and mourning, except Steven who's drinking Swiss Miss.
From off scene a man in a trench coat walks towards the group and hands them the letter.

Lady Marian: (reads the letter and looks up) Mike's not dead; he's just trapped in the past. THe DeLorean hit 88 mph just as it hit the bat-wing; the resulting temporal distortions caused the bat-wing's crash. He's alive! We can get him with the Thyme machine!!

Ending credits roll.

El Fin?????

Now that this story is now finished feel free to make comments now, or later depending on your schedule.

I liked the reference to Mike Mills USA!