h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Buttercup ignores the non-commital murmurings of the audience and ploughs on regardless*

[Front]: We're going to sing a song about eggs... but we'll need your help.
[Back]: Eggsactly!
[Front]: First, we'll practise the chorus.

*the words to the chorus are written in large letters on a sheets which is slowly lowered in front of the the blackout drop*

*Buttercup sings the chorus dancing back and forth and jumping the hole in the stage at appropriate moments. Gladys the dangles from a thread and bounces from word to word followed erratically by her own spotlight*




My eyes ar-re dim, I cannot see,
I have no-ot brought my specs with me.
I haaave no-ot brought my-y specs with me!

Everyone join in!

*Buttercup sings the chorus again*



[Front]: Very good.
[Back]: You're an eggsellent audience.

[Front]: I'll sing the first two verses to give you the idea, join in when you can and then make up some verses yourselves. Here we go. *sings*

There were eggs, eggs
And they all had little legs
In the stores, in the stores
There were eggs, eggs
And they all had little legs
In the quartermaster's stores
BEHIND THE DOOR!

[Back]: Join in the Chorus!

[Front]: *sings*

My eyes ar-re dim, I cannot see,
I have no-ot brought my specs with me.
I haaave no-ot brought my-y specs with me!


[Back]: Cracking stuff!

[Front]: *sings*

The eggs were dyed, dyed
But I prefer them fried
In the stores, in the stores
The eggs were dyed, dyed
But I prefer them fried
In the quartermaster's stores
BEHIND THE DOOR!


[Back]: It's your turn after the chorus!

[Front]: *sings*

My eyes ar-re dim, I cannot see,
I have no-ot brought my specs with me.
I haaave no-ot brought my-y specs with me!


*Buttercup turns to the audience eggspectantly*

*clomps up to join the dwarves, swan, Robyn et al backstage*

*aside* The back end is singing sharp if you ask me.

*Amy stands on her chair and sings in a clear if wavery soprano*

There were yolks, yolks
Telling dirty jokes
In the stores, in the stores
There were yolks, yolks
Telling dirty jokes
In the quartermaster's Stores
BEHIND THE DOOR!

My eyes are dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specs with me.
I have not brought my specs with me!

[Back]: Eggstremely good!
[Front] Let's have another!

*throws dwarf sweets* Get on with it!

There were cows, cows
Drinking whisky sours
In the stores, in the stores,

There were cows, cows
Drinking whisky sours
In the Quartermasters store
Behind the door!

My eyes are dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specs with me.
I haaave not brought my specs with me

*curtsies*

[Back]: Nice one! Mine's a double!

[Front]: Who can make up a verse about the eggs we found on Magoose Island?



There was choc, choc
It was German! Hard as rock!
In the stores, in the stores
There was choc, choc
It was German! Hard as rock!
In the quartermaster's stores
BEHIND THE DOOR

My eyes are dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specs with me.
I have not brought my specs with me.

*the mice dance on to the stage, scamper up a stool and form three quarters of a barbershop quartet*

All:

Our eyes are dimmmmmmmm
We cannot seeeeeeeeee
Despite our specs' opacity!
Congenitally blind are weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

*applauds* puts her font claws into her mandibles and produces a surprisingly loud whistle*

*to the others* It's good to see the dwarves again, although I wish I could have seen them take the Extremely Wild Ride -- but where's the rest of the cast?

I think they must be behind that heavy curtain. I can hear some funny noises.

*clomps out to stand behind the mice on their stool. She places the carving knife on the table, then begins to sing in a rather baritone voice*

There were stairs, stairs
And they all went up in pairs
To the ride, to the ride!
There were stairs, stairs
And they all went up in pairs
To the ride, to the ride!
UP ON THE SPIRE!


My eyes ar-re dim, I cannot see,
I have no-ot brought my specs with me.
I haaave no-ot brought my-y specs with me!

*the dwarves break into song each in their own key with a heart-rending rendition (well, more eard-drum-splitting, but you know)*



We fell asleep, sleep
Or maybe not! But we missed the plot!
Amongst our snores
We fell asleep, sleep
Or maybe not! But we missed the plot!
Amongst Sleepy's snores
WE WERE BORED

My eyes are dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specs with me.
I have not brought my specs with me.

