h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

EXT. CASTLE RAESKULL

(The menacing castle, sits atop its giant mountain, a bolt of lightning strikes down behind it and a cackle comes from somewhere)

INT. MAIN THRONE CHAMBER

(Queen P is sitting on her throne, King Lindsay is sitting next to her on the floor playing with his toy train. Lord Mike and General Ford enter)

STEVEN: I bow before you oh Celestial Queen of the Seven Smells

LORD MIKE: Watcha Queen P

QUEEN P: Good day Lord Mike

(Looks down at Steven who is still grovelling)

QUEEN P: Please get up General Ford, we've only just had this floor retiled

(Steven gets up hurridely, tries to grovel standing up, fails and just stands next to Lord Mike)

LORD MIKE: We were summoned

QUEEN P: Indeed you were, a most gross indecency has entered my kingdom

STEVEN: You mean they let Cook McCow back in?!

QUEEN P: No, even worse!

STEVEN: Worse?!

QUEEN P: Worse!

LINDSAY (mimicking): Worse!

LORD MIKE: So what you're telling us is that this is worse?

STEVEN: God damn it Holmes, you're a genius!

(Lord Mike punches Steven)

LORD MIKE: Now, what is this indecency?

QUEEN P: A thing known as "The Guide" has come into existance

LORD MIKE: And?

QUEEN P: Well... I don't know, but according to the name of the adventure you make a case of it

LORD MIKE: Oh, right... in that case, to the Mills-Mobile!

EXT: MILLS-MOBILE GARAGE

Lord Mike: Quick to the Mills-Mobile

Steven: We're already here

Lord Mike: So we are.... in that case, quick into the Mills-Mobile

(In a hideous, shameful and almost disgusting tangle of arms, legs, heads, and what looks like a kipper, Lance, Mike and Steven enter the Mills-Mobile (formerly the Millerater 40,000, formerly The Ford Millster))

Lord Mike: Right, where to?

Steven: Ken Tucky's Fried Chicken, I love that independant chicken frying establishment.

Lance: What about some low budget caves somewhere? We usually seem to end up somewhere like that.

Lord Mike: Glistening glucoses tablets, you're right.

Steven: Since when has glistening glucos tablets been your catch phrase?

Lord Mike: Since Glen's Glucoses Tablets sponsered us. Glen's Glucos Tablets, when only small sugary glucoses packed capsules will do!

Steven: My god, Lord Mike, you're right, these tables are gluco-licious!

Lance: I can feel myself busting with glucoses energy!

Lord Mike: Enough of this gay banter. Quick, to the low budget, dingy cave factory, there we will find our adversary for this adventure, I'm certain.

INT. LOW BUDGET CAVES

(The Mills-Mobile draws to a stop in the entrance of the tacky low-budget caves. They all climb out)

Sir Lance: Where are we?

Lord Mike: Weren't you listening?

Sir Lance: I think those glucose tablets did something to my memory...

General Ford: Yep, this looks like the place

Lord Mike: I concur, the caves are very tacky and low-budget

(General Ford leans on a polystyrene stalagmite and it breaks off, he falls to the ground in a cloud of polystyrene balls)

Sir Lance: I think those glucose tablets did something to my memory...

Lord Mike: Don't be stupid old chap, just sit in the car with the window down if you really feel ill

(Sir Lance does just this)

General Ford: Lord Mike, behind you!

(Lord Mike spins around in an impressive piroet incorporating back-bend and three-sixty degrees somersault with half-twist. Once this feet is complete he gasps. A giant Weetabix dinosaur rears up before him, roaring loudly, but not very convincingly)

Hurridly, Steven and Mike sprint in the opposite direction from the dinosaur, which keeps hunger locked up 'til lunch.

Lord Mike: No, that's Shreddies.

Steven: Good grief, don't tell me there's a Shreddies dinosaur around here too?

The two of them make a good attempt at making a bee line for the caves. The two dinosaurs move very slowly after them, looking like two men in large, but not very convincing dinosaur costumes.

Steven: Quick! Lord Mike, what shall we do?

Lord Mike: Blistering blankets! We left Sir Lance in the Mills-Mobile.

Steven: And he's just eaten some of those glucose tablets!

As they watch, Lance vaguely mumbles something about his camel being stolen and attempts to rise. The two dinosaurs move very slowly towards him.

Lord Mike: Right, I think we've got enough time to have about three of four adventures before those dinosaurs reach him.

Steven: Right then. Now, where's our enemy for this adventure then?

It was around about this point that a voice was heard behind them...

Voice: I've been expecting you Mister Bond

Lord Mike: No, it's not that Bond chap, it me, Lord Mike

Voice: Ah... hang on a minute... (cough)... I've been expecting you Lord Mike. You already know me, but for now, call me Mister Do

General Ford: Now look here, just who are you... Mister Do?

Voice: Making your demnds rhyme, is not the most frightening thing in the world

Lord Mike: That's right, makes 'em sound utter shi-

Voice: Yes yes, very amusing. Now, I must giev you clues as to my identity.

(A hologram of a faceless man appears and begins making strange gestures)

General Ford: Three words... first word

Lord Mike: Sounds like... painless

(They stand there thinking about this for several moments)

General Ford: Cainless? (He clicks his fingers and jumps up and down in excitement) You are not Michael Caine!

Voice: I think not, no, for I am one more evil, more vile, more wretched even than Michael Caine.

Lord Mike: I'm not sure I believe that.

Voice: Look, are you going to guess my indentity or not? Second word...

(He does a painful looking mime of someone eating)

Steven: Sounds like.... Dinner? Lunch? Tea? Small time cafe somewhere? Colestoral? Chicken? Canibal? Eat? Um...

Lord Mike: Meal.

(The voice nods.... somehow...)

Lord Mike: Hmmm, I have a nasty feeling that I know who this is.

Steven: Sorry, that's my hand...

(Withdraws hand)

Steven: Ahem. Carry on.

Lord Mike: What? This is a carry on film now? Carry on Lord Mike?

Steven: Ooooh Matron....

Voice: Oh for God's sake, are you not going to guess who I am? I'll just tell you - it's me, Stefan Fjord.

Steven: Gazumping girafes...

(A sliding door in the wall slides away to reveal a revolving door. The revolving door revolves to reveal a blast door, the blast door blasts to reveal Stefen Fjord)

Stefen Fjord: Hello cous

Steven Ford (fuming): If I was more intelligent I'd think of a witty remark to make

Lord Mike: How about, No does cous?

Steven Ford: What does that mean?

Lord Mike: No I-flipping-dea

Stefen Fjord: Cease this foolish prattling you prattling fools

Lord Mike: I apologise, but as prattling fools, it is in our nature to prattle foolishly, it's a kind of gimick

Steven Ford: Like Baby Bio, it's my nature to nurture

Stefen Fjord (raging): Cease this!

(Stefen Fjord spontaniously combusts, solving all their problems)

INT. MILLS HOUSE

(Some time later Lord Mike, General Ford and Sir Lance are sitting around the fire, reminiscing as ever and drinking tea)

Lord Mike: Of course, it was a brilliant diea of mine to fool him into self destructing, and since I destroyed Skaro it would see there are no Daleks left

Sir Lance: And did you mean to make Stefen Fjord self destruct?

Lord Mike: Of course! I am Lord Mike after all...

End the.