*applauds*

[Back]: *mutters* Bored? I'll be sorting those dwarves out later.
[Front]: We'd better bring this thing to a close. On with the show, as they say.

[Front]:

Now we're told, told
That we'll find Yukon gold
In the stores.

[Back]: In the stores?

[Front]:

In a house that's old, old
The story will unfold

[Back]: In the quartermaster's stores?


[Front]: BEHIND THE DOOR! My eyes are dim...

*Buttercup misses her footing and falls down the hole left by the dwarves* The backdrop curtain rises to reveal the stage*



Ouch!




Ouch!

[Back]: Don't move. Your horn's in a funny place.

*enters wearing some rather fetching golden dangly earrings that could once have been Christmas tree ornaments*

There were eggshells, eggshells,
Large as cathedral bells
In the stores, in the stores.

There were eggshells, eggshells,
Large as cathedral bells
In the Quartermasters store
Behind the door!

My eyes are dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specswith me
I haaave not broght my specs with me!


Did I miss my cue?

*from the bottom of the hole*

Mmmmph!

*The dwarves peer down the hole at Buttercup and wonder whether to help them up after what they heard being muttered*



You better say sorry first.

**Purr in Boots steps from behind the curtain, still wavering a little from the effects of the Glennfiddich, yet curious about the loud THUD on (or under) the Stage. He notices the Dwarves peering into the hole in the flooring, and nothing much else transpiring on the Stage since the Queen of Dairy is no longer in view. The shining heat of the footlights blazes in his slitted eyes and he begins to perspire, knowing the itching will start any second. He can’t let his fellow Cast members flounder like this! With one quick movement, he has his violin in hand and begins to play a bouncy tune that evokes smiles and general merriment. He uses an intricate little segue to piggy-back off the previous melodies presented by the other Players, yet its meter and pacing flow just a bit differently, adding a counterpoint to the rendition. Because he’s still a little ‘tanked’, not considering the constitution of the Audience, Purr begins to sing accompaniment. Surprisingly, as with many foreign musicians, his accent does not manifest itself while he’s singing. [That’s the rationalization, anyway. I just didn’t want to take the time to transliterate all the verses into Felinese. /TJW]**

[Purr]
We went to Sea, Sea
On MaGoose we would be
With Nordic blondes, with Nordic blondes.
The first egg was found, found
Lying on the ground
In Celtic Bronze, in Celtic Bronze.

My eyes ar-re dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specs with me.
I ha-a-ave not brought my specs with me!

On Row-Row Lake, Lake
A cat who was a fake
A West German, a West German.
Wanted to take, take
An egg; he was on the make.
Schokoladen, schokoladen.

My ears ar-re clogged, I cannot hear,
To play off-key is what I fear.
To pla-a-ay off-key is what I fear!

A tale to tell, tell
About a ghost that smelled.
Estonian, Estonian.
And in the well, well
Into which someone fell:
Bloodstonian.

My nose iss plugged, I cannot smell,
It matters not, so what the h*ll.
It ma-a-atters not, so what the h*ll!

Then we climbed higher, higher
‘Til we began to tire.
Plaster of, Gay Paris.
On Ho-Ho Spire, Spire,
Lost for words; inspired.
Plaster of, Gay Paris.

My mouth iss dumb, I cannot speak,
I’ll not converse for one more week.
I’ll no-o-ot converse for one more week.

To the Cottage back, back
To meet the Deedes, a hack.
It can't be sold, it can't be sold.
The Swan went quack, quack!
Plot twists we had no lack.
There’s Yukon Gold, there’s Yukon Gold!

My skin iss numb, I cannot feel,
So my costume I soon must peel.
So my-y-y costume I soon must peel!

Songs always end, end
When lyrics we do bend.
And kill the rhyme, as well as time.
The hours we spend, spend
Joking with our friends
On MaGoose Isle, in Pantomime,
In the quartermaster's stores
BEHIND THE DOOR!

My acting’s lame, I can’t renew
My contract for the Broadway scene.
My co-o-ontract for the Broadway scene.

**Purr is about to slip the violin back into his coat, hesitates, and asks (like a conspiratorial friend who’s thoroughly potted):**

[Purr] Therre iss morre, yeou know. Sshall Ai continue…?

YES! More! More!